


Under My Skin

by purplemonster



Series: Under My Skin [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Blood, Fluff, M/M, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-08-23 00:33:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 67,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8306969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplemonster/pseuds/purplemonster
Summary: They called Jaebum a monster. But to Jinyoung, no matter how much his eyes blaze red or how much he takes from him, will never see him as one





	1. Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this fic is more of GOT7's lives dealing with Jaebum's "condition". It's a bandfic but also sort of... an au. I don't want to say what. I don't want to brand it a certain au. Also, this fic is angst and chapters don't follow in order. And the sex between Jaebum and Jinyoung is consensual. Just that it might confuse some because there will be times Jaebum is not in his right mind when they're doing it. Please also heed the warnings on the tags.

Jinyoung shifts in his seat, feeling antsy as they get nearer and nearer their dorms. It's not because of the traffic they're in which had greeted them as they arrived from the airport. It's not because Yugyeom has the game on his phone a little too loud with Bambam giving a live commentary about it. It's not because Jackson and Youngjae were discussing where to eat for dinner or Mark lightly snoring behind him. It's Jaebum. Jaebum who isn't here. Jaebum who is back at their dorms and who he hasn't seen in days.

Spinal disc injury. That was the excuse. That was the lie made up to inform the public why Jaebum couldn't come with them to all the concert stops. Jinyoung and the rest felt sorry to all the fans for hiding the truth. But it was for Jaebum's protection.

Jinyoung stares out the window. His skin feels prickly and there's an uncomfortable pounding in his head. He can feel _him_ restless and impatient. He can feel _him_ needy. Jinyoung unbuttons the top two buttons on his shirt so he doesn't feel so stifled.

It's Mark, who wakes up from the loud yells of victory coming from Yugyeom and BamBam, that notices the bead of sweat on Jinyoung’s forehead and his constant shifting in his seat and tells the young ones to quiet down. Jinyoung waves them off. He's fine. But of course the rest don't buy it. Jackson leans to the driver to ask if he can take a shortcut so they can get home fast. Youngjae starts calling their manager to inform them that they're coming. Jinyoung doesn't like it when they fuss over him. But he does appreciate their concern.

He was told this would happen. Jaebum's condition would worsen through time and there wasn't any medication for it. It had happened just a few months ago and they thought he'd manage to control it. But it was impossible. Suppressing the transformation is impossible.

They arrive in under fifteen minutes, Jinyoung already weak in the knees and Bambam has to hold him up around his waist to keep him from falling. They just have to go through the crowd of fans that had gathered to wait for them and then Jinyoung would be able to see him.

He was his donor. They were told that Jaebum would need someone to feed on just until the transformation is complete. All of them were willing to be his donor, especially Youngjae who Jaebum always took care of like a younger brother. But it had to be Jinyoung. They knew each other the longest and the longer he's known someone was considered an important factor in being a donor.

Jinyoung didn't mind. To be honest, he wanted it to be him more than anyone else. Because being his donor would also mean a lot of things and he wanted it to be himself rather than anyone else.

The fans start screaming when they see them emerge from the van. Jinyoung tries to keep his cool. But the screams and the camera flashes going off made his head hurt that he slips from Bambam's hold and he lands in someone else's arms. A fan screams in excitement. To have GOT7's Park Jinyoung in her hold was enough to make anyone excited. A flash of jealousy and irritation hits Jinyoung hard that he cringes and curls in on himself. He feels Bambam hoist him up, apologizes at the fan, and starts dragging him inside.

The silence of their building's lobby clears his head. But it doesn't alleviate the restlessness he still feels. He's being sent to their dorm. Alone. Because they know Jaebum is not in his right mind and needs Jinyoung all to himself.

Jinyoung barely registers the door to their dorms being opened and he’s being handed over to someone. _Him._ Jinyoung slumps in his hold, no longer trying to fight it as he gives in to Jaebum.

He winces as Jaebum pushes him against the door hard, the doorknob digging in his back. It'll bruise tomorrow. He'll feel the ache in his body tomorrow. But right now, he's delirious from the need that's emitting off of Jaebum and he shudders as he feels him close and lets him handle him however he wants. 

Jaebum’s eyes are red as he rips his jacket off of him using his own strength. He's clearly agitated. Usually, they'd make it to the bedroom. But they're still in the doorway, Jinyoung still pinned to the door. He hears a snarl coming from him as he rips his shirt too. Jinyoung can't do much but tip his head up for him, bare his neck and let Jaebum _take._

His teeth sinking down on his skin stings as always. But it only lasts for a second and it's replaced with numbness as Jaebum drinks. His hands are on his waist, gripping hard. Jinyoung thinks that if he holds him any harder, he'll break. He always waits for that to happen. But somehow, Jaebum manages to find control under all that haze and only bruises him.

His pants are off before he can even move. Jaebum is still drinking from him, lips continuing to suck on his skin. It's been three days since they last saw each other. This was considered a long time for him not to feed. He's hard and needy, restless and agitated, impatient and possessive. Jinyoung feels his frustrations as he hooks both his arms under his thighs, hoisting him up.

The thing about being his donor is that Jinyoung feels the same things he's feeling at the moment. They told him after the first bite, he'll be bound to Jaebum forever. He knew there would be changes. He knew he’d be able to feel Jaebum’s emotions. But it still feels overwhelming. He can feel the amount of impatience and lust coming off of him that even if Jinyoung knows what’s coming next, he still can’t help but feel tense and excited about it.

Jaebum sinks him down on his cock that's already hard. Jinyoung cries out as he feels the stretch and the burn. He isn't lubed up. Jaebum is out of his mind to remember things like this at the moment. He tenses in Jaebum's arms but Jaebum is fucking him in hard shallow thrusts that Jinyoung has no choice but to relax so every thrust doesn't hurt.

The first time they did this, Jaebum had so much control that he couldn’t feed properly. He was so careful of Jinyoung. Careful of touching him. Careful of hurting him. He even went for days without drinking from him but it only took its toll on his body and he passed out. Jinyoung kept on assuring him after that. “Just take,” He told him. “Just take as much as you want, how you want it.” And for the next succeeding feedings, Jaebum took.

He still has his teeth still locked in his neck. Jaebum's fingers dig in his ass cheeks, lifting him up and down. Jinyoung feels like passing out from the pain. He needs Jaebum to touch him back, stroke him just to ease the burn. But he's going faster and harder, nearing his peak.

There are tears in Jinyoung's eyes and he feels it run down his cheek. He trusts Jaebum. So he doesn't mind this one bit. He loves him and that's why he's given himself to him. But it's in these moments when Jaebum is out of control that Jinyoung wonders if Jaebum remembers who he's fucking and feeding from. If he remembers that it's him, Jinyoung, the boy he fell in love with on a stage that felt so huge with just the two of them so long ago.

Jaebum's thrusts are erratic and no longer following a rhythm. He's close. Jinyoung feels his need to come, suffocating him. It's also like he's being torn in half. Until Jaebum is finally coming, the grunts turning into moans and the thrusts slowing to a complete stop.

Jinyoung feels Jaebum's teeth retract and what's left is his tongue licking at the wound. He's drained from all the blood taken from him but at the same time, he feels filled with Jaebum's soft dick and cum inside him. Jinyoung’s cock is aching to be touched but he’s also in so much pain that when Jaebum finally pulls out of him, Jinyoung slumps in his hold and passes out in his arms.

 

 

 

He comes to to the sound of voices arguing from outside his door. He recognizes Mark's voice as one of them. He's angry.

"You can't just do this to him every single time you lose control!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Comes Jaebum's voice. "You don't know how it feels-”

"No, I don't! But you can't treat him like this! You are literally draining him dry!”

"I know! I'm trying-"

"Well try harder!"

Jinyoung turns on his other side, away from the door as if that can make him stop hearing their loud voices. But the moment he does so, pain shoots up his spine and he feels the aftermath of what happened earlier. Jinyoung lets out a moan and then realizes they’ll hear him so he stops, biting his bottom lip and keeps the pain to himself. His hands are curled tight on the edges of the blankets and he breathes in and out deeply, waiting for it all to subside.

The door to his room opens then. Jinyoung doesn’t have to turn to see who it is. He can feel him. He hears footsteps approaching quick and Jaebum kneeling on the side of his bed so he can look at him. Jinyoung blinks at him, taking in how he looks. Jaebum no longer looks pale. His eyes no longer look sunken. He no longer looks feral. He looks great even if he stares at Jinyoung all horrified and guilty. Jinyoung manages to smile at him.

“I am so sorry.” Jaebum whispers. His hands are shaking as he cups his cheek. “Jinyoung - oh god - I am so sorry-”

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung replies, voice soft in his own ears. “It’s okay.”

Jaebum closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Every time… Every single time…”

Jinyoung covers his hand with his.

“They liked it.” He says, causing Jaebum’s eyes to spring open and look at him, wondering what he’s talking about. “Ahgasses. When I carried the fan with your face on it. They liked it.”

“Jinyoung, I’m sorry. Never again. I swear-”

“They missed you.”

“Jinyoung,”

“They chanted your name.”

“Jinyoung stop-”

It’s Jinyoung’s turn to cup his face, making him look at him. There are tears in Jaebum’s eyes and Jinyoung wipes them away with his thumb.

They’re in this together. They called Jaebum’s condition incurable. And Jinyoung knows the pain he’s feeling doesn’t equate to the helplessness of Jaebum’s situation. He needs him more than anyone else and Jinyoung has no plans of giving up on him.

“I love you.” Jinyoung tells him. He really does. Jaebum nods, placing his forehead next to his.

“I love you too.”

Jinyoung relaxes at this, smiling. He misses what they used to have. That sense of normalcy between them. It’s nice to have it every now and then. 

“Hey,” Jinyoung whispers making Jaebum look at him. “Sleep with me?”

Jaebum nods. He rounds the bed to climb in next to him. Jaebum settles behind him and wraps his arms around his waist. Jinyoung snuggles back in his hold, content at having Jaebum beside him.

They called Jaebum a monster. But to Jinyoung, no matter how much his eyes blaze red or how much he takes from him, will never see him as one.


	2. Relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, not all the chapters are in order. Some will have the timeline set in the past, others in the present.

Mark and Jaebum obviously don’t get along with each other. The managers know it. The members know it. But no one tries to stop them when they’re having a go in the middle of the studio or in their living room, knowing how impossible it is to stop them from fighting.

They fight about Jinyoung. Mark hates that Jaebum feeds on Jinyoung a little too much while Jaebum argues back how he hates it too but doesn’t have any choice. Mark, as the resident older brother, makes sure the rest of the members are well taken cared of, and what Jaebum is doing to Jinyoung, obviously isn’t handling him with care.

Jinyoung on the other hand tries his best to stop them from fighting every time they do so. He tells Mark to stop blaming Jaebum because Jinyoung already agreed to being his donor and he also tells Jaebum to stop yelling at Mark because he’s the oldest and to have some respect. Mark and Jaebum don’t listen to him though and continue to fight, and Jinyoung would leave the room, pissed at them both and wouldn’t speak to them afterwards until they both make their peace even if it is only temporary.

Jackson also tries to keep the peace. He’s the one that stands in between Mark and Jaebum when the two have their fists out and Jinyoung’s already given up. He’s also Mark’s go to person when he’s had enough. Mark tells him how Jaebum is an asshole and should be confined until his transformation process is complete. He tells Jackson, when the lights are out in their room, that Jaebum doesn’t love Jinyoung because of the things he’s doing to him. He tells Jackson, and Jackson always remembers this part the most, that Jinyoung deserves someone better, someone who wouldn’t hurt him no matter what the situation brings. Jackson only listens. Because he knows what Mark is implying. He’s seen the way Mark looks at Jinyoung at times. It makes him wonder if Mark will ever look at him the same way too. Jackson only listens. Because it is during these times that Mark recognizes his importance and always comes to him, so he enjoys it while it lasts.

Youngjae wishes everyone would stop fighting. He loves his hyungs and hates how Jaebum’s condition is driving them apart. He hates what’s happening to Jaebum, the hyung who took care of him since he got in this group. He wants to be able to take care of Jaebum like how he took care of him too. Care for him like a brother. Once, when they were about to sleep and Jaebum was in his right mind then and knew of what was to come, he asked Youngjae a favor. To take care of the younger ones since he wouldn’t be able to do that for the next months. He asked Youngjae if he could do it for him. Be Yugyeom and Bambam’s hyung. So he does. It makes him feel useful. He goes to Bambam’s room and they play the frying pan game when things between Mark, Jinyoung and Jaebum get a little loud or rough outside. He makes sure to turn up the movie they’re about to watch really loud to drown out the shouting. He's the hyung now because all the other ones can’t be one at the moment. Youngjae doesn’t want to be the hyung. He wants to have someone to go to and look up to like before. But he promised Jaebum. He promised his hyung. So he becomes one for him and for the sake of this group.

Bambam and Yugyeom try their best not to act as the youngest anymore. So people can tell them things. So everyone can stop treating them like kids and protect them from the truth. They want to help. They want to help Mark and Jaebum. But Mark isn’t the nice hyung who hangs out with them anymore. Jaebum isn’t the hyung who laughs so much anymore. Jinyoung isn’t the sassy bright smiled hyung and Jackson isn’t the chatterbox hyung he used to be. Youngjae is the only hyung they can turn to. And they appreciate his efforts to keep everything calm. But they’re scared. They want their hyungs back. They want everything to turn back to the way it did. 

Jaebum wishes he can turn back. He wishes that so badly that sometimes, when it all gets too much, he thinks about leaving everyone and find a way to end things himself.


	3. Bite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts with a bite.

It starts with a bite.

Jaebum had been jogging around the Han River on a late night when he was bitten. He hadn’t seen it coming. All he remembers is that someone struck him from behind his knees and then the back of his head before passing out. Whoever (or whatever) it was had the decency to knock him out so he hadn’t felt any pain when they bit him. 

He wakes up much later in his bed, strapped down and no one there beside him. He wakes up to his vision all red and throat feeling parched. He knows what it’s like to feel thirsty. But the thirst he’s feeling seems different. His gums ache too and his whole body feels like a truck had ran him over. He shouts for somebody to bring him over some water. To get him out of these straps. To help him.

He hadn’t known that on the other side of the door, Jinyoung was already fighting to break free from two managers’ hold to get to him and the rest being detained by management.

A bite is all it took for Jaebum to be converted. He was lucky, they said. It was only a bite. He was still going to live. But to be drained to the point of death, now that’s something he’ll never wake up from.

Being lucky meant that he can still walk among them. It means he could still be Im Jaebum. Just that he isn’t going to be eating real food to satisfy his thirst or hunger.

Jaebum’s condition was known throughout history books as an incubus. A vampire.

Jaebum just thinks he’s a monster.

He feels like a monster. He didn’t have a donor then. It was important that he had one. To have a donor meant that he’d only feed on one person for the rest of his life. That would minimize casualties and risk everyone knowing that their kind existed. Jaebum didn’t want a donor. What kind of person would he be if he condemned someone to a lifetime of being his meal?

But Jinyoung decided he would. Jinyoung who Jaebum loved more than anyone else in the world. Jinyoung who sentenced his life to being Jaebum’s donor. Jinyoung who sentenced himself to a lifetime of pain and suffering and there’s nothing Jaebum could do except accept things. Because according to Jinyoung, “I’d rather it was just me you’d harm than everyone else.”

Jaebum doesn’t want to hurt him. But then again, what choice did he have?

So he feeds on him. Every time he’s thirsty, every time he’s hungry, Jaebum feeds on him. He tries not to. But being linked to Jinyoung meant that every emotion that courses through him, Jinyoung would feel it. He’d feel Jaebum hungry, sad, angry, thirsty, needy. Jaebum would feel so much pain, so much ache in his gums and his teeth too sharp that a soft bite on his tongue or bottom lip would draw blood. And really, there’s no choice but for Jaebum to feed on Jinyoung so he doesn’t become restless and Jinyoung doesn’t feel it too. Besides, if he becomes too restless, there would be a chance for him to accidentally turn Jinyoung too. Jaebum controls himself every time he sinks his teeth in Jinyoung’s neck, careful not to let the venom seep through him. He’d never forgive himself if he turned Jinyoung into someone like him, or the rest of his members for that matter.

He’s a monster, and he’ll never allow any of his members to become one just like him.

But on the brighter side of things, Jaebum isn’t the only one.

They hadn’t known about the existence of the others until Jaebum started missing schedules. The spinal disc injury news announcement. The weight loss. The stress on his face. Those gave it away. That’s when they started showing themselves.

It had surprised them to know that a lot of them existed. That there were a lot of them in the music industry, all their identities and conditions a secret. Until of course someone starts showing the symptoms. It’s like they can all tell when there’s an addition to their kind within the circle. They all come to extend their sympathies and at the same time, let them know that if they need any help, they’re very welcome to ask them and they’ll provide as much information as they can to the best of their knowledge.

They tell him this life is better than being dead. Jaebum doesn’t think so.

Whoever bit him that night should’ve just drained him dry. Then he’ll just be dead. He wouldn’t have to hurt Jinyoung so much, he wouldn’t have to fight with Mark all the time and depend on Jackson for peace around the dorms. He wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in Youngjae’s eyes and could take care of Bambam and Yugyeom again.

But no. Whoever bit him had to turn him into one of them. A monster.

Jaebum isn’t alone. He knows that. But if he’s being honest with himself, he’d rather he was. Then he won’t have to hurt anyone but himself.


	4. Cuddles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not all angst \O/

Jaebum is always tired.

He’s living a double life, one that’s not of this world and the other a kpop idol. It’s a strange mix. Half of him is trying not to lunge on people’s necks while the other is dealing with late night recordings and several dance rehearsals.

Jinyoung is also exhausted.

He’s tired from the dance practices, his drama filming schedules and well, because he’s also carrying Jaebum’s exhaustion. He can feel every single thing Jaebum is feeling and make up artists have to coat an extra layer of BB Cream just so the dark circles under his eyes don’t show.

It’s one of those rare days wherein they both come home at the same time. Everyone is asleep by now, except for Jackson who’s out and filming some variety show too. Jinyoung and Jaebum drag themselves inside their dorms, leaving their shoes, jackets and bags in a messy trail in the living room that their manager will no doubt call them out for in the morning.

“Dibs on the shower.” Jinyoung mutters while Jaebum just grunts in reply and heads to his and Youngjae’s room.

Jinyoung is done in under 10 mins. The steam from the shower is making him even more sleepy and he grabs whatever clothing he can find hanging at the back of the door. He brushes his teeth, scrubs off the makeup on his face and then heads to the privacy of his room.

He stops by the door though when he sees his bed is occupied by Jaebum lying spread eagled on top of it. He’s still clothed and lightly snoring, and Jinyoung stands there with a frown on his face.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung nudges Jaebum’s foot that’s hanging off the bed. Jaebum doesn’t budge. 

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whines much louder this time. He’s tired too and wants the bed all to himself.

Jaebum slowly sits up, his fringe falling to his eyes, and he yawns.

“Yes?”

“You’re in my bed.” Jinyoung points out.

Jaebum, with his eyes still half closed, reaches for Jinyoung’s arm and pulls him on top of him.

Jinyoung grunts as he falls on Jaebum’s lap. Jaebum then curls his arms around him and shifts, so Jinyoung is lying on his back and Jaebum is half on top of him, his face buried on the crook of his neck.

This was not the arrangement Jinyoung wanted in mind.

Jaebum doesn’t relinquish his hold on him though and Jinyoung sighs.

“You smell good.” Jaebum mutters.

“That’s because I took a shower. Unlike you.”

Jaebum gives a tired laugh. “Tomorrow.” He promises.

Jinyoung, despite being tired, wraps an arm around Jaebum, ignores how cramped the bed feels and drifts off to sleep.

 

 

 

Jaebum’s no longer with him when he wakes in the morning. And though that saddens Jinyoung a little bit, he does understand how busy he is.

Jinyoung has a schedule in three hours too. But it’s still enough time for him to get some more sleep. Jinyoung pulls the covers up to his chest and makes himself comfortable, when the door to his room opens without a knock.

Jinyoung is ready to call Jackson out for not knocking when it’s Jaebum who enters in Jinyoung’s shirt and pyjamas, drying his hair that’s still wet from the shower.

“Morning.” Jinyoung says to him, voice still thick with sleep. “Why are you wearing my clothes?”

Jaebum raises an eye at him. “Because you’re wearing _my_ clothes.”

Jinyoung peers down the blanket to find himself wearing Jaebum’s shirt that he probably grabbed in his tired haze last night.

“Oh.”

Jaebum finds this amusing as he hangs the towel on the back of a chair and climbs in bed with him.

Jinyoung doesn’t push him away. This time, he welcomes him with open arms and they both stumble back in bed.

“Morning,” Jaebum finally greets.

“Don’t get too comfortable. I’m getting up in an hour to shower and eat.”

Jaebum only snuggles closer at that. “Eat some real food this time. Not those health bars you just grab off from Jackson’s stash.”

“I’ll try.” Jinyoung says. He then looks at Jaebum. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“No.” Jaebum instantly replies, but Jinyoung feels his hunger starting to build and he rolls his eyes at that. Jaebum hasn’t drank from him in three days.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung nudges him just so Jaebum can lift his head and look at Jinyoung that’s already baring his neck for him.

“That’s not funny.” Jaebum frowns.

“I wasn’t trying to be.” Jinyoung answers. “Now go ahead before I’m late.”

There’s a moment of hesitation from Jaebum as always and Jinyoung waits patiently until he finally makes up his mind. Jaebum is always careful when doing this so Jinyoung trusts him completely.

Jinyoung shudders when Jaebum noses his neck, and then sighs when he feels him bite. He relaxes as Jaebum drinks from him, rubbing an arm up and down Jaebum’s back as he coaxes him to take more. Jaebum doesn’t feed from him everyday. He doesn’t have to. He’s not like them who needs three meals a day to keep him up on his feet. He’ll feed on Jinyoung in the next three days or until his hunger builds again.

They both end up late for their schedules since they both fell asleep again with Jaebum’s teeth still in Jinyoung’s neck. It’s Mark who wakes them up, already throwing glances of disapproval and shouting how Jaebum is irresponsible for sleeping while feeding on Jinyoung.

“You could’ve drained him. He could’ve died.” Mark throws at Jaebum as Jinyoung and Jaebum scamper around the dorm to get dressed for work.

Jinyoung has to drag Jaebum out of there before he and Mark get into another heated argument and he brings Jaebum’s face to his for a kiss when they’re inside the elevators to distract him. But Jaebum turns his face away at the last second.

“Jinyoung, he was right. I could’ve drained you dead. We’re never sleeping like that ever again. I shouldn’t be near you-”

Jinyoung sighs. “I’m here. I’m alive. Now shut up and kiss me back.”

Jaebum hesitates but does so when Jinyoung throws him a look. Jaebum then leans in but only for a quick peck.

“Are you seriously going to be like this?” Jinyoung whines. “We’re so busy and I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”

Jaebum is the one rolling his eyes now and Jinyoung laughs after Jaebum gives him a kiss. A longer one this time.

“Grab something to eat, will you?” Jaebum says in concern, rubbing a thumb across his cheek and then eyeing the marks on his neck he left behind. Jinyoung pulls up his shirt collar and hops off to one of the vans.

“I will. See you later, hyung! I love you!”

Jaebum smiles, and Jinyoung doesn’t stop waving at him until his van exits the parking lot. 


	5. Wishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wishes for a lot of things.

Jackson doesn’t have to ask Mark what’s up the moment he slams their room door close. He gives it about a minute, just long enough for Mark’s head to clear, before he asks if he’s alright.

“I’m fine.” Mark grumbles from his bed. He’s already plugging his earphones angrily into his ear that Jackson has to wince because that’s got to hurt.

He gives it another five minutes, just enough for Mark to listen to a song and relax a little, before Jackson nudges him with his feet. Mark looks up at him and Jackson asks with a look if he’s alright again.

“Told you, I’m fine.” He mutters again before going back to his phone. 

Jackson waits. He waits patiently, scrolling through the texts in his phone because he knows that in about another minute, Mark will tell him what’s wrong.

Right on cue, Mark sighs and pulls his earphones off of him. Jackson looks up to meet his eyes and hear him say,

“Jaebum is an asshole.”

Of course. That again.

Jackson sits there on his bed as he listens patiently to what Mark is starting to say. Although if truth be told, Jackson doesn’t have to listen intently. It’s always the same old thing. Jaebum is hurting Jinyoung. Jaebum shouldn’t be left alone with Jinyoung. Jaebum is an asshole for making Jinyoung his donor. Jaebum Jaebum Jaebum.

For a quiet guy, Mark sure has a lot to say about Jaebum.

Today, according to Mark, Jaebum is an asshole. Jackson doesn’t even want to know why.

It’s not like Jackson doesn’t care about all this. The fights. The discord. What’s actually happening to Jinyoung. Because he does. He cares when Jinyoung is eating breakfast across from him in the morning and there’s a small bandage on his neck. He cares when Jaebum isolates himself from the rest sometimes when he thinks he’s a dangerous person to be around with. Jackson cares about his two friends and this predicament they’re currently in. But Jackson wishes Mark would see all this for what it really is. That Jaebum is in need of moral support and isn’t the bad guy here. That Jaebum is already trying so hard not to hurt anyone. That Jaebum is keeping it together for the rest of the group.

That Jaebum loves Jinyoung and that Jinyoung loves him back. Jackson wishes Mark would see this part the most.

But of course, Mark is blinded and Jackson doesn’t know how to open his eyes to that.

“What is management doing to keep Jinyoung safe?” Mark continues angrily. “Haven’t they seen how pale he looks lately? What if Jaebum already turned him and we just don’t know it yet?”

“Hyung-”

“What was Jinyoung thinking, saying yes to this? I mean, he should’ve known what would happen if he becomes his donor.”

“He does know-”

“And Jaebum feeding on him is insane. He shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near him.”

“I think Jaebum hyung’s being careful-”

“Careful? Jinyoung has three bite marks on different places on his neck. How is that careful-”

“I’m hungry.” Jackson suddenly interrupts. He didn’t mean to interrupt his ranting. But it was going nowhere and Jackson honestly is hungry.

Mark blinks at him in surprise. Jackson rolls to the side of the bed and hops off. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“Out.”

Jackson tosses Mark a large hoodie and pulls his own over his head. There’s a new _galbi tang_ place just a few blocks from their dorm. It opened a month ago and the reviews are great. Jackson has been meaning to bring Mark there but their schedules have been crazy lately.

They’re not allowed to venture far outside their dorms at night after what happened to Jaebum. So this was an ideal place and it’s just early in the evening. Besides, Jackson doesn’t think he can listen to the same old thing Mark goes on about Jaebum anyway.

it’s starting to turn cold in Seoul and Jackson loves it. He likes this weather than the summer heat. What also comes with the change in weather are restaurants offering so much hot soup and Jackson knows those are Mark’s favorites.

“Galbi tang,” Mark looks up at the sign as they arrive and Jackson sees him lick his lips. He then turns to Jackson and breaks out into that smile where his eyes disappear and has Jackson’s heart melting a little. 

“You always choose the best places, Jackson-ah.”

_That’s because I know you best,_ Jackson says in his head. Instead, he puts up a cute face and exclaims, “Anything for my Markieepooh!” Mark laughs, tosses an arm around his shoulder and leads him inside.

It’s a small restaurant and dimly lighted, something Jackson is grateful for so no one recognizes them. They’re seated at the back and Mark orders them both galbi tang without asking Jackson what he wants.

“I kind of wanted the ramyeon.” Jackson points out. To his surprise, Mark sports a look of disapproval, one of those _i’m the hyung_ face he rarely puts up.

“You’ve been eating ramyeon and health bars for a week now. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

It’s comments like this that Jackson kind of thinks Mark actually cares. Jackson’s trying to work out a lot these days but his schedule is always booked that the only times he gets to eat are in between breaks and it’s enough time to finish a health bar or down a cup of instant noodles. For Mark to notice he hasn’t been eating right makes him feel grateful someone is looking after him.

“You should ditch the junk.” Mark continues. “Jinyoung keeps eating your health bars for breakfast too.”

And just like that, his hopes are squashed.

Jackson gives a small tsk. “They’re called health bars for a reason. They’re healthy.”

“And what of the instant noodles?”

“It is a fact that the body needs sodium.”

Mark laughs. The sight is enough for Jackson to forgive him for even saying such things earlier.

Jackson doesn’t know when it started. But if he could pinpoint an exact moment in his life where he thinks he’s had a thing for his Mark hyung, it had been their pre-debut days. He didn’t know anyone then and couldn’t even speak Korean fluently. Mark was the only person he could talk to and Mark always always listened to him. Mark always laughed at his jokes. The embarrassing ones, the funny ones, the ones that don’t even make sense. 

Mark is the hyung that knows him best maybe because they didn’t grow up here. Seoul isn’t their home. But having someone that isn’t from around here made living away from home bearable.

Mark is his home. Jackson only wishes Mark feels that way too.

And then of course the _thing_ started turning into something way more serious that Jackson doesn’t know what to call it now.

He likes that Mark is quiet and that Jackson can be comfortably quiet around him too. That Mark would know whether or not something was wrong with him without Jackson having to say anything. People think Jackson is just a natural chatterbox when in fact, he chatters nonstop because he’s actually nervous that people won’t like him if he doesn’t tell jokes all the time. But with Mark, and the rest of the members of course but it had always been Mark first, he’s sure that he doesn’t mind if Jackson is always filled with energy or just sitting quietly next to him.

He likes Mark. And Jackson has long accepted Mark will never like him back.

They finish eating quick, not because they’re in a hurry but just because the both of them eat so fast. Jackson’s in the mood for ice cream despite the weather and Mark tags along with him as they head to the nearest convenience store.

“Get the popsicle one.” Mark says, peering over his shoulder as Jackson rummages through the freezer.

“You’re not the one eating it.” Jackson replies, grabbing the one with the cone just to spite him. But Jackson does let him choose which flavor even if Mark isn’t even going to eat it and within five minutes, they’re walking back to the dorms with Jackson happily unwrapping his ice cream.

“Ah I got the biggest one.” Jackson sighs, thinking of the calories. “I should’ve gotten the smaller one.”

“I told you to get the popsicle.” Mark says.

“Why?”

“Because then I’d eat it and you’d have someone to share with.” Mark shrugs.

Jackson stops in his tracks at that comment, that Mark has to stop too and turn around.

“What?” He asks.

“Hyung, sharing a popsicle?” Jackson’s eyes widen. “Isn’t that a little… dirty?”

Mark reaches to slap him on the chest making Jackson break out into a loud laugh that startled an ahjumma passing by. Mark and Jackson bow in apology at that.

“If I didn’t know any better, you just want an indirect kiss.” Jackson says when they’re out of earshot.

“You and your thoughts.” Mark shakes his head in amusement but Jackson smiles to himself as that thought doesn’t stop crossing his mind.

Jackson talks non stop about this new variety show he’s filming, how the MCs are treating him well and cheers him on eventhough he’s a newbie. Mark nods his head along to his stories and laughs at the amount of embarrassment Jackson did throughout filming.

“They made us eat in between filming and they had that… that.. that thing?” Jackson looks at Mark helplessly, wondering what’s the Korean word for it. Mark thinks about it too and they both take turns guessing what it is until Jackson remembers.

Jackson wishes it was like this all the time with Mark. They don’t have to talk about Jaebum or Jinyoung. They could talk about food or anything else. Or they don’t talk about anything at all and Jackson would be fine with that.

They both get on the elevators and remove the hood on their heads. As soon as he does so, Mark takes one good look at him and laughs.

“Your face,” Mark points out. Jackson wipes a spot on the corner of his mouth which only makes Mark laugh even louder. “You just spread ice cream all over your face!”

Jackson stands there and tips his face to him.

“You get it then.”

Mark giggles as he reaches for Jackson’s face and wipes off the ice cream for him. Jackson stares back, tracing his eyes along Mark’s beautiful face. He wishes he can tell him how he feels. Jackson wishes that he can just tell Mark he’s been in love with him for years. He wishes it was so easy to just confess, to open Mark’s eyes, that Jinyoung will never love him the same way Jackson does and that he should stop hoping, because Jackson’s here. He’ll never leave Mark and will never ever hurt him.

He wishes Mark could love him back.

“All done,” Mark smiles and the sight is so beautiful. “Ya Jackson-ah, next time, learn how to eat properly.”

Of course. Jackson will do anything Mark says.

“Yes, hyung.”

They both enter the dorm and Jackson stays by the door as he watches as Mark instantly heads over to Jinyoung on the couch to ask if he’s alright. Jackson’s already left forgotten as Mark’s attention is on Jinyoung and Jackson saves himself from all the heartache as he heads to his own room instead.

Jackson wishes for a lot of things. He wonders if they’re all ever going to come true.


	6. Tom and Jerry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just Tom and Jerry being all fluffy.

Yugyeom stares at Hoseok’s neck, fascinated at the bite mark barely concealed under his choker.

“Take a picture, Yugyeom-ah. It’ll last longer.” Hoseok says, lowering his phone down which he was busy with to smirk at him. They’re in the dressing rooms waiting for their turn on Music Bank. Around them is a flurry of activity. Coordis and make up artists are getting everyone ready. Yugyeom is the first one done in his group and so is Hoseok.

Yugyeom glances at him and gives him a sheepish smile.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that, yours and Jinyoungie hyung’s mark are on the same spot.

Yugyeom is curious. He’s seen where Jaebum feeds on Jinyoung. It’s always right at the spot where Jinyoung’s neck and collar bone meets. Jinyoung always places a bandage there when the wounds don’t heal immediately. Yugyeom always thought Jaebum had a special spot to feed on, but now that he’s staring at Hoseok’s, he’s quite curious if every donor is bitten in the same area.

“It’s easier.” Hoseok shrugs as he explains. “It’s more accessible.”

Yugyeom continues to stare at Hoseok’s bite mark that he flinches in surprise when someone slaps him on the shoulder.

“Stop staring. It’s rude.”

Yugyeom turns to see Jinyoung sliding next to him on the couch. He has his hair brushed to one side and make up already on. Yugyeom thinks his hyung is extra handsome for the fans today.

Hoseok chuckles. “It’s okay. It’s just you guys.”

Yugyeom smiles and peers closer at Hoseok’s neck. He’s really curious. He wonders what it feels like, to have someone bite down on you that hard for it to leave marks on the first few days and then bruises the next. He frowns, wondering if it hurts. Surely it must.

Up close, the bite mark on Hoseok can be seen. But the make up and choker he’s wearing would be enough to conceal it from fans and on broadcast. How tiring must it be for donors to hide these marks from the world.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom looks up at Hoseok. “May I?”

He wants to move the choker aside, just so he can see it better.

“Yugyeom-ah,” Jinyoung says with a disapproving look on his face. “Stop being rude.”

“I’m not.” Yugyeom argues back. He really is curious. Jinyoung never lets him get too close to his marks. And it’s not like he and the rest of Bangtan aren’t close friends.

“Go ahead.” Hoseok leans close to him, baring his neck. Yugyeom smiles in gratitude and reaches for his choker.

A hand darts out from the side and stops Yugyeom from even touching Hoseok’s neck. Fingers wrap around Yugyeom’s wrist tight and he winces. Looking up, he spots Taehyung with a smirk on his face as he looks down at Yugyeom.

“Careful, Yugyeom-ah…” Taehyung says in a sing song voice that’s border on teasing but also kind of threatening. Yugyeom was never on bad terms with the rest of Bangtan. But he’s suddenly afraid he might’ve pushed it too far for even getting this close to Taehyung’s donor.

Hoseok sighs. “Taehyung, he was just curious.”

Taehyung suddenly laughs out loud and so do Jinyoung.

“You should’ve seen your face!” Taehyung clutches his stomach as he laughs. Yugyeom blinks at him.

“Taehyung got you good, didn’t he.” Jinyoung covers his laugh with the back of his hand. Yugyeom, realizing he was just pranked, slaps Jinyoung across his chest. The blow doesn’t seem to mind him though for he throws his head back and laughs even harder.

“You guys are mean,” Yugyeom says at them. Jinyoung sticks his tongue out at him in reply.

“That’s what you get for being too curious, Yugyeom-ah,” Taehyung grins. He rounds the couch so he can sit with them. Only that he sits on Hoseok’s lap and tugs the choker gently down for Yugyeom to finally see the bite mark he left on his donor.

Yugyeom’s eyes widen as he takes in the marks. Taehyung’s teeth don’t look that sharp. But the marks look like Hoseok got bitten really deep. It’s starting to heal now. Yugyeom knows Taehyung’s saliva has healing abilities for Hoseok. But it’s still a bite nonetheless.

“Satisfied?” Taehyung asks, gently putting the choker back on his donor. Yugyeom doesn’t miss the subtle way Taehyung swipes a thumb lightly on the mark. It feels intimate and possessive that Yugyeom blushes and looks away.

“Uhuh. Thanks, hyung. Unlike Jinyoungie hyung, you’re nice.”

This earns him a shove from Jinyoung. Yugyeom only giggles at that.

“Take that back, Yugyeom.” Jinyoung demands. It’s Yugyeom’s turn to stick his tongue out at him. This causes Hoseok and Taehyung to laugh.

“If there’s anything else you need to know, just ask me about it.” Hoseok offers.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I’m not at all like Jaebum hyung. I’m not scary.” Taehyung teases.

“Don’t let him hear you say that.” Jinyoung says. 

“Why?” Taehyung asks, leaning forward past Yugyeom so he can hook a finger on Jinyoung’s collar and tug him close to his face. “What’s he going to do to me?”

Yugyeom has to hand it to Jinyoung for not even flinching when Taehyung bares his teeth. But then again, none of them have the chance to react when another hand darts out, stopping Taehyung from pulling Jinyoung any closer.

Yugyeom and Taehyung look up to see Jaebum.

“Keep your hands to yourself, Taehyung-ah.” Jaebum warns. Unlike the tease in Taehyung’s voice earlier, Jaebum has none of that. He’s been in a bad mood lately. Yugyeom heard him and Jinyoung yelling at each other last night. It had something to do with Jaebum arguing how Mark had gone too far with his comments and Jiyoung arguing back how Mark’s only trying to look out for him. Whatever it was, Yugyeom knows it didn’t end well and teasing Jaebum now was a bad idea.

It’s a good thing Taehyung knows how to sense the air around them for he smiles and sits back on Hoseok’s lap.

“I’ll behave.” Taehyung acknowledges. They don’t get to interact much for they’re all called to be ready on stage. 

And all the while, Yugyeom tries not to notice how Jinyoung and Jaebum are acting rather coldly towards each other.

 

 

 

Yugyeom dries his hair with a towel as he emerges from the bathroom.

“All yours!” He calls out to Bambam who thanks him as he passes by.

It’s a quiet night for them, a first in a long while. Youngjae is in the living room playing some game on the computer and Yugyeom can hear the clicks of his mouse and his hands typing away on the keyboard.

He passes by Jackson and Mark’s room and remembers that they’re out. Jackson took Mark to an ASC filming and won’t be back until midnight. Yugyeom doesn’t think he’ll be awake later to see them arrive home.

Jaebum’s out too but Yugyeom isn’t sure if he has a schedule. He thinks his absence has something to do with his fight with Jinyoung and Yugyeom hopes his hyungs are okay.

Thinking of Jinyoung, Yugyeom passes by his room. The door is ajar and he finds him on the bed, reading a book. He looks ready to sleep and Yugyeom, feeling a little mischievous, enters his room unannounced, something he knows Jinyoung always hates, and dives right on top of him.

Jinyoung yells at the top of his lungs. Yugyeom ignores the slaps on his back and the shoves on his side for him to get off. Instead, he burrows himself in Jinyoung’s covers until he manages to take up the whole space.

“Get off!” Jinyoung shouts but Yugyeom only grins at him.

“No.”

Jinyoung wrestles him off the bed and Yugyeom laughs when he can’t even manage to push him off. Yugyeom has always been too big and gangly for any of them.

A head pops in the doorway from all the ruckus and Yugyeom waves at Youngjae.

“Oh. I thought something happened.” Youngjae sighs in relief before leaving them to themselves.

“Yugyeom, get off!” Jinyoung whines. “This is my bed!”

“You take up my bed a lot too!”

“That’s because you’re always in _mine_! Now get off!”

“No!”

Yugyeom cackles as Jinyoung grabs a pillow and smacks him with it. He’s used to this. He’s used to the teasings and the banter and the roughhousing. But they rarely have the chance to do it anymore. So even if he knows Jinyoung sounds annoyed, Yugyeom doesn’t stop because he misses this. He misses his hyung. 

“Yugyeom,” Jinyoung throws him a look. His hair is disheveled and Yugyeom fights the urge to laugh. He looks ridiculous. If only the fans could see their princely Park Jinyoung look like this.

“Yugyeom, get off, please. I’m so tired right now.”

Yugyeom rolls his eyes at him.

“Oh come on. We only had Music Bank today. Getting old, are we hyung?”

Yugyeom snickers as that seems to grate on Jinyoung’s nerves. Jinyoung pounces on him and they’re a tangled mess in the sheets as one tries to fight for more space. 

Jinyoung shoves Yugyeom to the side and Yugyeom grabs at his arm to stop him. Only that his hand hits his neck and Jinyoung flinches instantly, backing away from Yugyeom as his hand flies to the mark on his neck.

Yugyeom instantly stops playing around and scrambles towards him.

“I’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry,” Yugyeom blurts out in a rush. “Does it hurt?” Yugyeom peers at Jinyoung’s bite mark. “Hyung, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

Jinyoung peers up at him, grins, and then dives in the sheets to reclaim his space. Yugyeom watches as he laughs like a kid, grabbing his pillows and blankets all to himself.

Yugyeom is silent for a full minute as he stares at him. His heart had started beating furiously earlier at the thought of hurting Jinyoung by accident. The sight of Hoseok’s bite mark flashes before his eyes and Yugyeom knows bite marks run deep. He could’ve hurt Jinyoung for real.

“Ya, hyung,” Yugyeom looks at him, betrayed at the prank Jinyoung pulled. “Don’t do that next time.”

Jinyoung laughs. “What? Don’t tell me I scared you.” 

He did. Yugyeom has seen the way Jinyoung winces in the mornings after a night of feeding Jaebum. Jinyoung hides his pain very well but Yugyeom has seen how he deals with it when he thinks no one is looking. He’s heard Jinyoung sniffling in the bathroom before, seen him staggering backstage from the loss of blood. He knows he’s doing it for Jaebum and that Jaebum would never hurt Jinyoung on purpose. But it’s still very unsettling to see Jinyoung look so _spent_ and trying to hide it from the rest. So Yugyeom always makes sure not to cause too much trouble for him, for Jaebum. They’re both handling so much as it is.

The long pause has Jinyoung slowly stop laughing, probably realizing it wasn’t funny to begin with. Yugyeom mutters an inaudible goodnight as he leaves his bed, deeming this horseplay enough for one night, only to have Jinyoung grab his arm to stop him.

Yugyeom looks at Jinyoung. He’s neither pleading at him to stay or leave, but the look in his eyes has Yugyeom sitting back down on the mattress. Jinyoung scoots closer and without saying anything, pushes Yugyeom down so his head is resting on the pillows. Jinyoung then plops himself by his side, rests his head on Yugyeom’s chest and sighs.

Yugyeom feels his heart ache to have his hyung like this. Jinyoung was never weak. To him, Jinyoung was like a rock, always standing there solid and strong. Not once has Yugyeom ever see him falter or look so spent.

But as they both lie there in his bed, just the two of them in the quiet of his room with no fans screaming in the background, no stage lights and songs blaring around them, no makeup to hide the tiredness in his eyes, Jinyoung looks ready to crumble. And Yugyeom holds him in his arms, afraid his hyung might slip away.

“Don’t do that.” Jinyoung mutters. Yugyeom peers down at him. He can only see the top of his head.

“Do what?”

“Feel sorry for me.”

Yugyeom frowns. “But I do.”

“Don’t. I don’t like it.”

Yugyeom sighs. He stays quiet though. He knows how Jinyoung can be so stubborn sometimes.

Yugyeom shifts so Jinyoung can rest better on his chest. Jinyoung snuggles in his hold and Yugyeom smiles as Jinyoung throws an arm across his torso. 

Jinyoung can be touchy when he feels like it. And Yugyeom likes it when he does. Yugyeom doesn’t tell him how he appreciates it when Jinyoung slips his arms around his waist to hug him from behind or rest his head on his shoulder on the car when they’re on their way for some schedule. He doesn’t say anything. Because then Jinyoung would make fun of him for being so cheesy.

“It wasn’t just feeling sorry for you.” Yugyeom says to the ceiling. “I was scared I hurt you.”

Jinyoung pats him.

“I’m okay.”

“Does it really hurt?” Yugyeom can’t help but ask. “When Jaebum hyung...?”

It takes awhile for Jinyoung to reply.

“What answer would you like to hear?”

Yugyeom frowns again. “The truth, hyung. Always the truth.”

Yugyeom waits for Jinyoung patiently to reply.

“Sometimes it does.”

Yugyeom relaxes, grateful to have Jinyoung be honest with him.

“Does it hurt a lot?” He asks.

“Yes. When he’s not… When he doesn’t know…” 

Yugyeom understands this very well. They’re not allowed to be in the same room with Jaebum when he’s not himself. But he doesn’t have to see that part of his hyung to know how different he can become.

“But he also makes it better. Afterwards. He makes the pain better.” Jinyoung continues. Yugyeom is glad to know this.

“You two are fighting again, aren’t you?”

Jinyoung pokes his stomach making Yugyeom jerk.

“Yah. When have you been so perceptive of your hyungs.” Jinyoung teases.

“I always have!” Yugyeom argues. “It’s you guys who don’t tell us anything. Bambam and I are old enough to notice things, y’know.”

Jinyoung chuckles. “Don’t grow up too fast, Yugyeom-ah.”

“I want to. If it means being told things.”

Jinyoung sighs. “I’m sorry. We only do that to protect you and Bambam.”

“Hyung, Bambam and I can handle it.”

“I know you do.” Yugyeom can hear the smile in Jinyoung’s voice. “But you guys will always be kids to me.”

Yugyeom doesn’t push things any further. Jinyoung doesn’t have to tell him anything else. He can just hold him like this and he feels so much better to be able to comfort him this way. 

Jinyoung shifts in his hold as he covers his mouth to yawn. 

“You can sleep, hyung.” Yugyeom says. “I know you’re tired.”

“So tired, Yugyeom-ah…”

Yugyeom feels his heart breaking all over again at the crack in Jinyoung’s voice. He doesn’t know what he’s tired of. It could be the filming. It could be the singing. The performing. It could be being an artist. Or all the fighting. The constant arguments. The discord between Mark and Jaebum. It could be anything. And Yugyeom wants nothing more than to make it all okay for him.

“Then sleep, hyung.” Yugyeom says quietly.

Jinyoung does sleep, all curled up beside him as Yugyeom only holds him in his arms. He doesn’t know how long he stays there, but when he’s sure Jinyoung is fast sleep, he transfers him gently on his pillows and leaves.

Yugyeom quietly opens the door and is surprised to see Jaebum just standing there. Yugyeom doesn’t know how long he stood there. He’s looking at the door and then slowly his eyes go past Yugyeom’s shoulder to look at Jinyoung.

“He misses you, hyung.” Yugyeom says. Jaebum looks at him and then gives a small smile.

“I heard nothing of the sort.” 

Yugyeom smiles back. So he has been standing there long.

“Well, he does.” Yugyeom shrugs. “He doesn’t have to say it out loud.”

Jaebum sighs and nods. 

Without saying anything else, Yugyeom pulls Jaebum to him. He’s tall enough to just throw an arm around his hyung’s neck and pull him in. Ever since Jaebum was turned into something Yugyeom still doesn’t understand what, he’s had this sort of inhuman strength that Jaebum has to control. But at that moment, his body just sags into Yugyeom’s like a rag doll.

“You two need to stop fighting.” Yugyeom says to him.

“I know.” Jaebum mutters in his neck. And then a beat later, Jaebum’s hands curl around him to hug him tighter. “Thanks for being there for him, Yugyeom-ah.”

Anything. Anything for his hyungs.

Yugyeom releases Jaebum so he can go to Jinyoung. He watches as Jaebum crouches down beside Jinyoung’s sleeping form to brush away the hair in his eyes. Yugyeom smiles to himself and closes the door behind him.

Tomorrow, Jinyoung will act all tough around him and boss him around. As if he hadn’t showed Yugyeom this soft side of him. But that won’t stop Yugyeom from taking care of him.

Tomorrow, Yugyeom will still love his hyung, no matter what happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- my mom and daughter ship  
> \- also, if anyone wonders where's all the action, chill. I'm setting all the relationships up first \O/


	7. The Varying Degrees of Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex with lots of history?

There’s a difference between having sex with Jinyoung now and having sex with Jinyoung then. 

Sex with Jinyoung then was just sex. But Jaebum will always admit that the first time they did it, he saw stars.

Maybe because it was Jaebum’s first time and he never has any experience to compare. Maybe because it _wasn’t_ Jinyoung’s first time (and Jaebum will forever be jealous about that) and knew where and how to touch him. Maybe because Jaebum had a dick inside him and it was both strange and exhilarating and crazy. 

Or maybe because Jinyoung was staring at him the moment he came and Jaebum knew that no other person will ever come close to how he feels for him.

Sex with Jinyoung afterwards was experimental. Jaebum was curious whereas Jinyoung already knew what he was doing. Although Jinyoung never made him feel like he was doing it half heartedly. Jinyoung indulged him whenever he wanted to. Jinyoung taught Jaebum where to touch, how much pressure should he apply when he has his hand wrapped around his length, where to kiss, how to kiss, where to suck and just what to do to leave someone a complete mess in the sheets.

Jaebum had asked him where he learned all of it and Jinyoung replied he used to be curious too and fooled around a lot, which surprised Jaebum. He was older than Jinyoung by a few months and to him, it made a huge difference. He knew Jinyoung was rebellious and liked mischief. But it never occurred to him that Jinyoung would be so experienced with this. 

“What about now?” Jaebum asked him afterwards. Was he still fooling around then? He remembered anticipating his answer, a nervous fluttering in his stomach filling him.

“Not anymore.” Jinyoung replied, looking into Jaebum’s eyes with a smile and the fluttering in his stomach wasn’t out of nervous anxiety anymore. Giddiness replaced it. Jaebum knew then that his heart was pretty much smitten by Jinyoung at that point.

It wasn’t love then. Jaebum knew it wasn’t love, and so did Jinyoung. Jaebum always thought Jinyoung was a pretty boy while Jinyoung had eyes on the brooding trainee. It was the sound of each other’s voices singing that turned the whole thing into a massive crush. They were both 18. Young. Careless. And then of course there was the thrill of performing on stage together. The loud cheers. The adrenaline. The popularity. It was two of them against the world. But it was never love.

After all the experimentation came the neediness.

Jaebum felt useless after JYP told them what was to become of JJ Project. The duo group wasn’t going to disband. But there were no assurances that it would continue. Jaebum turned to sex with Jinyoung as a form of wanting to show him how much he needed him. How much he wants recognition. How much he wants Jinyoung to tell him _I need you too_. 

But it wasn’t what Jinyoung wanted from him seeing as he too was devastated with the news of them being put on hold. Jaebum was becoming selfish and Jinyoung needed something other than fucking each other with a kind of desperation.

So they ended it.

The sex ended. And it stayed that way for a long time. Jaebum’s life, and Jinyoung’s as well, felt like it was frozen or that time was moving painfully slow for the both of them. It was quiet. Practices were monotonous. Everything felt like it was dragging. 

They still saw each other. They had to. They glanced at each other’s way when they’re sure the other one isn’t looking. Jaebum still wanted Jinyoung but wasn’t ready to be with him. Jinyoung wanted Jaebum but felt like there were more important things for the both of them to be dealing with rather than deal with each other.

And then there came news. And then other trainees. Yugyeom. Mark. Jackson. Bambam. Youngjae. It wasn’t just the two of them anymore. They had friends. They had schedules. Recordings. Wardrobe fittings. It felt like everything was going to get better.

That was when everything started again. Time seemed to move faster. Jaebum and Jinyoung were no longer in a duo group but in a seven member group this time.

And by then, Jaebum learned how to become a man. He was no longer a kid who had dreams and aspirations for himself. He still had them, but there were six other people he wanted to share those dreams with. And it was an amazing feeling, to be able to share it with them. 

He had become a man that the sex was now different.

It was a surprise when he and Jinyoung hooked up again. Of course it would be with Jinyoung still. And it felt like a huge tidal wave of relief washed over Jaebum when he knew Jinyoung still felt the same way about him. He had always expected Jinyoung to find someone else. Jinyoung was beautiful, handsome, talented. He was ethereal in Jaebum’s eyes. Someone he could only have once in his life. He didn’t know Jinyoung was never over him and was always waiting, continuing to fall in love with the man that Jaebum turned into.

They did it in the kitchen in their dorm when they were both left alone one morning. Jackson had an ASC filming. Yugyeom went home to his parents. Bambam was out with one of the 2PM hyungs. Mark and Youngjae were out looking at dogs at a pet store.

It was Jinyoung who made the first move. Finding Jaebum in his pyjamas one morning, all relaxed, his hair tousled and drinking coffee was apparently the tipping point for him. He kissed him first and Jaebum always thought the spark he felt for Jinyoung would be gone by then. But he was wrong. The spark he held for Jinyoung burned like a flame. They were both a tangled mess, desperate for that human touch they’ve been craving from each other. The longing and the need for each other that accumulated over the years burst in that instant. Jinyoung wanted nothing but Jaebum’s hands all over him and Jaebum wanted nothing but Jinyoung’s lips on his skin.

It was the first time Jaebum fucked Jinyoung. The first time Jinyoung had Jaebum’s cock inside him. He didn’t know why their roles were reversed when he had always wanted Jinyoung the other way around. But it just happened. And it’s not like Jinyoung even hesitated or pointed that bit out. Both were in a hurry, desperate for each other. Jinyoung was spreading himself and Jaebum was the one aching to be inside him and fucking him until Jinyoung was digging his nails down his back as Jaebum lifted him up and down his cock.

Both have grown over the years that Jaebum found Jinyoung’s body even more beautiful than it once was when they first did it. Jinyoung had grown fuller, lean muscles spanning across his abdomen. He wasn’t well defined but it made him all the more sexy in Jaebum’s eyes. Meanwhile Jaebum had grown thicker, his arms having muscles where Jinyoung likes grabbing whenever Jaebum mouths on his neck and shoulder.

And when it all ended, when they’re both sweating with Jinyoung’s cum in Jaebum’s hand, both sated from the years of being away from each other and pining after one another, Jinyoung had laughed softly and jokingly said, “I taught you well.”

They were a thing. Again. Although this time, they’re not sure if it was love. It felt like love. But not quite. Jaebum was careful around Jinyoung, afraid that any move he’d make would send him running. He liked him. A lot. So Jaebum was always careful with him.

They also went around the dorm in secrecy. They both talked about it. The other members can’t know yet. They weren’t ready for the rest to know, not when they themselves weren’t sure where this was going. They fuck in the studios after practice where no one lingers behind. They fuck in the showers where the sound of the water hides Jinyoung whispering dirty phrases in Jaebum’s ears. They fuck in the silence of Jinyoung’s room, where he bites down hard on the edges of the pillows to keep from screaming out Jaebum’s name.

And then they had their first win. Their first win since debut. Jaebum always dreamed of it. But to win against top idol groups these days felt so impossible that it remained a dream. To have it happen felt so surreal and all Jaebum could think about was this moment. That Jaebum couldn’t have achieved this on his own. That everyone, all his members, made all this possible.

That Jinyoung was still here, despite everything that happened to them. That he hadn’t given up on him, on the group. That even though he could have made it on his own, being an actor and making a name for himself, he never left him.

Jaebum told Jinyoung he loved him after that. He was sure now. It wasn’t out of desperation or out of selfishness or out of greed. He loved Jinyoung. For who he was, for who he continues to be, and for just being there when everything was almost lost between the two of them.

And when Jinyoung told him he loved him back, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off Jaebum’s chest that he actually spun Jinyoung around while hugging him, making Jinyoung yell to put him down and how he was an embarrassing ball of fluff. Jaebum didn’t mind that one bit.

Sex after that was cheesy. Jinyoung would always tell him he was such a cheese for being so tender and so gentle with him but Jaebum doesn’t have to ask if that bothered him one bit. Because he likes taking it slow with him and he _knows_ Jinyoung likes it when Jaebum denies him release so soon. Jinyoung can tease him all he wants for being such a cheese. But Jaebum is so in love with him that he doesn’t mind being called one.

Jaebum told the other members. Everyone took the news well. Yugyeom jumped and pointed at them, shouting “I knew it!” when Jaebum and Jinyoung shared the news. Bambam told Jackson to cough the money they were both apparently betting on them while Youngjae laughed, clapped both Jaebum and Jinyoung on the backs and wished them well.

Mark on the other hand just smiled at them both and Jaebum was glad his only hyung seemed happy for them too.

Everything was great. For a time, everything felt like nothing would go wrong. They were at their peak. They were getting their name out there and the fanbase grew. Jaebum was happy. Everyone was. 

Until the attack. Until the bite. Until Jaebum turned into something inhuman. 

In an instant, everything changed. He didn’t feel like Im Jaebum anymore. He doesn’t think of the profession he’s living as something that mattered anymore. He was looking at his members differently. He was looking at Jinyoung differently. 

He was looking at them with nothing but red in his eyes.

He remembered struggling to be in the same room with people. He couldn’t be roommates with Youngjae anymore because his presence made his teeth ache. He couldn’t hang out with Yugyeom and Bambam anymore because all Jaebum feels is this insatiable hunger around them. He couldn’t be in the same room with Jackson and Mark because their very presence made Jaebum’s throat feel parched.

And with Jinyoung, all Jaebum feels is this _want_ and _need_ to sink his teeth in his skin and drink and drink and _drink_.

He wants to rip them apart. All of them. He wants to drain them dry and quell this thirst he can’t seem to control. He wants to _take_ until there’s nothing left but their drained bodies, lifeless and spent.

And it’s fucking up Jaebum so bad because it’s _not_ him who’s thinking all these things. 

It feels like there’s a different person inside of him, living and controlling every single thing he’s doing. He doesn’t want to hurt Youngjae. Nor does he want to kill Bambam and Yugyeom. He doesn’t want to harm Jackson and Mark.

And he especially doesn’t want to rip Jinyoung apart.

But eventually, eventually, he found a way to control it. He had to have a donor. He had to feed on him regularly. It had to be only one person so as to desensitize him from the rest. 

But it wasn’t so simple. It wasn’t easy. To have a donor didn’t mean he’d only feed on him. Jaebum was not human anymore and he had monstrous desires. It came with the package. And Jaebum hated himself for it.

If sex with Jinyoung then made Jaebum see stars, sex with Jinyoung afterwards made Jaebum see red.

Everything was red. He had no control over himself when the lust and the hunger took over. Every single time he’s done with Jinyoung, when he’s sated, when he’s had his fill, the rational part of him comes back. And what greets him every time is Jinyoung lying there all bloody. He’d have bite marks on his neck. He’d have fresh bruises on his skin. He’d have cum messily dripping down between his legs. And Jinyoung was always lifeless and unconscious that Jaebum feels like throwing up because he was the one responsible for this. He was the one responsible for hurting the person he loved so much.

Eventhough they talked about it before, eventhough Jinyoung knew what he was getting himself into, even when they’ve fought about it countless times, Jinyoung still wanted to be his donor. And Jaebum still can’t understand why Jinyoung stays with him despite all this. Jinyoung tells him because he loves him. And Jaebum does not know what to do, what to believe anymore, because how can he still love him after what he continues to do to him.

The members he holds dear in his heart is slowly trying to slip from his grasp. Jaebum constantly fights with Mark. He hates that Mark is always right. He _is_ hurting Jinyoung. And yet, he continues to argue with Mark and yell at him. 

He’s embarrassed to be in the same room with the younger ones as well. They always looked up to him. They told him that. Jaebum was always proud to have the younger ones think he’s the most amazing hyung in the world. But now, Jaebum doesn’t know what kind of hyung he is.

He’s trying. Everyday. Even if he sometimes feels like running away. He’s trying to become someone again. To become Im Jaebum again. He wants to be able to kiss Jinyoung without thinking of anything else except the feel of kissing a loved one. Without having the fear that any minute now, he’d rip them apart with his teeth. To hold Jinyoung and make love to him.

Love. Not just sex anymore.

Jaebum is trying and he’ll never stop. He’ll try until he no longer sees red but stars in his eyes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- All the relationship buildups will end on the 10th chapter  
> \- The actual storyline will start on the 11th chapter


	8. Hyung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae needs a change of scenery

Youngjae tugs at his hood tighter as he picks up his pace. The song he’s listening to is blaring in his ears and he focuses on the beat as he goes about his workout. 

He’s been running for an hour now. He rarely runs. But these days, Youngjae likes it. It feels liberating for some reason. He usually uses the company’s gym where the treadmill is always available. But not today. Today, Youngjae is looking for a change of scenery.

The Han River looks beautiful at night. It’s a bit crowded since it’s a Friday evening. But Youngjae doesn’t mind the crowd. If anything else, he likes it. He waves at a little girl on her stroller and the kid gurgles at him. Youngjae chuckles as he passes by.

He doesn’t have to worry about anyone recognizing him. He has his hood on and it’s dark. A lot of people have the same getup as he does so it’s not like he stands out among them. 

He closes his eyes and feels the breeze on his face. Fifteen minutes more and then he’s done. He’ll take the bus home rather than have one of the managers pick him up. It’s late and he knows they’re out enjoying a night off to themselves anyway.

He opens his eyes but he’s not focusing on anything in particular. He’s lost in thought as he jogs, mouthing the words on the song he’s listening to, when he’s suddenly wrenched back. Youngjae yelps at the force as he’s spun around. A hooded figure greets him and the stranger shakes him in his hold. Youngjae can’t make out his face as the stranger keeps on yelling at him.

“What?!” Youngjae yells through the sound of the music he’s still listening to. The stranger tugs his earphones off and Jaebum’s angry voice rings in his ears.

_“Do you know how late it is?! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Why aren’t you answering any of my calls?!”_

Youngjae has to gather his bearings before he can reply. He’s still panting, his lungs catching up to him. 

He can make out Jaebum’s face better now that he has his hands on his knees and looking under his hood.

“Hyung,” He winces as his voice comes off breathless and incoherent. “Note. Bathroom.” He motions with his hands. He hopes Jaebum understood that he meant he left a note in the bathroom where he was going.

_“And no one went with you?!”_

“Hyung, it’s a friday night.” Youngjae pants.

Jaebum closes his eyes and seethes. He has his chin jut out and Youngjae can tell he’s angry. 

He’s not supposed to be out all alone. Youngjae knows that very well. After what happened to Jaebum, management made sure to have one member, or a manager at least, with them at all times.

But it’s not like Youngjae’s completely alone. There are probably a dozen people within his surroundings. He’s not running on some secluded area. He really needed to get out of the dorm for a while. Besides, he did leave a note.

And then he realizes Jaebum only ever comes back late at night in the dorms and probably didn’t see it.

Jaebum is still seething and Youngjae feels really bad for not even texting or letting any of them know he was going to go out. Youngjae waits for Jaebum to calm down before he can say anything else.

“Hyung, I’m sorry.” Youngjae apologizes. “I didn’t mean to go off on my own.” Youngjae shows his mp3 player. “I left my phone in my room and only brought this.”

Jaebum finally drops the tension in his shoulders and shakes his head. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I should have checked. I shouldn’t have yelled…” 

Jaebum looks around. A couple of people close to them are staring, probably wondering why Jaebum was yelling earlier. Jaebum nudges at Youngjae to follow him.

“Come on.”

They head to a quiet spot on the grass. They’re not entirely isolated from the public but it’s enough to have them talk to each other without anyone overhearing them.

Jaebum buys him a bottle of energy drink and they both down it quietly. Youngjae smiles, turning the drink around in his hand. After all these years, Jaebum still knows what drink he likes. For some reason, this little bit mattered to him. They used to do this all the time. They’d hang out here, just the two of them. Before. When Jaebum was still Jaebum then.

 _What am I thinking?_ Of course Jaebum is still Jaebum. He’s still his hyung. Youngjae glances at Jaebum who has his face revealed now. Although has a cap on, he’s barely recognizable this time of the night.

“You okay?” Jaebum asks him. Youngjae blinks back, confused.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Jaebum smiles. “Just wondering. You don’t run.”

Youngjae laughs at that. “I don’t. Just wanted to get out of the dorm for awhile.”

“The yelling must be getting to you, huh?” Jaebum looks over at the river. “I’m sorry.”

Youngjae can’t even deny it. The yelling _has_ been getting to him. If it’s a good day, Mark and Jaebum go at it once. If it’s a bad day, it’s all three of their voices in the living room, Jinyoung trying to pacify them both while Mark and Jaebum go on and on about things.

Honestly, he doesn’t listen. No matter how loud the yelling gets. The walls in Yugyeom and Bambam’s room are thankfully thick enough to muffle their arguments.

“Are _you_ okay?” Youngjae asks. Jaebum seems agitated lately.

“Now that I found you, yeah, I am.” 

“Hyung,” Youngjae pouts. “I’m really sorry.”

“I know.” Jaebum reaches over and pats his head. “It’s not you. It’s me. This place doesn’t exactly bring fond memories.”

Youngjae knows this is where Jaebum was bitten. Months ago. Back at the very farthest stretch of the Han River where there weren’t a lot of people. A shiver runs up Youngjae’s spine at the possibility of being attacked tonight. He should’ve been more careful.

“How did you know where I was anyway?” Youngjae asks. Jaebum points to his shoes.

“Your running shoes were gone. You weren’t at the gym. And there’s only one place where we all like to go to when we’re up for a jog.” Jaebum’s jaw tightens for a second before staring down at the ground. “Like I said, it’s not you, it’s me. I didn’t even check the note you left. I just… ran here.”

Jaebum’s concern has Youngjae feel a little warm. He should be ashamed for even worrying him. But Youngjae likes it. He likes the thought of his hyung worried about him and looking for him so fast. He’s really sorry for worrying him. But it’s nice to know that Jaebum still watches out for him even when he’s too preoccupied with things happening at the dorm. 

“And there’s been another attack.”

Youngjae’s eyes widen at that.

“Who?”

Jaebum shakes his head. “I don’t know. People were talking about it backstage today but I didn’t stick around to find out. I went home to look for all of you. Just to make sure…”

Now Youngjae feels really bad for making him worry.

“I won’t run outside. I’ll stay at the gym.” Youngjae promises and that little bit has the crease on Jaebum’s forehead ease up a little.

“If you could, I’d appreciate it.”

“I will.”

Jaebum smiles.

“So um,” Youngjae clears his throat, trying to change the subject. “Bambam and Yugyeom are done composing their own songs for the new album.”

“Already?” Jaebum stares at him in surprise. Youngjae nods.

“Yeah. They also finished practicing the new choreography. Although that’s not such a hard thing to ask of Yugyeom.” Youngjae shrugs. “Oh and they already passed their Japanese lessons so they’re moving up a level.”

Jaebum continues to stare at him in disbelief. “When did all this happen?!”

“Last week.” Youngjae sighs. “I know, I know. We’re a week late. But they did their best and-”

Youngjae is pulled into a tight hug with Jaebum throwing an arm around his neck to pull him in his chest and messing his hair up.

“Hyung!”

Jaebum laughs. “No, _you’re_ the hyung! I can’t believe you managed to get them to finish all their homework in time!”

Youngjae gasps as Jaebum squeezes the life out of him.

“It was not on time! Bambam kept fooling around and Yugyeom-”

“Youngjae-ah,” Jaebum releases him and Youngjae pats his hair in place. “A week late is better than the past schedules we had to deal with. I can’t even get them to do their laundry on time. So thank you.”

Youngjae hopes the red on his cheek is hidden from the dark. Hearing compliments from Jaebum mattered a lot to him and right now, Youngjae feels like he’s done something Jaebum can be proud of him.

He knows he doesn’t have to do anything. Jaebum has assured Youngjae countless times he’s proud of him. But Youngjae will stop at nothing to please him. Maybe because he’s the hyung that was always there for him since the start. All those extra hours spent at the recording studio because he had to catch up with the rest. All those hours spent after dance practices to perfect the choreography until he could get the moves right. He was the trainee who spent the shortest amount of time training with the company and Youngjae still can’t understand why he debuted. It’s an insecurity he can’t get over. So it has always bothered him, no matter how many years have passed.

It was Jaebum who taught him everything. And Youngjae will never stop paying him back for all the things Jaebum did for him. Jaebum has only asked one thing of him once: to take care of Bambam and Yugyeom while he’s trying to deal with things. And Youngjae promised to keep his end of the deal.

“You’ve got everything done till next week.” Jaebum whistles. “You should go home. Visit your parents, or something.”

Youngjae shrugs as he takes a sip of his drink. “It’s a month till comeback starts again. I’ll go home once it ends.”

“Take a break then. Go on a date. You’re still seeing that new trainee girl, right?”

Youngjae chokes on his drink. Jaebum laughs and pats his back.

“Hyung!” Youngjae can feel his cheeks burning. “How did you know about that?!”

“Yah,” Jaebum looks at him. “I may be busy. But I’m still keeping an eye out for all of you.”

“Even Mark hyung?”

Youngjae realized too late what he just said. He hadn’t meant for it to come out like that. He knows things are tense between his two hyungs and none of them pry. But the fighting worries him and he’s scared something bad will happen between the two. He loves them both like older brothers and he wants them to stop fighting. So they can go back to the way it once was, where everything wasn’t so strained, when laughing around each other didn’t feel like a luxury, where Youngjae wasn’t the hyung, when everything was just _normal_.

Youngjae just wants everything back.

Instead of getting mad at him like Youngjae expected, Jaebum gives him a sad smile.

“Of course. Even Mark hyung.”

The way he said it has Youngjae feel relieved but also, it tugs at his heart to hear Jaebum sound like this. Like he’s not the only one torn up about the fights.

“I’m sorry for all the yelling. Mark hyung and I just have very different views on things lately.”

Youngjae knows that very well.

“But you’re learning how to control it, right?” Youngjae asks worriedly. “Soon? Everything will be better?”

Jaebum looks at him and smiles. “Yes. Everything will be better.”

Youngjae breathes out in relief. “I’m glad then.”

Jaebum then eyes him seriously. “If you were worried I was hungry though and would like some space-”

“I’m not afraid of you!” Youngjae exclaims, grabbing Jaebum’s arm to keep him from leaving him. He would never want Jaebum to think he was scared of him. Whatever Jaebum is these days, he’s still his hyung.

Jaebum looks at him for a moment and then chuckles.

“Thank you, Youngjae-ah. That means a lot to me.”

Youngjae beams at that.

He stands up and offers a hand out for Jaebum. Jaebum grabs it and Youngjae pulls him up. It’s Youngjae’s turn to take care of Jaebum as he makes sure his hyung has his hood on as they return to the dorm.

“So tell me about that girl trainee.” Jaebum starts as they walk home. “How many dates have you guys been on?”

Youngjae winces and proceeds to tell Jaebum they haven’t even dated yet and harboring a crush isn’t exactly considered seeing anyone. But he does tell him about the girl trainee and how it’s just going to stay as a crush for a while since company rules say she’s not allowed to date yet.

Youngjae talks and Jaebum listens, and all the while, Youngjae is glad he did head out tonight and run.

The change of scenery was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- we're getting there don't worry  
> \- i love youngjae. he's my sunflower.


	9. Playtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Playtime with a beast

Taming a beast isn't that much difficult. In fact, if someone were to ask Jinyoung, he'd tell you it was a piece of cake. It's dangerous the first time though, that much is obvious enough. But when the beast learns to become dependent on its master, then it has no choice but to obey.

Like when Jinyoung tells Jaebum to fuck him, Jaebum simply submits.

Jinyoung is pinned to the door as soon as they arrive home from their last schedule. The rest of the members have gone home for the holidays straight from work. Jinyoung sat beside Jaebum on the ride home and casually whispered those words in his ear and how there's no one in the dorm except for the two of them.

He hadn't realized how much that little teasing got to Jaebum.

"Ah hyung," Jinyoung whines as Jaebum is already nipping down his neck and fumbling for the buttons on his pants. "At least get us to the bedroom."

Jaebum gives a small impatient noise. Jinyoung chuckles at that but shudders when Jaebum sinks to his knees and noses on his stomach.

He's hungry. Jinyoung can sense how hungry he is. But it's not the desire for blood that Jinyoung can feel dripping through their link. It's Jaebum's need to fuck Jinyoung and please him as he requested.

Jinyoung gasps as Jaebum unzips and pulls his pants down in one fluid motion. He's about to tell Jaebum to wait, hold on just a minute so he can at least get his pants off his ankles. But Jaebum has a palm on his stomach, keeping him in place as he takes his cock in his hands.

"Fuck, hyung, what are you hurrying up for? We're the only ones here-" Jinyoung's words die on his throat as Jaebum takes him in his mouth. He forgot how that felt like, to be honest. Jaebum rarely ever pleasures him like this anymore. Because of obvious reasons. Because Jaebum turns into his inhuman side every time they do this.

But right now, Jaebum is Jaebum and _God_ how Jinyoung just misses his boyfriend.

Jinyoung tips his head up as he continues to breathe through his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut at the way Jaebum drags his mouth up and down his length. He keeps on teasing him, swallowing around him, and kissing his tip that Jinyoung doesn't know whether to take back what he said and just have Jaebum finish him off or not. He has no idea how Jaebum got so much better at this.

Jaebum's hand drags along his shaft and a particular squeeze has Jinyoung bucking. Jaebum holds him on both sides of his waist, pushing him back against the door to keep from moving. Jinyoung feels so restrained. Jaebum’s hold on him is so tight, and it's such a turn on.

The heat pooling in his stomach threatens to consume him then and Jinyoung shoves Jaebum off of him by the shoulders.

"Hyung," Jinyoung is all breathless. Jaebum won't stop and though Jinyoung would love nothing more than to let him have his way, he doesn't want to end this so soon.

"Jaebum hyung," Jinyoung whimpers. Jaebum has reached around his ass to squeeze and the pressure is sending his insides tightening.

"Jaebum-ah!" Jinyoung exclaims, mustering up the last of his strength. Jaebum seems to hear him this time and lets his cock slip from his lips.

"Hey," Jaebum looks up at him, as if he hadn’t heard him earlier. There's a trail of saliva from his lips to Jinyoung's dick and the image of his boyfriend too focused on sucking him off like that sears into Jinyoung's mind. Jaebum's voice all gruff and husky makes Jinyoung pull him up. He's still trembling from halting his own release but he has enough strength to pull Jaebum's face to his so he can kiss him.

He can taste himself on Jaebum's lips. Jaebum traps him against the door, their bodies flushed against each other. He can’t breathe. Jaebum’s tongue feels glorious in his mouth. His cock stirs in between them when he feel’s Jaebum getting hard as well.

"Bed." Jinyoung breathes between kisses. Jaebum nods.

Jinyoung leaves a trail of his clothes on the way. No one's going to walk in on them and he has to ditch his pants if he wants to move. Jaebum, though obviously impatient as well, laughs as Jinyoung curses under his breath, hopping from one foot to the other as he kicks off the last of his garments.

They head to his room. Since they can't use Jaebum's and make a mess of it without Youngjae noticing anything. Jaebum almost throws Jinyoung on the mattress before hovering over him. His looming figure sends his stomach tightening. Jinyoung throws an arm around his neck and pulls him down to kiss him again.

Jaebum grunts and lets out a sort of mewl when Jinyoung grabs his ass and guides him to his cock. Jaebum's still fully clothed and the rough material of his jeans is heaven against Jinyoung's erection. Jaebum rolls his hips, humping him. Jinyoung shudders in pleasure when Jaebum leaves his lips and bites on his collar. It wasn't a bite to draw blood but a soft playful bite to remind him he is his.

Jinyoung shoves Jaebum so he can flip their positions. There's a dazed look in Jaebum's eyes that has Jinyoung feel that burst of confidence in straddling him and making a show of taking his shirt off. He was always confident. Especially in _this_ department. He doesn’t consider himself well built but he has enough muscles to show off. But sometimes, he can't help but feel shy like a schoolboy with a crush around Jaebum who's just about to lose his virginity for the first time.

Jaebum sits up to reach his lips but Jinyoung backs off. A small snarl rises on Jaebum's throat at that. Jinyoung smirks.

"Hold on," Jinyoung reaches for the lube on his bedside table. But instead of squeezing it on his hand, Jinyoung places some on Jaebum's fingers instead.

Jaebum knows what to do after that as he reaches around Jinyoung's ass. Jinyoung smiles down at him as Jaebum rests his chin on his stomach, looking up at him teasingly. His lubed fingers are cold but that’s not the reason why Jinyoung is trembling. Jaebum is teasing him again, dragging a finger from his asshole to his balls, fondling him before going back again, until Jinyoung’s legs are spread for him all eager to be fucked with his fingers.

The first finger in has Jinyoung clenching down. He feels the usual burn, but Jaebum is instantly on it, kissing up Jinyoung's stomach to distract him. His kisses tickle, alleviating the pain he feels from the stretch. 

“One more.” Jinyoung breathes out. The second finger in has him sink down on his touch. Whenever he feels a slight discomfort, Jinyoung tugs at Jaebum's hair where he has his fingers buried, letting him know how he feels. He runs his hands along the soft strands of his hair, petting him in appreciation. Until Jaebum gets to a third finger and Jinyoung feels so _so_ full.

Jinyoung feels too wound up to even move. Jaebum’s fingers inside him is making his cock ache in anticipation. He wants the real thing. He wants Jaebum to fuck him now, wants Jaebum’s cock rather than his fingers. Jinyoung is giving off short shallow breaths as Jaebum still works his fingers inside him. It takes awhile but right when Jinyoung relaxes a bit, Jaebum hits a spot.

Jinyoung's breath hitches and he knows Jaebum felt the way his ass just clenched down on his fingers. Jaebum smirks then and begins to tease, rubbing the pads of his fingers along it until Jinyoung is sweating all over and the heat coiling in his stomach returns. Jinyoung moans out loud when Jaebum wraps his free hand around his length and slides along it up and down. He doesn’t stop the sounds coming out of his mouth. He’s filled to the brim with Jaebum’s fingers and it feels so good.

Once again, the need to come fills Jinyoung and this time, he grabs Jaebum's hair hard. Jaebum seethes, but he seems to like it as he fights back and lowers his mouth on him. Jinyoung feels his cock hit the back of Jaebum's throat and Jaebum fucking swallows.

He shouldn't have finished then. But he couldn't help it. Jaebum's fingers on his ass, and his mouth on his dick feels so good that he seemed to have lost control of all of his senses and comes unprepared. Jinyoung lets out a whimper and a long drawn out moan as his orgasm fills him. Jaebum doesn't seem to mind as he continues to suck, milking him until Jinyoung is pulling at his hair to back off, for Jaebum to stop, _hyung stop, please, hyung..._

Jaebum takes his fingers out of him and Jinyoung feels so so empty then. Jaebum gives the tip of his dick one last kiss before letting it drop from his mouth. The site is lewd but Jinyoung loves his boyfriend being dirty.

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung apologizes but he knows he shouldn't have. That's what Jaebum wanted all along. Jaebum smiles at him and Jinyoung, though still shaking from his release, uses this moment of weakness from him to push him back on the bed and undress him himself.

Jaebum's hard, the bulge on his jeans evident. Jinyoung drags his hands up his shirt to take it off and then unzips him. Jaebum almost lurches off the bed when Jinyoung drags that zipper down slowly.

"Don't play," Jaebum growls but Jinyoung ignores him. He'll play when he wants to.

There's a wet patch on Jaebum's underwear where precum had gathered and Jinyoung mouths on it, sucking on the clothed head of his cock teasingly. Jaebum throws his head back at that, a hand flying to his face to hide his embarrassment. Jinyoung wants to laugh at how adorable he is. Jaebum is so hot all the time but he’s the cutest thing in the world to him.

Jinyoung pulls Jaebum’s pants off. He leaves his underwear on and pulls the waistbands down just until the head is peeking. Jinyoung looks at him coyly just before his tongue darts out to taste him. He can hear Jaebum hissing, making Jinyoung chuckle before he finally sucks.

A submissive Jaebum is _hot_. And Jinyoung loves that he’s the only one who can see this side of him. Jaebum fighting back his whimpers has Jinyoung dip his tongue in his slit, making him choke on his moan. It’s hot and cute and Jinyoung feels like the luckiest man in the world to have a boyfriend this adorable.

“Jinyoung-ah…” Jaebum hiccups. “Don’t… play.”

“I’m not.” Jinyoung smiles. He pulls down the rest of Jaebum’s underwear, freeing his cock, and Jinyoung marvels at the way it’s curved. Though he just managed to come earlier, Jinyoung feels his own cock stir again at the sight. He wants to come again. He wants to get fucked. Jinyoung wants Jaebum. He wants his dick up his ass _now_.

Still fully stretched, Jinyoung applies more lube as he clambers atop him and lowers himself on Jaebum’s cock. The slide in is smooth and Jinyoung breathes through his mouth as he feels Jaebum inside him. Every single time, every single time they do this, Jinyoung feels like he’s on another plane. It’s like they’re both sharing one body. It must be a donor thing. To have the one who feeds on you linked to you like this. He can actually feel Jaebum pulsating inside him.

Jinyoung lifts and then lowers himself on Jaebum’s cock again. Jaebum’s hands are on his waist, guiding him. Jinyoung has both his hands on Jaebum’s chest, fucking himself up and down Jaebum’s cock. He’s staring at him, letting him show how good this feels as every emotion flits through his face.

“Jinyoung- Fuck, Jinyoung-ah…” Jaebum keeps on repeating his name like a mantra. He can see Jaebum’s forearms flexing and the muscles on his abdomen tightening from him trying so hard not to come. Jinyoung finds this a challenge and he speeds up, bouncing on Jaebum’s dick.

Jaebum moans. Jinyoung’s hard by now, his dick slapping against his stomach. He can come now if he wants. But not yet. Not _yet_.

Suddenly, he’s flipped over and Jinyoung finds himself looking up at Jaebum. The feral look on his eyes show how hungry he is. But since Jinyoung can feel him, he knows it's not for blood still.

Jinyoung pushes himself off of Jaebum, turns, gets on his hands and knees and looks over his shoulder.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung tips his ass for him. “Fuck me.”

Jaebum grabs his ass as he positions himself behind him. It doesn’t take that long and soon enough, Jinyoung’s head is lolling between his shoulders as Jaebum pistons himself in and out of him so fast.

Jinyoung can’t keep up. He wanted Jaebum to find his release first but at this point, it feels like Jinyoung’s about to hit his peak. The bed creaks from their movements and the sound of it along with skin slapping against skin is music to Jinyoung’s ears. Jaebum’s fingers dig too deep on his waist and his thrusts hit right against his prostate. He’s going to combust, again, and Jinyoung anticipates it.

Only, Jinyoung is pulled backwards to Jaebum’s chest. Jinyoung’s body curves to Jaebum’s will. He’s still fucking him and it feels even deeper this way. Jaebum’s hand is on his cock and the touch has Jinyoung gasp as he finds his release again. But this time, it’s coupled with the feel of Jaebum’s teeth piercing through his flesh. 

Jinyoung can’t seem to give off a sound. Jaebum is fucking him through his orgasm and biting down on him. He isn’t drinking, Jinyoung can still tell through the haze. He’s only marking him. He’s being so possessive at a time like this that Jinyoung submits himself to him, lets him mark him as his because he is _his_ and will always be a part of Jaebum’s life now.

Jinyoung finds the strength to clench down on Jaebum’s cock and he feels his thrusts stutter at that. Warmth fills Jinyoung then and he smiles through his haze as Jaebum’s cum fils him. He doesn’t let go of him yet. Jaebum’s teeth is still in his neck. He did still for a moment so Jinyoung moves his hips in and out of him as he continues to spill inside him.

Finally, Jinyoung feels his fangs retract and Jaebum licks at the wounds. Jinyoung shudders as he feels Jaebum pull out, his cum slowly dripping between his legs. Jaebum drags a finger down there, sliding a finger up the trail of cum back to his asshole.

“Mine.” Jaebum whispers in his ear possessively. Jinyoung can only nod.

“Yours.”

They both collapse on the bed and Jaebum is chuckling, peppering him with kisses this time rather than bites. Jinyoung groans at the sensitivity but welcomes it.

“I love you, Jinyoung-ah.” Jaebum says in his ear. He sounds a bit sad and relieved and Jinyoung doesn’t know what to make of it.

Nevertheless, Jinyoung turns to look at him and peck him on the lips, making sure he’s alright. Jaebum smiles at that and nuzzles his face in his neck.

“I love you too, hyung.” Jinyoung replies.

He might have tamed the beast. But that night, Jinyoung had let the beast tame him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I apologize for the delay if anyone was waiting.  
> \- Double update today ^^


	10. 아파

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s only so much Jackson can handle.

There’s only so much Jackson can handle.

And yet, he’s still sitting there taking in more.

Like now. Jackson’s staring at Jinyoung as he helps Mark down some pain killers since he's stuck in bed. Mark's sick. Or more like hungover. He and Mark stayed up late last night drinking and Mark drank so much that Jackson had to carry him on his back all the way home.

Jackson's fine. There's a slight pounding in his head but he's fine. There’s also this stifling sensation creeping up his throat. It’s not the remnants of the alcohol that’s making him feel this one though. He’s sure of it.

Mark on the other hand can't seem to move without throwing up. There's a pail right next to his bed which Jackson just cleaned for him to use again when he throws up later. Jinyoung is holding him in his arms, careful not to jostle him so much while he fixes his pillows.

Jackson’s staring at them both, wondering what it would feel like to be in Jinyoung’s place.

"Who do I actually rely around here to act like an adult?" Jinyoung glares at him. Jackson can understand why he's angry. They have a schedule later in the afternoon and hair and makeup should be done before that. They've been late countless times to certain events and one more would piss off management and fans. Jaebum's already stalling the managers and finding a way to push back the schedule while Youngjae has the younger ones all ready just in case some of them need to be there earlier just for show. They'll have to get Mark up on his feet in a few hours if they want to go to this thing without being yelled at.

Jackson knew better than to stay up late last night. But Mark said he needed a drink and well, after what happened that night, Jackson could use another one right about now. 

“Jackson, help me change his shirt. He’s sweating.”

Jackson grabs a clean shirt on his and Mark’s cabinet. He waits as Jinyoung takes Mark’s top off before helping him put it on. Mark shivers for a moment before he goes slump again. They can’t tell if Mark’s awake or not and Jackson is honestly worried.

“How much did you two drink?” Jinyoung shakes his head as they both change Mark’s shirt.

“Just enough.” Is Jackson’s reply.

Just enough. Just enough for Jackson to hear everything.

_"I love him."_ Mark had said to him last night. It was the first time he said the words out loud. Jackson doesn't know why he felt like his lungs were being squeezed out of his chest when Mark said that to him. He's known all along how Mark feels about Jinyoung. But to have him say it out loud somehow makes it a thousand times worse.

_"I love him,"_ Mark had said. His voice was all slurred a second time but Jackson heard what he said, loud and crystal clear. It's too bad really that Jackson wasn't drunk as fuck for him to forget that the next morning.

_"Jackson-ah,"_ Mark had whimpered and he sounded like he was in so much pain that Jackson wanted so badly to ease whatever hurt he’s feeling. _"Why doesn't he love me back?"_

_Because you're not Jaebum_ , Jackson wanted to say. And yet, he couldn't say it to Mark's pissed drunk face.

“Just enough?” Jinyoung motions to Mark who looks like he’s going to throw up again. Jackson reaches for the pail just in time for Mark to bury his face in it and puke.

“Mark hyung’s hammered and all you can say was _just enough_?”

“I’m sorry, alright? Is that what you wanted to hear?” Jackson responds and the second he hears himself, his tone coming off harsh, makes him instantly regret it. He’s not mad at Jinyoung. Far from it. He’s just… Jackson doesn’t understand what he feels actually. He lacks sleep. Something hurts inside him. He’s not sure where, but it hurts. And to top it all off, he feels so _inadequate._

He should have told Mark to stay at the dorms. He shouldn’t have gone out to drink with him. He should’ve stopped him from ordering drink after drink and shouldn’t have listened to all those things he said.

He shouldn’t have fallen in love with him in the first place.

Jinyoung sighs and gets up from the bed just as Mark lies back down and groans.

“That’s it.” Jinyoung heads for the door.

“Where are you going?” Jackson asks.

“To get my wallet. I’m heading down to that herbal drug store for that medicinal tea. The one that cures hangovers.” Jinyoung leaves the room but pops his head in again and adds, “Get dressed. You’re coming with me.”

Jackson grabs a sweater and puts it over his head. Fine. Maybe this is all his fault. But he couldn’t really deny Mark company that night. He looked awful. Miserable. Jackson doesn’t know what happened earlier that day for Mark to want to drink so badly. But Jackson knew he went out with Jinyoung before that. Jackson actually thought they had a great time. Jinyoung had an arm thrown around Mark’s shoulders when they came home. They were both laughing as they arrived at the door.

But apparently, laughter can be deceiving.

Jackson replaces Jinyoung’s spot beside Mark on the bed. He’s still groaning and Jackson arranges his pillows so he’s comfortable.

“Hyung, I’ll come back for some medicine, alright?” Jackson says to him quietly. He places a hand on Mark’s forehead to soften the wrinkle on his brow.

“Don’t...” Mark winces, eyes still shut. He sounds like he’s still out of it. “Stay...”

Jackson brushes his fringe off his eyes. “I’ll be back. It’s just a block away from here.”

Mark whimpers and the sound sends a small tug in Jackson’s chest. “Stay… Don’t go… Stay, Jinyoung-ah…”

To say that he feels like his lungs just closed in on him and his heart feels like it broke in two is an understatement. Jackson wonders how much more, really. How much more can he take?

Despite it all, Jackson forces himself to smile. Even when Mark can’t see him. It’s a pathetic reassurance to himself he’s going to be okay. Mark doesn’t have to see this kind of smile.

Besides, since when has Mark ever seen him the way Jackson has through the years anyway?

The door to their room opens and Jackson turns to see Bambam all dressed up and ready. But the makeup doesn’t conceal the worry on his face as he looks at Mark still lying on the bed.

“Jinyoung hyung’s waiting for you outside.” Bambam motions to Mark. “I’ll look after him.”

“Shouldn’t you be at the fansign by now?” Jackson asks.

“And leave hyung alone?” Bambam shakes his head.

Jackson smiles and ruffles Bambam’s perfectly styled hair as he passes by him. Bambam doesn’t make a fuss about it. He’s too distracted worrying over Mark. They’ll all get into trouble later. All of them. But it’s better than just one of them getting all the blame.

“Take care of him, Bam. I’ll be back.”

Jackson finds Jinyoung waiting for him by the elevators and they both ride it in silence. Jackson can tell Jinyoung is disappointed at him. Jackson’s disappointed at himself too. He’s always taken good care of Mark through the years. Tonight was apparently a lapse on his part.

Jackson looks at Jinyoung from the corner of his eye. He wonders if Jinyoung knows by now. If he has any inkling as to how Mark feels about him. All those arguments with Jaebum, all those yelling. They had been for him. And though Jackson doesn’t hate Jinyoung at all, he hates that there’s this kind of one sided love that’s making things difficult and ugly for all of them.

Jinyoung leads the way to the herbal store while Jackson follows closely behind. He could still hear Mark’s words ringing in his ears with every step he takes. He wonders if Mark wasn’t hungover, if Mark had any sense of coherency, if Mark knew it was Jackson sitting by his side, would he have asked him to stay?

Jinyoung greeting the lady behind the counter and asking where he can buy tea for hangovers has Jackson snap out of his reverie. The lady tells them to wait just a moment while she looks for it at the back. Jackson stands there in silence by Jinyoung’s side, waiting as well.

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung starts. Jackson looks at him. “For earlier.” 

Jackson gives a small smile. “I know you’re still mad at me.”

“I’m not.” Jinyoung replies. “I’m just worried. When I’m worried, I tend to act all…”

Jackson nods. Jinyoung’s temper flares when he’s anxious. He knows that.

“Will the tea work?” Jackson asks.

“It did for Yugyeom.” Jinyoung replies, referring to the time they were in Mark’s house in LA. Jinyoung had brought a couple of tea bags just in case.

Jinyoung nudges him. “Are you okay? Any headaches I should know about?”

Jackson considers telling him then. _Mark hyung’s in love with you_ , he wants to say. _Hyung’s in love with you and it’s giving me a headache._

But he can’t. He’s not allowed to. It isn’t his secret to tell.

“I’m okay.” Jackson reaches to squeeze Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about me.”

“That’s a difficult thing to do, you know. Not worry about you.” Jinyoung taps his fingers on the counter.

Is this why Mark loves Jinyoung? Because he’s sweet? Because he looks after all of them? It’s not that difficult to love Jinyoung. Jackson loves him. He loves him like a brother and would do anything for him. Mark loving Jinyoung doesn’t make Jackson look at Jinyoung any differently. He’s the friend that knows him well next to Mark. He’s the friend who makes sure to call him every day when Jackson’s busy with a schedule just to check up on him when he rarely meets the rest back at the dorms. Jinyoung is caring and sweet and blunt and supportive. It wouldn’t be that difficult to love him.

But Jackson just wants to know. Why him? Why would Mark look at Jinyoung and not him? Jackson was Mark’s friend first. They spent the most amount of time together. How has Mark seen Jinyoung, fall in love with him, spend all that time fighting with Jaebum for him, when he’s been with Jackson the longest?

It’s thoughts like these that make Jackson feel that ugly thing called jealousy. And he feels awful about it.

Jinyoung pays for the tea and has the lady wrap it up for them to go. Jackson carries it with him as they walk back home.

“What did you and Mark hyung do yesterday?” Jackson asks.

“Nothing much. He said he was bored at home. I took him out for a movie.” Jinyoung shrugs. “We ate out. He took me to that galbi place you took him to.” Jinyoung then frowns. “Why don’t you ever take me out to eat?”

Though his heart felt so heavy earlier, Jackson finds himself laughing.

“Are we really going to start that again?”

“It’s true. You always go out with Mark hyung. Well, if it isn’t Bambam, it’s hyung.” He pouts.

“That’s because I love him the most.” Jackson says. It’s the truth. The whole goddamn truth.

“I know.” Jinyoung replies, his tone so casual that it makes Jackson look at him. For a moment, Jackson thinks Jinyoung knows. And the thought scares him. Because no one can ever know. Not Jinyoung. Not Mark. Not anyone. Because it’ll complicate things and it’s complicated enough back at home.

Jackson’s fine with keeping his own secrets to himself.

Jinyoung looks up from the pavement where he had his eyes on, looks at Jackson, and smiles. “It’s great that he has you.”

Jackson looks away at that. Mark has him alright. Jackson will always be his friend. The friend he goes to when he wants to stay quiet. The friend he goes to when he needs a good laugh. Jackson’s the friend Mark will drag out the dorms when he needs a drink because he trusts Jackson will take care of him and bring him home. Jackson’s the friend that will listen to all his ramblings, and it wouldn’t matter what language they’ll speak because Jackson will understand him with or without anything being spoken out loud.

Jackson is the friend that will stay, even if Mark will never look at him the same way he does.

And that thought hurts. It _hurts_. Jackson finds himself slowing down and then stopping in the middle of the sidewalk just to take that in. He’ll stay. For Mark. Until Mark tells him he doesn’t need him anymore. But he’ll always stay.

“Jackson?” Jinyoung turns around, probably wondering why Jackson isn’t following him anymore. “Jackson, you okay?”

Jackson looks at Jinyoung.

“It hurts.” He finally says, the words coming out soft and small. It’s a relief to say it out loud. Like a weight has been lifted off of him. He feels vulnerable though and he hates that.

Jinyoung’s eyes widen and he’s instantly in Jackson’s space in front of him, cupping Jackson’s face in his hands.

“Where? Where does it hurt?” 

Jackson doesn’t know where exactly. Just that it hurts.

Jackson leans forward and rests his forehead in Jinyoung’s shoulder, burying his face so his friend doesn’t see the real truth in his eyes.

“Jinyoung-ah… It hurts.”

Arms circle around him and Jackson is pulled into a warm embrace. Jinyoung hugs him tight for a moment before pulling back to look at him.

“I’ll take you home, okay.” Jinyoung promises. “I’ll make you and Mark hyung some tea. I still have some headache medicine left. Take one and let’s see if it still hurts, okay?”

Jackson nods. Tea. Headache medicine. That should be good enough for a broken heart, shouldn’t it?

Jinyoung links their fingers together as they walk hand in hand. Jackson lets him lead the way home because he doesn’t think he can head back all by himself.

The man he loves is in love with someone else.

Really, how much more can Jackson take?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- as far as my korean knowledge goes, 아파 means "hurt" but the song title on GOT7's album translates to "sick". Eitherway, this is how Mark and Jackson feels.


	11. Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :(

It was because Jackson couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Or maybe it was Mark's fault too. Or Jaebum’s.

But in all honesty, it was probably everything piling up; Mark still keeping mum on how he feels for Jinyoung, while Jackson stays on the sidelines as Mark continues to love a person who'll never love him back. 

Everything was piling up into one huge fight that it finally blew up when Mark heard news of Jinyoung unable to attend a schedule because Jaebum fed on him last night and was too unwell to attend - unwell being an understatement.

Months ago, that shouldn't have come as a surprise. They all knew what the repercussions were when Jaebum feeds on Jinyoung. But Jaebum hasn't turned in so long and everyone thought he had control over his inhuman side. And he did. Jaebum did for awhile. But with Jinyoung away from Jaebum for weeks to film his new drama, Jaebum had no one to feed on and the control he had on the monster inside of him broke free.

Apparently, it's worse this time. Much worse. Jaebum almost choked Jinyoung to death. The monster inside him was so deprived of Jinyoung's blood for a month that it became feral and started feeding on him too much and strangling him. Jaebum managed to control that side of him later, but it was too late. The evidence was right there around Jinyoung's neck for everyone to see and the black and blue around his arms and legs for him to feel.

Of course Jaebum was horrified. Medical attention was brought to Jinyoung at once. They couldn't bring him to the hospital for fear of it getting out to the public so they brought the medics to their dorms. And though Jinyoung was pronounced safe afterwards and recovering in his room, a fight broke out.

Mark had thrown his fist at Jaebum's face, knocking him to the ground. All the members are there. It shocked everyone and all of them were momentarily speechless at Mark's actions. Jaebum didn't fight back. He was too distraught over Jinyoung’s condition and what he did to him to even notice the blow. It wasn't until Mark grabbed Jaebum by the collar, threw another punch at him, that everyone was scrambling to pull them away from each other. Bambam and Youngjae were pulling Mark away from Jaebum while Jackson stepped in between them. Yugyeom is the only one too shocked to move as he stares at all his hyungs.

"I want you out." Mark said, his eyes ablaze with anger at what Jaebum did. He shrugs Youngjae and Bambam’s hold off of him as he starts threatening Jaebum that he'll force him out of the group over this. Youngjae is tugging at Bambam's and Yugyeom's sleeves for them to leave the hyungs alone but they wouldn't budge. Yugyeom is crying quietly at one side, looking at Jaebum with his heart broken because _Hyung, why did you hurt him? Hyung, I thought you cared about him? Hyung, how could you do this to him?_

And Jaebum doesn’t care if his lip is bleeding or his face is throbbing from Mark’s fist. He’s looking at his family’s angry and disappointed faces at him and all the while thinking about Jinyoung in the next room still unconscious. Jaebum thinks how he should really leave. Now. Because the next time this happens, he might lose Jinyoung and everyone he loves for good.

"If you're not out of the group by tomorrow, I'll make sure you will." Mark says through his teeth.

"Hyung, do you even hear yourself? That wasn’t him back there.” Jackson tells Mark.

"No, he's right. I.. I should..." Jaebum says, voice trembling at the thought of leaving all of them. He doesn't want to. But he's becoming dangerous and he can't risk hurting all of them anymore.

"What?" Youngjae drops the hold he has on Bambam. "Hyung, you can't!"

Jaebum finds he can’t look at Youngjae straight in the eyes. "Mark is right. I have to go."

"No." Youngjae shakes his head in denial. "You said you can control it-"

"Well, he hasn't." Mark interrupts. "And who knows what he's going to do next."

Youngjae glances between Mark and Jaebum in panic. "Hyung, Jinyoung hyung's alright. The doctor said he'll be fine-"

"Youngjae, it's okay. I'll leave." Jaebum says.

"No!"

"Youngjae, let him leave." Mark raises his voice and Youngjae looks at him in disbelief.

"Hyung, that's unfair!"

"Would you like to join him then?"

"Hey,” Jackson glares at Mark. "Leave Youngjae out of this."

"If Jaebum hyung's leaving then I'm leaving too!" Youngjae exclaims.

Behind them, Yugyeom is sniffling in Bambam's hold and they can all hear him asking everyone to stop.

"Youngjae, sit down." Jaebum growls. "No one is leaving except me."

"That's right. Because you're a danger to everyone around you." Mark spits out, stepping towards Jaebum again.

"Hyung, stop it.” Jackson can't help but shove him away off of Jaebum this time.

Mark stumbles backwards at that. "What the hell is your problem?!"

"Mine?! What the hell is yours?!"

Jaebum's eyes widen when he sees Jackson stepping towards Mark.

"Jackson-ah. That's enough."

"No." Jackson ignores him as he points a finger at Mark. "This has to stop."

"Stop what?" Mark looks at Jaebum. "He's the one you should be mad at. He's dangerous and a threat-"

"You're the one with the problem!" Jackson yells. "Why can't you just admit you're in love with Jinyoung instead of making this all about Jaebum hyung?!"

A silence so still, so quiet, so _cold_ fills the living room. No one can't seem to speak at the moment. It's as if any movement can tip anyone off. Yugyeom has stopped crying and is looking at Mark all stunned with tear tracks on his face. Bambam and Youngjae is sporting the same look too.

Jaebum looks like he's in a cross between being punched a third time in the gut and realizing it all makes sense. All those fights. All the times Mark yelled at him. It's the sudden realization that his friend is in love with Jinyoung.

Mark looks out of it. He always believed he could keep this secret with him to his grave. He's not even sure how Jackson knows. He never told anyone. And he can even deny it, tell everyone Jackson's insane and doesn't know what he's talking about. But the moment to deny it had passed and now everyone knows.

As for Jackson, he wishes he can take everything back. He hadn't meant to say it out loud. He had been caught in the moment. Mark was threatening Jaebum and Jaebum was taking it seriously and looked like he really was going to leave. And Jackson couldn't let him. They were a family. And the longer he stood there without doing anything seemed like his family was breaking apart. He was only trying to help. And now it seems like he only made everything worse.

And as if that wasn't enough, apparently, Jinyoung had been standing there the whole time and heard everything.

"Jinyoung hyung," Bambam breathes out loud and they all turn to Jinyoung who's staring at Mark. He had woken up from all the yelling and when he heard Jaebum was going to leave, he dragged his aching body out of bed to stop him.

But then Mark’s words made him stop in his tracks and Jinyoung could only stand there in silence looking at him.

Mark isn't looking at him though. Mark is too busy trying to process the train wreck that just happened in a span of a few seconds.

"Hyung..." Jackson finally manages to say. He's sorry. He's _so_ sorry. He really didn't mean to blurt that out.

"Hyung," Jackson says a little louder this time. "Hyung, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

Mark only turns around and leaves the dorm. Jackson goes after him but Jaebum holds him back. 

"Leave him be." Jaebum says. "I don't think he wants to see any of us."

Jackson looks at the door, his heart heavy with guilt all because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

 

 

 

It's midnight and Jaebum can't sleep.

It's for a lot of different reasons. One, he's still tormented over Jinyoung's condition and how he hurt him. He's never going to stay in a room with him alone. He almost killed him. He got so close. He’s a danger to him now and Jaebum can’t seem to forgive himself after what he did.

Second, he can’t look at the rest without feeling ashamed of himself. He’s lost the trust he built with his friends. Youngjae won’t speak to him. Bambam will only answer him when asked something but he hasn’t struck up a conversation with him after Mark left. Jackson’s too busy on the phone trying to get Mark to pick up and he’s pacing outside the hallway waiting for him. Yugyeom is in Jinyoung’s room, looking after him while Jinyoung’s fast asleep from his medication but Jaebum knows he won’t leave him alone, not with anyone, not with Jaebum, after what just happened to him.

Third, someone else is in love with Jinyoung. Someone he knows. Someone he considers his best friend. His hyung. He should’ve read the signs. He should’ve known. Jaebum doesn’t even feel betrayed at all, if anything else, he feels… _relieved_. It’s a confusing feeling at the moment. It’s like everything he always wondered about was suddenly making sense. Why Mark always yelled at him. Why Mark was always too concerned about him. Mark loves Jinyoung. And it's this sudden realization that has him thinking that if he was in Mark's place he'd have fought for Jinyoung's safety from a monster like himself too.

Jaebum can’t sleep. He knows he’ll never be able to sleep after this.

He gets up from his bed and walks over to Jinyoung’s room. He doesn’t enter though and he stares at his hand hovering over the door knob. He wants to see him. He wants to see how he’s doing. But then the marks around Jinyoung’s neck, the bruises on his skin, the sound of his voice still hoarse from how Jaebum almost broke his neck keeps him from seeing him. It’s like his nightmares of ever hurting Jinyoung is staring back at him in the face whenever he so much as glance at him.

Jaebum heads to the living room instead to just sit at the couch when he sees Jackson by the shoe rack, putting on a pair of shoes and grabbing his jacket.

“Jackson?” Jaebum calls out. “Where are you going?”

“Out.” Jackson doesn’t look up at him as he fumbles on the buttons of his jacket “Mark hyung’s still not back.”

I’m sure he’s still not ready to come home after what just happened-” Jackson turns to look at him then and Jaebum is startled to see a look of panic on his face.

“It’s not that, hyung. It’s- I checked the time. We set that curfew in the first place because- He’s alone. He’s not picking up his phone. What if-”

Jaebum is on it before Jackson can continue. He starts slipping his shoes on so fast and grabbing his jacket.

“Hyung?”

Jaebum looks at Jackson. “You stay here. You wait for him here. I’ll go look for him.”

“No. I’m coming with you.” Jackson presses but Jaebum gives him a stern look.

“I can’t have you come with me. It’s risky to be out this late. I’ll call you when I find him, alright?”

Jackson doesn’t look like he’ll agree. Jaebum places his hands on his shoulder and softens the tone of his voice for him.

“I’ll find him and bring him home. Safe. But it’ll take me longer to find him if you come with me. I’d be looking out for you too and that’ll slow me down. So let me find him myself, okay?”

Jackson finally nods.

“Hyung?”

Jaebum slips his jacket on. “Yeah?”

“Don’t… Don’t hurt him.” Jackson says. This has Jaebum’s heart clench at that.

Was he that monstrous that Jackson would think he’d hurt Mark?

Yes. Jaebum realizes that yes, he is a monster.

“I won’t.” Jaebum answers. “I’ll call you when I find him.”

Jaebum rushes out of there and heads for the elevators. He checks the time and curses when he sees it really is late. There isn’t a certain schedule when attacks usually happen. But it’s always well into the night where not much activity is going on in the city.

Jaebum heads to the company first. Mark usually hangs out at the company’s recreational room. But no one’s there at the moment and he rushes back out to check the convenience stores nearby. When he isn’t there, Jaebum starts heading to all the restaurants they usually frequent, checking to see if Mark is in there. But most of them were closed by the time Jaebum arrives.

He ends up at the park. He knew this was the place Mark and Youngjae liked taking Coco for walks. He’s praying silently that he’d be here since this is the last place he knows of. He wouldn’t know where to find him next.

Finally, Jaebum spots him. He sees the sweater he wore while he ran off earlier. He’s lying in the middle of the field, the one where Jaebum recognizes where they had a picnic for one of their shows once. Jaebum calls Jackson as promised when he’s sure it’s him.

“I found him. He’s fine.” Jaebum says. He can hear Jackson breathe a sigh of relief.

“I’ll wait up for the both of you. Be careful out there

“We will.”

Jaebum walks over to Mark who’s sitting up now. He spotted Jaebum and the look of contempt is already on his face.

“What makes you think I’d want to talk to you?” Mark says the moment Jaebum is within earshot. Jaebum doesn’t reply to that. He’s aware he’s the last person Mark wants to see.

He’s safe and Jaebum thanks the heavens for keeping Mark safe. No one’s around by now. And even though the events that happened earlier is still fresh on his mind, the only thing that’s keeping him sane is that Mark’s safe.

“Can I sit?” Jaebum asks. Mark doesn’t answer him. He only hugs his legs to his chest and looks away. Jaebum takes this as a sign that it’s okay and sits beside him.

Mark has always been his only hyung. Of course he has others from the company. His 2pm hyungs. His friends from school. His friends back home. But Mark is a different kind of hyung. He’s his only hyung in the group.

And that mattered a lot to him. To have to fight with him all the time tore him apart. He loves Mark like a brother and fighting with him always left that awful feeling at the back of his throat. 

But he doesn’t have to anymore.

He’s done fighting with his only hyung.

“I’m glad it’s you.” Jaebum starts. Mark looks at him for a moment before looking away again.

“That out of anyone out there, you’re the one that fell in love with him. You’re the one that loves him this much.” Jaebum continues. He’s thinking of Jinyoung right now. He’s thinking of the marks around his neck and the bruises all over his body. Mark would never hurt him like that.

“I can’t even deny that anymore, can I?” Mark says to him.

Jaebum looks at him. “Would you even deny it?”

“No.” Mark answers. “I do love Jinyoung.”

Jaebum’s heart hurts at that but somehow, he’s relieved to hear that coming from him.

“I’m glad then.”

Jaebum lowers his gaze to the ground. There’s still a way for him to fix things. And he wants to fix it. He can still save what’s left of his family. He can still save Jinyoung from himself.

“I’m offering a truce.” Jaebum speaks up. This has Mark look at him then. “Let’s stop it, hyung.”

Mark looks surprised at that and Jaebum gives him a small smile.

“You were right. I’ve hurt Jinyoung so many times by now. It’s not right anymore. It wasn’t right in the first place.” Jaebum swallows hard. “You don’t hurt someone you love. There’s no excuse for it. And I’ve given so many excuses over the past. I shouldn’t have.”

Jaebum takes a deep breath before he continues. “A truce. In return, I’ll leave.”

Mark has his full attention on him now. He’s looking at Jaebum in disbelief.

“Let’s not fight anymore.” Jaebum smiles through the pain in his chest. “I don’t want to fight you. I never wanted that. But I was always in denial. I always thought I had everyone’s best interest at heart, especially Jinyoung’s. But I was wrong.”

Jaebum breathes. “Let’s not fight for the sake of the younger ones. I don’t want them to see that side of us anymore.” He continues, thinking of everyone’s disappointed faces earlier. “I’ll leave. When Jinyoung’s fully recovered.”

He’ll make sure he’ll recover. Because Jaebum can’t leave him yet when the last image he has of him is red, black and blue. He wants to be assured he’s fine and well before Jaebum completely leaves him.

“But I have a favor to ask of you.” Jaebum adds. Mark is still silent and Jaebum goes ahead and continues.

“Love him like this. Exactly like this.” His lungs close in on him then and Jaebum blinks away the tears in his eyes. “When someone hurts him, you hit him. You hit him until he bleeds.” Jaebum licks the cut on his lip where Mark punched him earlier. It still stings, but not as much as his heart breaking into two. “Fight for him, the way you always yelled at me and threatened me. Make sure no one hurts him. Make sure he doesn’t feel any pain. Love him just like this. Just like how you love him now.”

“Jaebum…” Mark says and Jaebum has to look away because he can’t have Mark see how much it hurts to give Jinyoung away now.

“Would you do that for me, hyung?” Jaebum fights back the tears threatening to escape his eyes. “I won’t be able to take it if it was some other guy. But it’s you. And you love him. I can see that. I trust you won’t hurt him like I did.”

Jinyoung will be okay. Mark will be there. Mark will love him better than he has. The rest of the members will be there too. Mark will be a great leader. They’ll be able to take care of themselves better off without him.

“Love him like this, hyung. Because he deserves a guy who loves him like you do and not someone who keeps on hurting him like I have.”

Jaebum tries to breathe. Everything’s going to be okay. He knows it will.

“A truce…” Mark says and when Jaebum is sure his tears will no longer consume him, he turns to Mark and nods.

“A truce.” He promises.

For the sake of keeping his members whole. For the sake of keeping Jinyoung safe. For the sake of putting this fight with his Mark hyung to an end.

This truce is all he has to give and Jaebum knows everything will be alright in the end.


	12. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung doesn't know how to fix things.

Jinyoung wakes up and the first thing that fills his mind is Jaebum.

Jinyoung doesn’t know how long he was out. He feels like he’s still floating. His memories are a bit hazy. The last thing he remembers are the yelling and then Jaebum saying he’ll leave. That had made Jinyoung get up despite the ache in his body. He knows Jaebum is being an idiot again, thinking about leaving. But he knows this time it’s different and Jinyoung is scared he’d really take it seriously.

And then there was something else. Something Jackson said. Something that made Jinyoung stop by the doorway just to take that in.

Though the thought nags at him, Jinyoung pushes that away for now. He’s not ready to deal with it at the moment.

He sits, ignoring the ache in his bones and around his neck so he can get up and look for Jaebum. They never gave him a chance to talk to him. The medication he was taking was making him all groggy that Bambam and Youngjae ushered him back to his room just after Mark left.

He was waiting for Jaebum to come visit him. He never did.

Someone is snoring by his side. It’s Yugyeom. Jinyoung looks over at him sleeping and pulls the covers up to his shoulder. He’d wake him up and ask where Jaebum was if he didn’t look so tired. Jinyoung saw him crying last night. He sighs, wishing he and Bambam hadn’t seen all that. 

Jinyoung leaves him sleeping for now knowing that he needs it.

He moves to get off the bed, wincing at the pain shooting up his back. He stops, just to gather himself. He then limps to the door and down to Jaebum’s room. It’s empty. The bed doesn’t look like it’s been slept in. 

Youngjae isn’t there either, which is a surprise since he sleeps in a lot. Jinyoung notes his mp3 player isn’t attached to the wireless speakers he usually uses. He could be at the gym running.

The whole dorm is quiet. Jinyoung peeks inside the younger ones’ room to find Bambam sleeping as well. Next door, he finds Jackson’s room empty. He probably left for a schedule.

Sighing, Jinyoung heads to the kitchen to just eat and wait for the rest to come home. But he stops in his tracks when he sees Mark in the living room with a cup of coffee in his hands.

Mark. His Mark hyung. His hyung and best friend for 6 years. His hyung who apparently has feelings for him. Jinyoung hadn’t wanted to deal with that at the moment. But here it is, greeting him this early in the morning. 

To be honest, he would’ve never noticed anything if it wasn’t for Jackson yelling that out loud. Jinyoung feels stupid for not even knowing anything about it. He should’ve read the atmosphere all the time between the two of them. Because now, Jinyoung feels like he’s hurting a lot of people and it sucks because that was never his intention.

Mark looks up from his coffee and looks at Jinyoung like a deer caught in headlights. He instantly lowers his gaze to his cup and sits there all stiff and rigid.

This is ridiculous, Jinyoung thinks. He and Mark were never awkward with each other. But after last night, everything feels like it changed. In just a span of a few hours, things feel strained between the two of them. He doesn’t want to be awkward around him. He and Mark have been friends for so long that Jinyoung is determined to keep it.

“Good morning, hyung.” Jinyoung greets. “Have you eaten?”

Mark looks surprised that Jinyoung would talk to him. He nods, still looking at his coffee.

“Is there still some left in the pot?” Jinyoung asks.

Mark just simply nods again, ignoring his gaze. 

“Do you want another cup?”

Mark shakes his head. This has Jinyoung sigh.

“Are things going to be like this between us now?” He asks. “Are you never going to talk to me again?”

This has Mark finally look at him. 

“I don’t really know what to say and how to talk to you right now.” He says. Jinyoung thinks that’s fair enough. He appreciates his honesty.

“Well,” Jinyoung scratches behind his ear. “Talk to me like how you usually do.” 

Mark blinks at him at that, like it’s been so long since they last talked to each other and he’s forgotten how. 

“You say, _Jinyoung-ah, I’m still hungry_.” Jinyoung mimics. “And I’ll say, _Alright, hyung. Let’s go get ramen downstairs_. And then you say _Yes, my treat, of course_.”

Mark breaks out into a soft chuckle at that, hiding his amused face as he looks down. Jinyoung smiles at the sight of him finally relaxing. 

“I am hungry.” Jinyoung admits.

Mark looks up at him and nods. “Alright.”

“Let me just go get my shoes on.” Jinyoung heads to the shoe rack to pick up his shoes. He bends down but his breath catches in his throat at the sharp pain shooting down his back.

Jinyoung feels tears prickling at the corner of his eyes at that. He bites down hard on his bottom lip so Mark doesn’t hear him seethe. He underestimated his injuries and thought it wouldn’t hurt as much in the morning.

“Jinyoung? Are you alright?”

Jinyoung straightens himself and shoots Mark a smile. “I’m fine. Just got surprised. Coco left me gifts on my shoes again.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Mark apologizes. “Let me clean that up.”

Jinyoung waves him off. “Later, later.” Jinyoung opts for his sandals than his shoes instead so he can just slip them on instead of bending down again to lace them up. He grabs his coat off the door and motions for Mark to join him. “Come on.”

There’s a convenience store they frequent downstairs. There aren’t fans this early in the morning yet so Jinyoung doesn’t put his hood up. Mark does though but Jinyoung wonders if it’s for the fans or is it because he doesn’t want to show his face to him.

Either way, Jinyoung ignores it. He goes about the convenience store, getting a bottle of energy drink and a cup of ramen. Mark is by the counter, waiting to pay as promised.

“Junk again?” Mark gives a small tsk. “What kind of diet are you and Jackson even on?”

Jinyoung shoves him at that comment. Mark laughs.

They eat outside where it’s still cold and the piping hot ramen feels good on his throat. Mark is having a bowl too and Jinyoung is glad he said yes to coming downstairs with him because Jinyoung would never forgive himself if things between them got all awkward because of last night.

6 years. They’ve been friends for six years and Jinyoung would’ve never thought this would happen. He wonders if he ever led him on and if this was all his fault.

Maybe he did. All those times he used to hold his hand. All those times he brought him food and took care of him while he was sick. Those late night talks and movie dates. Drinking by the park. Just hanging out with him. 

Jinyoung feels like an idiot. This is no one’s fault but his.

“Thank you.” Jinyoung says just when Mark finishes his ramen. Mark places his chopsticks down and smiles.

“It’s nothing, Jinyoung-ah. It’s just ramen.”

“No I meant-” Jinyoung looks at him apologetically. “For everything. What you’ve always done for me. For being my hyung and all.”

Jinyoung is glad to see the realization of what this conversation is all about show on Mark’s face. Jinyoung knows he has to set the record straight this early. He doesn’t want to hurt him any longer.

“But hyung, I can’t be that person for you.”

Jinyoung looks at Mark and he’s so _so sorry_ for hurting him this way. He can’t let this go on any further and not make things clear between the two of them. He’s aware he’ll probably lose Mark for good after today. But this is the only way he can think of saving what’s left of their friendship: sparing him from even more heartache by telling him the truth.

“I love Jaebum hyung.” Jinyoung says. “I love you too. But it’s not the same.” Jinyoung finds he can’t look at Mark now and stares at his half eaten ramen. “And if I’ve ever led you on, I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to do so.”

Jinyoung takes a deep breath. 

“Hyung, I don’t want to hurt anyone. Especially you. And I’m so so sorry.” Jinyoung wishes there was another way to say this.

His body aches. But not as much as his heart. He loves Mark so much. But it’s not the same way. He loves Mark like he loves Jackson, Youngjae, Bambam and Yugyeom.

He loves him like family.

A hand tips his chin up and Jinyoung sees Mark smiling softly at him.

“Jinyoung-ah, I know you don’t see me the way I see you.” He starts. “And that’s okay. It really is.”

Mark then drops his hand from his face.

“But don’t tell me to stop. I love you. And that hasn’t changed just because you told me you don’t feel the same way.”

Jinyoung doesn’t understand what Mark sees in him then. Mark deserves better. And Jinyoung knows he could never be the right person for him.

Someone is, though. Jinyoung knows there’s someone out there who loves Mark. And Mark deserves someone who will love him the way he loves Jinyoung.

“For the record, you’ve never led me on.” Mark says. Jinyoung is sort of relieved to hear that. But still, things are going to change between them and he hates that there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

“How are we going to go about this then?” Jinyoung asks.

“I don’t know.” Mark replies. “But I’m never giving up, Jinyoung-ah. And I’m not being stubborn about it either. I can't just get rid of all these feelings in a snap.”

Jinyoung looks sadly at him. “Would you try then?”

“No.” Mark answers and Jinyoung’s heart sinks at that. “I won’t.”

Jinyoung nods. He understands. 

“Hyung, I’m sorry.”

Mark nods back.

“I know, Jinyoung-ah… I know.”

Jinyoung doesn’t know then who sounds sadder between the two of them.

 

 

 

The dorm is quiet. Everyone is out to attend a schedule. Except for Jinyoung. He’s stuck at home still recovering.

Jinyoung sits in the middle of the living room in a daze. He feels out of it. He wonders when everything just felt so complicated.

He’s too busy drowning in his thoughts that he hadn’t realized Jackson came in and joined him on the couch when he hasn’t responded to him.

“I’m okay.” Jinyoung says to him although he can’t remember if Jackson ever asked in the first place. It was just an automatic response. He’s been asked that a lot and it’s easier to say he’s okay than to explain why he’s not.

“I asked how long you’ve been sitting here. You’re staring into nothing. Don’t tell me you’re okay.” Jackson says.

How long has he been sitting there? Jinyoung doesn’t know. All he knows is that he’s been thinking of Mark and Jaebum. He’s been thinking of the two people closest to him and how broken everything is right now. It’s so broken that everything just feels too complicated to fix. _If_ it can even be fixed.

“I’m hurting a lot of people aren’t, I?” Jinyoung asks under his breath. Jackson makes a face at that.

“Yah Jinyoung-ah, don’t think like that.”

Jinyoung looks at Jackson then. He sees an old friend looking so concerned for him and Jinyoung thinks he doesn’t deserve him either.

“I’m hurting you too, aren’t I?” Jinyoung asks.

“What? Jinyoung you’ve never done anything to me.” Jackson looks appalled that Jinyoung would even think that. But it’s true. He’s not only hurting Jaebum and Mark. He’s hurting Jackson too.

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung says and the tone of his voice, cracking around the edges, must’ve scared Jackson for he throws his arms around him.

“Hey, hey, I’m okay, Jinyoung.”

“I’m sorry, Jackson-ah.” Jinyoung clutches at his friend tight. He doesn’t want to lose him and he certainly doesn’t want to lose Mark and Jaebum.

But Jinyoung doesn’t know what else is left to fix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i don't usually see Jinyoung as someone weak. but i just wanted him to have this moment of weakness because this isn't just about his and jaebum's relationship anymore. he really treasures his friendship with all of them and with what is going on, he's just really thinking of all the ways how to fix things.
> 
> \- that and because i love marknyoung and jinson
> 
> \- ah fuck it i love all their relationships/friendships


	13. Countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Youngjae mentioned in this chapter is not Choi Youngjae but BAP's Youngjae.

Jaebum grits his teeth in frustration. Something is rumbling down his chest and he’s trying his hardest not to let whatever that is out of him.

He can’t breathe properly and his hands are sweating. There’s an ache in his gums and a tightening sensation in his stomach at the thought of feeding. Jaebum shakes it away, trying to control the thirst. But it’s still there, forever hungry and always betraying him.

He’s at the park and it’s late so it’s safe to roam around freely since no one’s here. Jaebum’s waiting for someone. He’s relieved to find him jogging into sight when his eyes sweep the grounds for a third time since he got here. He nods at Youngjae as he sees him crossing the field to get to him. It’s way into the night and he’s aware BAP have their own schedules tomorrow and shouldn’t be out. But Jaebum is a little desperate and he has no one else to ask for a favor except him.

“Sorry I’m late,” Youngjae pants as he arrives. He takes a deep breath and rummages around his bag for something. “Daehyun still wanted to do a retake of the recording.”

Jaebum shakes his head. “No, no. It’s okay. I was the one who needed something.”

Youngjae hands him three blood bags and though Jaebum would’ve liked for himself to act composed and humane, he can’t help but sink his teeth into one of them. He feels the monster in him calm down at the taste of it. Jaebum sighs, drinking as much as he can just so to satisfy that need that’s been driving him crazy. Every random civilian smelled so good to him recently. Even Youngjae had smelled irresistible a few seconds ago. But he no longer thirsts for them as Jaebum slowly has his fill.

A hand rubs up and down his back as he drains the blood bag.

“Hey, take it slow. I can get you more of these so don’t worry.”

Jaebum licks his lips when he’s done and then waits. Nothing is rumbling inside him. Nothing is trying to break out of his bones to get to the surface and hurt someone. He’s safe.

For now. Until the monster within him breaks free again.

“Thank you.” Jaebum breathes, looking at Youngjae who’s giving him a concerned gaze in return. “Sorry.”

“Was it bad this time?”

No. Jaebum thinks. He’s had worse.

Jaebum shakes his head. “Just… I didn’t want to keep it waiting.”

Youngjae sighs. 

“Geez, Jaebum-ah. If Jinyoung finds out about this…”

Jaebum doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about Jinyoung ever finding out about what he’s doing, drinking other people’s blood to feed himself. He has to. Eversince that day, he couldn’t get close to Jinyoung again. He’d make sure to go home late and leave the dorms early. He doesn’t carry his phone with him anymore but relies on his manager to know where to find him. For group activities, he makes sure to get ready at the last minute possible so Jinyoung doesn’t have the chance to talk to him. And during photoshoots, he stands as far away from him as he can. 

He’s being an asshole, avoiding Jinyoung like this. But this is better than having him almost die in his hands again.

“He won’t. If you won’t tell.” Jaebum replies. Youngjae only makes a face at him.

“Yah, you think he won’t notice? He’s your donor.” Youngjae didn’t have to point that out. “Everytime you feed on someone else aside from him, you lose the connection you built with him ever since you turned. Don’t you think that’s going to feel a little strange for him when he finds out he can no longer sense you?”

Jaebum knows that too. He hopes he loses that connection. When he leaves, he doesn’t want Jinyoung to feel anything from him anymore.

“Please tell your hyung thanks,” Jaebum motions at the blood bags. He’s changing the subject and he’s glad Youngjae doesn’t push it. “I hope he doesn’t get in trouble for it at the clinic.”

Youngjae shakes his head. “Nah, he’ll find a way to cover for us. He told me to make sure you get your fill. He’s really worried about you.”

Jaebum wishes Youngjae hadn’t told his brother. He works at a clinic and they had to make ends meet if Youngjae were to ask for a couple of blood bags every now and then. Youngjae’s hyung had to know the truth before he did anything risky. When he knew Jaebum needed them, he immediately helped since he knew the existence of his condition, something Jaebum is grateful for.

“I’ll have another supply for you in three weeks. Will that be good then?”

Three weeks is fine. In fact, he just needs to feed once every two weeks when he’s had his fill.

“I’ll give you an address where you can send it to.” Jaebum says. They’re both starting to make their way back to the main road.

“Why? I know where your dorm is.”

“I won’t be at the dorm by then.”

“Fanmeeting tour?”

Jaebum bites his bottom lip before answering.

“’m not going to be staying at the dorm.” Jaebum pauses. “I’m dropping out.”

Youngjae stops in his tracks at that. Jaebum doesn’t even have to look at his friend to know he has his mouth hanging open.

“What?!” His friend exclaims. “Are you being serious right now?”

Jaebum stops, takes a deep breath and turns to look at Youngjae. He was right. His friend is looking at him in disbelief.

“Yes. I’m leaving.”

Youngjae looks around the empty field, probably finding the right words to say.

“Is it because of _that_?” Youngjae motions to him but Jaebum knows what he’s actually pointing at. He nods.

“Oh come on, Jaebum. You were never one to quit. You can control it! A lot of groups out there have made it just fine. Eric sunbaenim has had the condition since Shinhwa started and they’re still out there-”

“I almost killed Jinyoung.”

Even saying it out loud sends his stomach turning, making him want to throw up. The remnants of blood on his lips doesn’t taste so good anymore. He’s so full. He’s had his fill of blood and guilt and shame and he wants to throw up.

“Geez Jaebum…” Youngjae comes up to him and hugs him tight. Jaebum sags in his hold for a moment, basking in the affection.

He craves for human touch. Not sex. Not that. He craves for Mark’s pats on the backs and Jackson throwing an arm around him. He misses Bambam leaning his head on his shoulder and Yugyeom playing with his hands. He misses Youngjae’s slaps as he laughs his heart out loud.

He misses Jinyoung cupping his face and just planting a kiss on his forehead.

Jaebum breathes in relief, appreciating Youngjae’s embrace.

Youngjae pulls back to look at him after that.

“I know you. And I know you would never hurt someone on purpose. Especially Jinyoung.”

Jaebum gives a sad smile. “But I did.”

Youngjae takes one good look at him and sighs.

“I also know you. And I know that you already look dead set on it and nothing can change your mind.”

Jaebum nods. “I leave when he gets better.”

“Does he know?”

Jaebum shakes his head.

“Who else knows?”

“Mark.”

“Mark?” Youngjae asks in surprise. “Haven’t you two been fighting a lot?”

“Not anymore.” Jaebum answers, remembering the truce they made.

Youngjae sighs again as they make their way to the nearest bus stop. Jaebum doubts there’s still one last ride. But they both wait anyway.

“You know my number, right?” He asks. Jaebum smirks at that.

“You think I can forget that easily?”

“Yah,” Youngjae smacks him lightly on the chest. “Call me if you need anything. Blood bags. A place to crash. Anything, you hear me?”

Jaebum doesn’t say yes to that.

“Hey,” Youngjae reprimands. “I’ll never forgive you if you disappear off the face of the earth without you keeping contact with me. I’ll hold the longest grudge ever.”

Jaebum finds himself laughing at that. “Alright. But I’m not telling you where I’ll be. The address I’ll send will change every week.”

“Yeah, don’t tell me. I don’t want to have to lie to Jinyoung when he asks.”

Jaebum thinks of Jinyoung again, lying there gasping and his eyes motionless.

“You know he’ll find you, right?” Youngjae says just when a bus rounds a corner. Youngjae’s bus route. “Jinyoung’s stubborn. He’ll never stop finding you, Jaebum-ah.”

Jaebum knows that. God does he know that very well.

“I’ve learned how to be good at hiding.” Jaebum says. 

Youngjae only shakes his head at that and boards the bus, leaving Jaebum all alone waiting for another bus he’s not sure is going to come again.

 

 

 

Jaebum turns his keys quietly, making sure no one’s going to wake up from the sound of him entering. He’s exhausted. He’ll just hit the couch and sleep before waking up at the crack of dawn to get out of here. 

Jaebum sheds his coat and shoes off and hits the lights by the kitchen so he can see. And when he does so, something glints on the corner of his eyes.

Jaebum slowly heads towards the object to see what it is. It smells good. It’s actually making his stomach rumble a bit even if he’s not that hungry. 

Jaebum steps closer and stops when he sees what it is. It’s a glass. It’s a glass filled with blood. He doesn’t have to taste it to know it’s Jinyoung’s.

_What the fuck does he think he’s doing_ , Jaebum thinks as he slams his keys down in anger, the hunger already dying down from his emotions. Jinyoung left it there for him. He knows he set it right where he might see it. And it’s not the sight of it that angers him. It’s the fact that Jinyoung has been extracting his own blood and draining himself, something Jaebum always told him never to do. What if he does the procedure all wrong? What if he passes out? Jaebum has been trying his best to keep him alive but what Jinyoung just did was making this all seem worthless. 

“Hyung?”

Jaebum turns to find Jinyoung standing there, rubbing sleep off his eyes. Jaebum raises the glass at him and opens his mouth to yell when Jinyoung surges forward so fast and slams into him, wrapping his arms around him. 

Jaebum staggers from both of their weight and he holds him back with his free hand so they don’t fall.

“Jinyoung-ah,”

“Go ahead. Yell at me all you want. I don’t care.” Jinyoung says, voice muffled against his shirt where his face is pressed. “I’m just glad I finally caught you.”

Jaebum wants to hold him tighter. He wants to cry and tell him how much he misses him. The smell of Jinyoung’s shampoo is making him weak. His arms wrapped tightly around him makes him want to stay. The sound of his voice makes Jaebum want to succumb to him, tell him what he plans on doing and to ask him to hold him back, tell him he’s everything to him, that he loves him and that he forgives him.

But he can’t. Because he feels the monster inside of him preen at the close proximity of his donor and Jaebum hates himself so much for it.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum swallows the thick emotions of his voice threatening to make its way to the surface. “It’s late. Go back to bed.”

“Is that all you can say to me?” He says, still not letting go of him. “I haven’t seen you in _days_.”

Jaebum closes his eyes and breathes. He missed him so so much. 

“I know you miss me. At first I couldn’t tell. But now that you’re close, I know you do.” Jinyoung finally pulls back, but just enough to look at him. His arms are still tight around him, trapping Jaebum from leaving. 

“You’re not hungry. Why?”

Jaebum feels the guilt creep up to him then.

“Jinyoung, I-”

“No, don’t answer that. We don’t have to talk about it now. Just come to bed with me. I can tell you’re tired.”

Jaebum has no other choice but to follow Jinyoung who’s dragging him along. He can’t even say anything. He’s stuck between wanting to follow Jinyoung to bed and holding himself back because, hadn’t he promised he wouldn’t be in the same room as him anymore?

But he missed him. And Jaebum lies there stiffly in his bed, eyes wide open and fighting sleep as Jinyoung throws an arm around his stomach and snuggles up beside him.

“Sleep, hyung.” Jinyoung yawns. Jaebum wishes he could.

“I’ll try.”

Jinyoung hums. He feels so comfortable. He feels like home. And Jaebum never wants to leave him.

But he has to.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung mumbles sleepily.

“Yes, Jinyoung-ah…”

“My bruises are gone.” Jaebum can hear the pleased smile in his voice. “In three days, I won’t have to hide it with makeup anymore.”

Jaebum swallows hard at that.

“I’m glad then.”

“I know you would be. You worry about me too much.”

Jaebum looks down at the top of his head at that.

_I love you. Of course I worry about you._

“Hyung?”

“Yes, Jiyoung-ah.”

“Go to sleep. You’re anxious. I can’t sleep when you’re anxious.”

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung-ah. I’ll try to relax.”

Jaebum doesn’t stop feeling anxious though. But he’s glad the day’s events have taken a toll on Jinyoung for Jaebum can hear him lightly snoring after a few minutes.

Jaebum slowly gets up when he’s sure Jinyoung is deep in sleep. Jaebum looks fondly at him. He’ll miss him when he leaves. He tucks him in, makes sure he doesn’t feel cold and takes one last look at him before he leaves his room.

Jaebum heads to the living room and sees Mark up and pouring a glass of water for himself.

“Three days.” Jaebum says to him. Mark raises his eyes at him in confusion. “Three days. I’ll leave in three days.”

Mark lowers his glass at that. “Jaebum-ah…”

“I’ll leave the necessary documents with you tomorrow. You’ll pass it to the managers for me, will you?”

Mark doesn’t answer him.

“Just make sure Jinyoung doesn’t come find me.” Jaebum says, getting to the doorway and putting on his shoes and jacket again. He can’t stay here any longer. He’ll crash at the company. The floors of the dance studios are familiar to him anyway.

A hand wraps around his bicep, pulling him to a stop before he can leave and Jaebum turns to see Mark. He’s opening his mouth but no words are coming out.

Jaebum waits. A part of him wants his only hyung to tell him to stay. But he knows he’s being shameless. Besides, every minute he stays here, Jaebum is only hurting Mark and Jinyoung longer.

Mark finally closes his mouth and just shakes his head. 

“Thank you.” Jaebum can only say quietly. He then grabs his keys and leaves the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- No, I don't know if BAP Youngjae's older brother works at a clinic. Don't take that as canon.  
> \- DOUBLE UPDATE


	14. If You Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark trusts Jackson and vice versa.

Mark doesn’t realize it yet. But Jackson has always been his special person.

Not in a romantic sense. Not that. But it’s more than just friendship and a familial bond. Mark doesn’t realize it yet. But his relationship with Jackson goes beyond being his best friend and being his brother. Jackson is his special person. Only that Mark doesn’t _understand_ it quite fully yet.

Trust seems to be the basis for such a relationship. And the first time Mark trusted him with his life was when Jackson _pushed_ him.

“It’ll work.” He whispered to him excitedly. Mark was sweating under his shirt from their dance practice but he’s sure his sweating now from being nervous. Bambam was looking at Jackson like he was crazy and Yugyeom was sitting there, probably wondering if all foreigners were like this.

“Jackson, that’s dangerous.” Mark said to him but Jackson only makes a face at that. 

“Hey. I’ll be the one to push you. You’ll be fine. Trust me.”

Trust him. Trust the crazy 19 year old who dropped his scholarship in Stanford to become a singer. What kind of person does something crazy like that?

“Mark, trust me.” Jackson repeated. No _hyung_. No form of respect. But he’s still asking Mark to trust him despite them knowing each other just months ago.

And Mark has no idea why he even said yes. There was something about Jackson then that just made him _want_ to say yes.

“Alright,” Mark nods. “Let’s do it.” 

Yugyeom was shaking his head in disbelief and Bambam was muttering something in Thai under his breath. Mark later learned the word himself. He said they were crazy.

So they did it. In front of all those trainees. In front of two prominent people in the entertainment scene. In front of cameras that would broadcast their crazy rookie stunt to the whole world.

Jackson _pushed_ him.

It was because they had to impress the judges. Mark was always confident of his balance, martial arts and acrobatic skills. Tricking wasn’t that hard. But to have someone intervene was new to him. And Jackson, pushing him across Bambam’s crouched form that day while he was tricking mid-air was the first rush of adrenaline that made him feel alive.

He came to Korea to make a name for himself. But he wasn’t confident in any of his singing or dancing skills. After that day, Jackson made him feel like he can do anything.

All because he trusted him.

And it wasn’t just that instance. There were many instances afterwards.

“Mark can tumble in slow mo!”

“Mark can do a trick for our debut song!”

“Mark can teach me how to do a flip!”

Mark. Mark. Mark. And every single time, Mark thought Jackson was crazy for encouraging such ideas.

“Trust me. You can do it.” Jackson would always tell him. And surprisingly enough, everytime Mark trusted him, it always worked out for the best.

Jackson believed in him so much that it was insane. He didn’t grow up with him. He didn’t know him that well. They have nothing in common. But Jackson had been his special person since day one all because of the amount of trust Mark gave him.

And in turn, Jackson trusted him too.

“I’ll do that thing. Like I’ll literally fall off a cliff as I sing my line.” Jackson said one day while they were meeting with their choreographers and producers for the new song.

“Oh that’s good, that’s good.” One of the choreographers pointed out. 

“And who’s going to catch you?” One producer asks.

“Mark hyung, of course.” Jackson simply answers.

_Hyung_ now. Because Jackson has learned the ways of being formal and informal when he treats elders and seniors. Because he once said Mark is _his_ hyung. Because even if they alternate between Korean or English, Jackson still likes calling him hyung. 

“You weigh heavier than me. I’m weak. I’ll probably catch you at the least minute and you’ll fall.” Mark told him after that meeting, hissing the words out in panic.

“No you won’t. You’ll catch me just fine.”

“But-”

“Hyung, trust me.”

“I do! It’s me I don’t trust!”

“Well I do.” Jackson beamed at him then. “I trust you with my whole life.”

And again, Mark hadn’t realized why that struck him so. Just that it did. Jackson saying he trusted Mark with his life - his _whole_ life - meant more to him than just being his friend and being his hyung.

And so Mark always caught him. There were some few slip ups here and there. But Mark always made sure to catch him. 

Someone asked Jackson then, in an interview, if he was afraid he would fall every time they did that part of the choreography. And Jackson always answered confidently. “No”. He was not afraid. Because he knew his Mark hyung was always there behind him.

Trust. That’s what they both have.

It was also trust when Mark dragged him out for a drink that night. Because he was going to get hammered. Because he realized Jinyoung will never love him back no matter how long he waits. Because he was going to give up on loving Jinyoung then and his heart hurts so maybe alcohol will help.

Mark trusted no one other than Jackson to see that side of him. He was scared of being seen as weak and yet, he knew Jackson wouldn’t judge him. He trusted Jackson wouldn’t think any less of his Mark hyung getting drunk that night all because his heart was broken.

And when they fought, when Jackson yelled at him and shoved him away from Jaebum, Mark was scared. Because Jackson was his. He was always his person. And yet here he was, taking Jaebum’s side. He knew then he was in the wrong. But he couldn’t help it. Jinyoung almost died and why couldn’t anyone understand the gravity of what Jaebum did?

Yet, Mark thanked him. After everything.

“For what?” Jackson had asked.

“Just… if it wasn’t for you, Jinyoung would have never known how I felt and Jaebum and I would still be fighting.”

Jackson just smiled at him.

“I’m glad then.”

Even after everything, Mark still trusts him. He trusts Jackson to reel him back to reality when he thinks he’s drifting. He trusts Jackson to fight him when Mark is in the wrong. He trusts Jackson with his whole life too and that will always amount to something far deeper than love and friendship.

“Do you ever think there’s someone out there for you?” Mark once asked him. “Like Jinyoung has Jaebum and Jaebum has him.”

Jackson, who was always busy with his phone, looked up at him at that.

“Do you think there’s someone out there who loves you?”

“I don’t know about me. But I know someone out there who loves you like that.” Mark had chuckled at Jackson’s reply. Jackson always liked to butter people up.

“I’m serious!” Jackson exclaimed. “Well, not exactly the way Jaebum hyung and Jinyoung love each other. Not everything can be that alike.”

Mark had agreed with him on that. He’s seen Jaebum and Jinyoung through the years. No one can be that comfortable around someone like the two of them have been for a long time. No one has the same dynamic Jaebum and Jinyoung have. No one can move so freely like the other is an extension of someone’s body like those two have. 

“But there is.” Jackson continued, looking at him. “Someone loves you, hyung.” Jackson said and Mark isn’t quite sure why Jackson sounded so confident at that. “Someone loves you, someone who knows you from head to toe. Someone who loves you for your cheesy puns. Someone who’s crazy enough to stick by you through all your loopy times and quiet moments.”

Mark laughed.

“Someone who just simply loves you.” Jackson finished.

“You talk about this person like he exists.” Mark said

“He does.”

And Mark should’ve known by then. He should’ve known who it was. But since he’s oblivious and this is from a person who doesn’t even realize just who exactly is Jackson Wang in his life, he still asks,

“Who?”

“Just someone.” Jackson shrugs, teasing him. Mark had smacked him with a pillow at that as Jackson broke out into a loud laugh.

And because Jackson is his special person and Mark trusts him with his whole life, he believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Markson 4 lyf
> 
> \- also, next update won't be up so soon because I'm so busy with work and the holidays and I'm seeing GOT7 next week so I don't think I'll be calm enough to write. Let's see.


	15. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye

The morning Jaebum leaves is the morning he wakes up to Jackson snoring in his ear.

He jolts wondering just when did Jackson get in after his schedules and why is he drooling and snoring beside him when he has a perfectly good bed in his and Mark’s room.

Jackson later tells him it’s too hot in their room and there were a lot of bugs.

“You can stay in my room.” Jaebum tells him afterwards. That seems to excite Jackson so much. Jaebum’s room has always been cooler and he knows Jackson sneaks naps in his bed when he’s gone. But this time, Jackson doesn’t have to just stay for naps.

“Really?” Jackson makes a noise out of giddiness. “For how long?”

“For as long as you like, Jackson-ah.”

And Jaebum’s heart melts as Jackson jumps around and hugs him. Oh how he’ll miss these arms wrapped around him and his laughter ringing in his ears.

“You’re the best, hyung!”

Jaebum hugs him back tighter, lingers in his hold and basks in Jackson’s warmth. Just because he knows he’ll never get another chance to have this again.

He then heads for breakfast where he sees Yugyeom and Bambam laughing over a piece of pancake that Youngjae made. It’s shaped weirdly. Not at all round. Jaebum overhears Bambam saying it looks like a dick and Yugyeom cackling.

These days, Jaebum always tells Bambam to keep those kinds of jokes down. But this morning, Jaebum finds himself chuckling. Genuinely. The whole thing reminds him that they’re both still kids and that he should loosen up a little.

His chuckle has Bambam and Yugyeom look at him in surprise.

“What?” Jaebum looks at the both of them. “It does look like a dick.”

Bambam and Yugyeom exchange looks and then burst out laughing. Jaebum smiles at the sight of them. No matter how old they are, Jaebum will always thinks of them as kids. _His_ kids.

“Ya, ya.” Youngjae emerges from the kitchen, waving his spatula in the air. “Don’t make fun of my cooking. I told you two I didn’t want to cook in the first place-”

Youngjae stops to look at Jaebum who’s eating his dick shaped pancakes. Jaebum doesn’t need to eat anything anymore. Blood sustains him just fine. But sometimes, he eats because he misses the taste of real food and just so he can feel like he’s human too.

“I wasn’t making fun.” Jaebum says after swallowing his food down. “They’re good.”

Youngjae only blinks at him, unable to say anything. He’s still not talking to Jaebum. After the fight, Youngjae still ignores him and it’s messing Jaebum up. He misses the way Youngjae talks around him and laughs at every little thing he does. But Jaebum doesn’t say anything. He knows he deserves his silence.

But today is different. Today, this is the last time he’ll eat something Youngjae made for them. This is the last time he can see him and actually talk to him. 

Today is the last day he’ll ever be with him.

So when Youngjae turns around and heads back to the kitchen, Jaebum follows. Yugyeom and Bambam seem oblivious to the awkward tension between the two of them and Jaebum hopes it stays that way. He doesn’t want the younger ones to know he and Youngjae haven’t been on good terms these days either.

Youngjae is busy studying his pancake batter slowly cooking on the pan as Jaebum joins him.

Jaebum rummages around the kitchen for an empty ketchup bottle. When he finds one, he makes sure to wash it thoroughly before pouring pancake batter in it. 

“Here,” Jaebum offers him the squeeze bottle. “Use this so the pancakes are all round. Not the spoon.”

Youngjae looks at him for a moment, then at the ketchup bottle that’s now filled with batter. He then discards the spoon and follows his instructions. Jaebum watches as Youngjae squeezes a fair portion of batter into the pan. Jaebum then sees the way his face lights up in amazement when the pancake is all round now.

“And here,” Jaebum takes the apron hanging by a hook and wraps it around Youngjae’s waist. “So it doesn’t stain your clothes. You know that Mark and Jinyoung always complain about this during laundry day.”

Youngjae nods. Jaebum smiles as he stands behind him. Youngjae may still not want to talk to him. But he’d like to leave him today with the notion that Jaebum has never shut him out.

He’ll always be his hyung. Always.

“Hyung,” Youngjae says before he can leave the kitchen.

Jaebum turns around to look at him. “Yes, Youngjae-ah?” 

“Thanks.” Youngjae drops his gaze to the pancake batter again. “For telling me it tasted good.”

Jaebum smiles at him. He’ll definitely miss him just as much as he’ll miss Bambam, and Yugyeom too.

He returns to the dining table where Bambam and Yugyeom have gotten second helpings of pancakes after realizing they were good. As Jaebum takes a forkful of his, someone dips his head in, grabs his wrist and guides his fork into his own mouth.

Jaebum looks at Jinyoung who’s laughing after stealing his pancakes.

“Good morning, hyung.” He greets.

Jaebum stares at him and Jinyoung looks so beautiful this morning. It’s a different feeling now, looking at him this way. Leaving Jinyoung today has definitely put a number on him. He’s looking at him, memorizing the way his hair is sticking out everywhere from sleep. He admires the slightly dark circles under his eyes, the ones that are always hidden by makeup but something Jaebum always loves to see. It’s a reminder that he’s glimpsed Jinyoung underneath all that color, all that heavy wardrobe, all that perfect idol image the fans have seen. He stares at the moles on his face he used to trace when they’re lying in bed and just talking about anything. Jinyoung’s mouth is stuffed with pancakes and though Jaebum promised he’ll never touch him again, Jaebum’s hand still dart out to swipe away syrup that settled on the corner of his mouth.

Years of being so attuned to Jinyoung and taking care of him all comes to an end today.

Jinyoung breaks the moment as he stares at something behind Jaebum.

“Ya, ya. Leave those last two pieces for Jackson and Mark hyung.” Jinyoung points his fork at the plate where Bambam and Yugyeom were about to take them.

“I still have more!” Youngjae exclaims as he arrives with a plate filled with a fresh batch.

“Awww.” Bambam pouts. “They’re not shaped like dicks anymore.”

“Hey.” Jinyoung clicks his tongue at him. Yugyeom snickers at that.

Soon enough, they’re joined by Jackson who’s already dressed for his schedule, while Mark looks like he dragged himself out of bed. Jackson pulls Mark down to sit across from Jaebum while Jackson squeezes himself between Jinyoung and Jaebum, just so he can pester Jinyoung some more before he leaves for work.

Jinyoung starts putting pancakes on both of Mark and Jackson’s plates and passing around butter and syrup while the rest start talking and laughing across one other.

It’s noisy. Jackson and Youngjae’s laughter mixing in with Yugyeom, Jinyoung and Bambam’s chatter. Even Mark’s quietness is loud today. The whole table is noisy. It’s the usual noise Jaebum wakes up to for breakfast. And the pancakes taste like lead in his mouth when he realizes he’ll never hear this kind of noise ever again.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom speaks up and Jaebum looks around to find the table had quieted down and everyone is looking at him.

“Yes, Yugyeom-ah?”

Yugyeom looks a bit flustered and Bambam nudges him.

“Bambam and I - fine, I meant just me. _Stop kicking me on the foot!_ ” Yugyeom hisses at Bambam. Jackson chuckles.

“I wanted to say thank you.” Yugyeom continues. “And to Mark hyung too.”

Mark looks up from his plate. “Me?”

“You two didn’t fight at all this week. It felt… nice.” Yugyeom’s voice slowly quiets at that, like he’s afraid Jaebum will call him out for it.

Jaebum ignores the tug on his heart.

“Mark hyung and I won’t fight anymore.” He says. “It was wrong for us to do so in the first place.”

Jaebum looks at Mark who’s staring at him. He’ll miss him too. Even after all the things that happened between them, the yelling, the arguing… There were a lot of good times too and Jaebum finds that he remembers them the most. In fact, he can’t even remember the things he’s yelled back at him before.

The fights didn’t matter anymore. It never did. 

“Jaebum’s right.” Mark speaks up, going back to his pancakes. “No more fights.”

Everyone seems so surprised at this that no one utters a word. It isn’t until Jackson gives off a squeal at this news and jumps from his seat to hug Jaebum that everyone starts laughing.

“This calls for a celebration! Norebang! Tonight! Jinyoungie’s paying!”

Jinyoung slaps Jackson across the chest at that, making Yugyeom laugh out loud.

Throughout the whole morning, Jaebum pretends. He pretends that everything’s fine as they eat, that nothing is tearing his heart apart as he watches all of them going about their day. He pretends that he’ll see them tonight as one by one they all leave for their schedules and bid Jaebum a “see you later hyung!” Jaebum pretends. And he’s amazed at how much control he has over his emotions when his heart is breaking into two.

Until Jinyoung bids him a goodbye. Jinyoung who kisses him on the lips before he leaves. No tongue. No frantic kissing. Just Jinyoung pecking him quick and softly on the lips and smiling at him, all bright eyed and telling him he’ll see him for dinner. 

That’s when Jaebum no longer holds it. The moment the dorm empties, the moment the door closes behind Jinyoung, Jaebum excuses himself from their managers who just arrived to take their things and he heads to his room. The second the door closes, Jaebum collapses on the ground and sobs. He sobs his heart out at how much he’ll miss everyone. He hates himself. He hates that he brought this upon himself. He wishes there had been more time, more days, more chances for him to make things right. He wishes he could’ve held Jinyoung for the last time and tell him he loves him. He wishes then that whoever bit him that night just took his life away. So he doesn’t have to feel this much pain at the thought of leaving these people he loves behind forever.

Jaebum wishes for so much all at the same time that it hurts.

“Jaebum?”

Jaebum slowly stops crying then. He wipes his face and makes sure his eyes don’t look puffy before answering the door. Mark is there when he opens it and Jaebum lets him in.

“Manager hyungs are asking if you’re coming with us or taking the day off? They’re aware you don’t have any schedule.”

Jaebum shakes his head. “I’m staying.”

“Alright then.” Mark turns to leave the room when Jaebum tells him to wait for a minute as he hands him something.

“Here,” Jaebum hands Mark a large envelope. “All my papers.”

Mark looks at him, confused. “They contain everything. Resignation later. An explanation letter from the company to use. Documents to back up my claims.” Jaebum swallows hard. He’s thought of it. He’s giving all supportive documents why he’s leaving the group. Military enlistment. That’s what Jaebum has planned. He’ll really do it for two years. Jinyoung won’t be able to chase him there. And when he’s released, the public would be able to forget by then who he is and he’ll hide. For the rest of his life.

“Hand it over to the company tonight.” Jaebum then hands Mark a key. “It’s a duplicate. I’ll park the car somewhere and text you the location. Please pick it up for me and bring it back here.”

“Wait, you’re leaving today?” Mark’s eyes widen at that. “Jaebum-ah-”

A knock on the door interrupts them. The managers are already telling Mark to go. He has a schedule. 

There are a lot of things hidden behind Mark’s eyes that Jaebum can’t decipher. But he holds his gaze, long enough for the look in Mark’s eyes to ingrain itself in Jaebum’s head. Because he’d like to believe that the look behind Mark’s eyes wanted to tell him to stay.

The moment they all leave and Jaebum is alone, he packs his things up. He doesn’t bring everything. Just the necessary clothes he needs. He leaves the rest behind. He can’t bring anything that would remind him of this life.

He takes one last look at the dorm before he leaves. He looks at the couch, at the dining table, the kitchen. He looks at his _home_. This home he built with Jinyoung at first and then with the rest of them. He looks at it and says his goodbyes, hoping that someday, the rest of them would forgive him for leaving.

Jaebum takes the car and drives. He drives to Goyang and doesn’t stop. The Seoul scenery flies past him, all of it a blur. The only thing clear in his head is what he’s about to do now and the new life he’s about to live.

His phone rings. Jaebum looks at the screen and sees Jinyoung’s name. Jaebum swallows hard and tears his gaze away from it.

Does Jinyoung know, he wonders. Does he still feel him? Does the link between them still exist? Jaebum wishes he could still feel him. That way, Jinyoung will know why he’s doing this. Maybe that would make him forgive him.

Jinyoung doesn’t stop calling him until he reaches a suitable place to park the car. Jaebum pockets his phone, ignoring the calls and voice messages he’s leaving.

He heads out to walk to the nearest bus station when someone yells his name from behind. Jaebum turns around and his eyes widen when he sees Mark running towards him and waving his hands in the air.

Jaebum stares at him in disbelief. He’s not sure why he’s all the way out here when he should be back at the studio filming. It seems surreal to find him here. 

The phone on his pocket starts vibrating again. Jinyoung is calling him. 

"You can't leave." 

Jaebum stares at Mark, panting there on the spot. He doesn't think he heard him right. Is Mark telling him he can't leave? Wasn't he the one that wanted him gone?

"You can't leave." Mark says again as he catches up with his lungs. 

Jaebum doesn't understand. He gave all the necessary documents to Mark. His bags are with him. He’s ready to buy bus tickets home. He already said his goodbyes.

"Jaebum, you can't." Mark tells him. 

"I already have." Jaebum replies. His phone is still vibrating in his pocket. Jinyoung is still calling him and Jaebum is struggling not to answer. 

Mark holds up a finger as he rushes back to the car he drove all the way here, takes something, heads back to him again raising the envelope he gave him this morning in the air. In one swift move, Mark tears it in half and Jaebum's mouth drops open. 

"What are you doing?!"

"There. That doesn't exist now. This whole thing." Mark heaves, throwing it on the ground. "You leaving us didn't happen. No one has to know." 

Mark thinks it's just that easy. Jaebum’s relieved that he's here. That he's even hearing this from him. That Mark doesn't want him to leave.

And yet... 

"This doesn't change anything." Jaebum says. He still has to go. 

He sees the way Mark's jaw tightens. 

"Jaebum," He says quietly. "If this is because of that truce, then I'm breaking that agreement too." Mark points at him. "You're not leaving us. I will fight you every single day if it means you'll stay.”

Jaebum wishes Mark can feel what he feels at the moment. His heart is swelling with so much at the thought of his only hyung here to take him home. And Jaebum _wants_ to go home. To Jackson. To Bambam and Yugyeom. To Youngjae. To Jinyoung - _God_ does Jaebum want to go home to Jinyoung. But he can't. He can't go back. He'll only hurt them. He'll _kill_ them. Jaebum can't even forgive himself after what he did to Jinyoung. He'd rather die than hurt all of them. 

His phone keeps on ringing. He wants to answer it. But it'll only make things worse.

And Jaebum's heart feels like it's breaking into two all over again as he forces a smile and shakes his head.

"I can't. I don't want to, hyung." 

Mark closes the gap between them and grabs him by the collar. Jaebum feels how strong Mark is as he wrenches him from where he's standing and starts shaking him. 

"Don't lie to me." Mark grits his teeth. "You want to come home. You've never wanted to leave." 

Yes. Jaebum admits he never wanted to leave. But all of that has changed now. Staying isn't an option anymore. 

"You're coming back with me, Jaebum." Mark presses. "Because I'm not leaving here without you. 

Jaebum lowers his head. "Hyung, if there's anyone who has to go back, it's you. They need you there. Jackson can only do so much. Bambam and Yugyeom need someone to look after them. Youngjae needs someone to look up to. Jinyoung- " 

"Jinyoung needs you too." Mark says in a firm tone. "Don't ever think that any one of us can fill your shoes. Because I definitely can't. Especially to Jinyoung."

Mark shakes his head. "I can't love him the way you want me to love him. Not because I don't. I do. I love every single one of them. But Jinyoung will never love me back and don't you think that's unfair? To leave me with someone who will never get to see me the way I see him?"

Jaebum can't look at Mark. Because he's right. Mark is right.

But he still can't go back. What's done is done. He made it this far. 

"Jaebum," Mark shakes him and Jaebum finally meets his eyes. "Come home." 

Jaebum laughs. He laughs to try and lighten up the situation. But his laughter only sounds like a sob. 

"I can't. Hyung, I can't. It’s done. I’m here. I can’t go back.”

“You still can.”

“No, you don’t understand. I don't want to hurt any of you." 

"You won't." Mark answers. "Jaebum-ah, when are you ever going to realize that you're not the only one who needs to do all the protecting.” Mark holds on to his hands tight. “Trust me. Trust us. We'll protect you from yourself too."

And that seems to be the trigger. For Jaebum is sobbing all over again. Mark releases his hold on him and pulls him in his arms. It feels good to be taken cared of like this. To know that someone is willing to protect him from himself. That for a moment, someone is there to hold him because Jaebum feels like he's breaking apart everywhere.

“Jaebum-ah...Come home with me.” Mark says in his ear, his own voice thick with emotions. And as Jaebum pulls away, he sees his eyes glistening with tears too.

“Please.” He says. “Don’t do this.”

Jaebum stares at the sky and blinks away his own tears. To go back. To go home. The thought of it fills him. He wants to.

And then images of Jinyoung with bruises around his neck fills him. Jinyoung covered in blood. Jinyoung unconscious as Jaebum shakes him awake.

The images taunt him even further as Bambam and Yugyeom’s faces fill him too. Youngjae. Jackson. Mark. Everyone of them. Dead. Because of him. 

He can’t go back. He can’t.

“I’m sorry.” Jaebum breathes. Mark’s face falls at that.

“Jaebum-ah,”

They’re interrupted by a loud ring and Jaebum palms his pocket where his phone is. But it turns out it’s Mark’s and Jaebum watches him check who it is.

“It’s Jinyoung.” Mark looks up from his phone. “Does he know you left?”

“No.” Jaebum answers with a lump on his throat.

Mark frowns at him. “Well he has to know. If I can’t get you to stay maybe he will.”

Jaebum’s eyes widen as Mark makes a move to answer the call.

“No! Wait! Don’t answer that!” Jaebum tries to wrestle the phone out of Mark’s hand but it’s too late. Mark already answered it.

“Jinyoung-ah, there’s something I need to tell you-”

Jaebum reaches to take the phone from him when the look on Mark’s face makes him stop.

“What?” Jaebum asks. It’s like the color just drained from Mark’s face. “Hyung, what is it?”

It takes Mark a few seconds to answer. He lowers the phone and turns to him, face unreadable.

“It’s Jackson." Mark says. "He’s bitten.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Happy New Year!  
> \- i have this headcanon where Jaebum only ever acts like a dongsaeng when Mark is around. That the only person who can ever see him weak is Mark.  
> \- I love MarkBum so much :3


	16. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions decisions

There are decisions Jaebum has made through the years as a leader of a 7 member idol group.

These decisions include knowing what to say during interviews, knowing how to compose everyone’s words into one, deciding what to do when a technical glitch happens during a performance, and deciding what should be done should a member fall sick and one has to cover for the other.

And then there are decisions Jaebum has made through the years as the hyung of a group.

What to do to a member who goes out of line, how to discipline someone who did wrong, how to instill respect yet keep the relationship as close as possible and how to keep the peace.

Jaebum has made several decisions in his life. But not as dire and serious as the one he’s about to make.

He’s driving back to Seoul. Back to where the others are. He said he wouldn’t come back. He said he would leave them all behind. But with what he just heard, there was no way he can leave now and have them all deal with this by themselves.

Jackson’s bitten. The thought of Jackson being bitten is messing with Jaebum’s head. Jaebum’s not sure how he was bitten. Or why. It’s the middle of the day. Attacks don’t usually come during daylight. But it happened. And of all people, it had to be Jackson.

Jaebum doesn’t remember the drive back to Seoul. All he knows is that Mark didn’t look like he could function after that call. Jaebum had to take his phone and talk to Jinyoung. But he only hears the words “hospital” and “come quick” before the line went dead. Jaebum had to drag Mark to the passenger seat of his car, strap him in and drive out of there back to the city. He’s never driven that fast. He’ll probably receive a report for it but Jaebum doesn’t care.

They arrive at the hospital where Jinyoung told them to go. Fans crowd the lobby and a manager is there, ushering Jaebum and Mark to a side entrance. They couldn’t contain the news when witnesses saw Jackson being wheeled in. The company issued a temporary statement: Jackson suffered a car accident and is recovering. Jaebum wishes it was that simple.

They’re on a private floor and the moment the elevator doors open, Jaebum swears the whole thing is in slow motion. Nurses are rushing here and there. Managers are instructing the staff to clear off the hallways and have security ban fans from entering the floor. And yet, Jaebum feels like everything is moving so slow. 

Until he sees Youngjae and Bambam and Yugyeom. He sees them all huddled together. The look on their faces seemed to push time forward. They look so small, so fragile. Yugyeom looks afraid. Bambam looks worried. Youngjae looks devastated. And several emotions fill Jaebum. He can’t comprehend any of them at the moment. But one emotion rises above the rest and it’s anger. 

Jaebum is angry. He’s angry at whoever did this to his family. To have them witness such an ordeal. To hurt one of them. He wants for whoever did this to pay. Mark is already heading over to where the others are. But Jaebum is turning around and heading for the exists. He’s going to hurt someone for this and he won’t stop until whoever bit Jackson is dead in his hands.

It’s Jinyoung who stops him from taking one more step. Jaebum’s breath catches in his throat the moment he sees him. The monster inside Jaebum roars in triumph to see his donor. But Jaebum pushes that aside. He’s more concerned at the way Jinyoung looks. He doesn’t like the rest. He doesn’t look horrified or worried. He looks like nothing Jaebum can describe. But if there’s one thing, Jinyoung looks tense.

His shoulders are tense. His jaw is tightened. His eyes are wide but he isn’t staring at anything. He isn’t even staring at Jaebum.

Jaebum walks up to him and that’s when Jinyoung finally meets his gaze. He’s scared. That’s what it is. But he’s trying his best not to show it. And Jaebum knows why.

For the sake of everyone. He’s holding himself together for everyone.

Jaebum wants to kill whoever made him like this.

“Who was it?” Jaebum asks through gritted teeth. “Any leads?”

Jinyoung shakes his head. “No one saw. He was out for a shoot. He said he was going to buy the staff lunch. The last they saw of him was out the door-”

Jaebum doesn’t let him finish. He heads for the elevators but Jinyoung grabs him by the arm tight.

“Don’t.” Jinyoung says quietly.

Jaebum bites down on his teeth hard to keep from lashing out.

“Someone has to pay for this.”

“I agree.” Jinyoung replies. “But not now.”

“Not now?” Jaebum turns to him, aware that his eyes are flashing in anger. “ _Not now?_ When? Whoever did this is out there and could still be around. I’m not going to lose that chance in finding this ass-”

“Not now.” Jinyoung glares back at him. “I need you here to keep everyone from falling apart because _goddamnit hyung I don’t know how._ ”

Jinyoung is shaking. Jaebum knows how much Jackson means to him. As a same aged friend. As his brother. As someone who has always been there.

Jaebum stays. He can’t leave all of them right now either.

They both head back to where the others are. The look of relief on Youngjae’s face as he shows up has Jaebum feel guilty. Even Bambam and Yugyeom seem a little relaxed to have him here and Jaebum wonders if they’d look at him differently if they knew what he did this morning. 

Mark is all by himself, sitting at the farthest end of the bench staring blankly at the wall. Jaebum heads there instead and sits beside him while Jinyoung stays with the younger ones.

“Anything?” Jaebum asks.

“He’s lost a lot of blood.” Mark says quietly. “They wouldn’t let us see him. Doctors are trying to stabilize his condition.”

Jaebum knows what’s going to happen next. Jackson’s going to turn. That’s inevitable.

He’s angry again. He wants to do something. Jaebum feels so helpless and afraid for what’s to come. Jackson doesn’t deserve to turn into a monster like him. He can’t imagine a different Jackson, one who will have urges to drink, to feed, to kill. 

Jaebum feels so fucking helpless.

Jaebum runs a hand through his face. The floor is quiet now. Too quiet. Jaebum looks around and finds that everyone’s eyes are cast downwards. They’re all waiting for news. Jaebum looks for their managers and finds them huddled at the far end of the hallway.

He heads towards them when one of them looks up and they all stop talking. Jaebum frowns at this. They’re keeping something from them. He can tell.

“I need to know what’s happening with Jackson.” Jaebum says.

They all exchange looks. One nods and the rest of them leave him and Jaebum alone.

“What is it?” Jaebum asks. “You can tell me. I know how this goes.”

“It’s not looking so great.” He says. “He’s not turning.”

Jaebum’s eyes spring wide open at that. “What? But that’s…” That should be good news. But why… “Why aren’t any of you pleased with that?”

Their manager looks at the rest of the members and then at Jackson’s room. The waiting is making Jaebum all antsy. This is good news. He has no idea how Jackson could survive a bite but Jaebum thinks this is better than having to become a monster.

“Jaebum-ah…” Their manager presses his lips together before he continues. “Jackson’s dying.”

Jaebum feels bile rise up his throat. He doesn’t think he heard that right. “He’s not turning because there’s nothing for him to turn into.” Their manager continues. “He’s drained. Whoever bit him didn’t attack to turn him into something else. Whoever attacked him just had the intent to kill-”

Jaebum grabs their manager by his collar and slam him up against the wall. He can feel all eyes turn to them but he doesn’t care.

_“You weren’t going to tell us, were you?”_ Jaebum hisses at him. _“You were going to keep this from us.”_

“Hyung that’s enough.” Jinyoung is there, pulling him away while Mark is also pulling their manager out of his grasp.

“What’s going on?” Youngjae asks. All of them are standing there now and as much as Jaebum wants to protect them all from the truth, he can’t.

“Tell them.” Jaebum looks at their manager. “Tell them what you told me.”

Everyone’s looking at their manager who lowers his gaze to the ground.

“Jackson’s not going to make it.” 

Jaebum watches everyone take that in. Yugyeom’s mouth drops open while Bambam’s eyes are suddenly glistening with tears. Youngjae looks like he can’t breathe.

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung asks, still clearly in denial. “What do you mean he’s not going to make it?”

Mark turns around and leaves the group. Jaebum sees him head for Jackson’s room and Jaebum follows. The rest of them do. Their managers standing guard outside the door tries to stop them but Mark won’t have it as he punches one of them in the face. Jaebum can hear Bambam gasp but he doesn’t turn to check. All of them barge inside and when they do, they all stop in their tracks.

Jaebum should’ve hugged Jackson longer that morning. He should’ve let him sleep in his bed all the time. He should’ve spent more time with him than the usual, talked to him, listened to him laugh more often and just stared at him. Because Jaebum thinks he’ll never get another chance to.

Jackson doesn’t look like Jackson. Their manager was right. He looks drained. He’s so pale, cheeks sunken and his clothes a bloody mess. Jaebum has never been exposed to this much blood other than Jinyoung that the air is knocked out of him for a moment and the taste of blood so delicious fills his nostrils. His eyes focus on Jackson’s fresh wound. Jaebum’s urge to drink hits him hard. He’s disgusted with himself for even having urges at a time like this.

Jaebum breathes through his mouth. Doctors are still working on Jackson’s open wound but whoever - whatever - attacked him took a huge chunk off of him that it’s taking awhile to fix him. 

“No.” Mark breathes loudly, eyes widening as he sees Jackson there. “No. This… This isn’t him.”

A nurse starts calling for security to keep all of them away but a doctor stops her.

“Let them. I don’t think there’s anything more we can do.”

Jinyoung’s head snap up to look at the doctor. “What?”

One by one the nurses and interns leave, leaving the 6 of them with their managers and the doctor. They all watch as the doctor patches up what he can of Jackson’s wound.

“This isn’t a car accident. Nor is this an animal attack.” The doctor starts. “I’m aware of what’s happening in the city. And I have to be honest now. There’s not much I can do about him.”

“How… How long does he have?” Youngjae asks.

“I can’t be sure.” The doctor says. “I’m sorry.”

A manager whips out his phone before he heads out of the room. “I’m calling Jackson’s parents.”

It’s happening way too fast. Their managers are already calling the company. Someone is raising their voice in the background. It’s Jinyoung. Yugyeom is trying to calm him down. But Jinyoung is continuing to yell at the doctor. That he should do something. That he’s not going to leave until the doctor does something. Jaebum hasn’t heard him like this before.

Time is standing still again. Until Mark’s voice cuts through his thoughts.

“You can help him.”

Jaebum looks at Mark who’s by Jackson’s side and holding his hand. He’s holding onto him tight, like Jackson will slip away if he lets go.

“Jaebum-ah,” Mark looks at him all teary-eyed. “Help him.”

Jinyoung’s voice is still loud out in the hallway. Yugyeom and Youngjae is telling him to stop. Bambam is by the door, looking at Jackson with tears streaming down his face, unable to come to terms with anything

Jaebum turns to Mark. “The doctor said there isn’t anything he can do-”

“The doctors can’t do what you can.” 

It takes a few seconds for that to sink in.

Jaebum stares at Mark, horrified.

“You’re not serious.”

“I am.” Mark replies. “You know there’s no other way.”

Bambam has stopped crying and is looking at Mark and Jaebum now.

“Jaebum-ah,” Mark says quietly. “Turn him.”

Jaebum stares at Jackson. Turn him. Just like that. As if it’s the most easiest thing to do.

“Jaebum,” Mark squeezes Jackson’s hand. “There’s still some life left in him. You can still turn him. It’s not too late.”

“Do you understand what you’re asking me to do?” Jaebum says that carefully and slowly for Mark to understand. “I can’t do that. That would turn him into someone like me.”

“I don’t care!” Mark exclaims angrily. “We’re not going to let him die!”

“But you’d rather want him to live his life like this?! Like a monster?!” Jaebum yells back. “I want him alive as much as you do but turning him is worse than death!”

“Do you really think that?” Mark asks. “Do you really think death is better off than the way you are right now?

Yes, Jaebum wants to answer. Yes. Because at least his conscience is clear. At least if he’s dead, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone.

But as Jaebum stares at Jackson’s lifeless form, he can’t seem to answer out loud. Jackson isn’t just his friend. He’s a brother to him. Of course he wants him alive. But he wants him alive and well, not living his life imprisoned by some uncontrollable creature.

Jaebum thinks is the most difficult decision he has to make.

“We all want him alive.” Mark says. “That’s the only thing that matters. Everything else comes second.”

Jaebum doesn’t know what to do. To turn him into something he hates or let him die.

“Jaebum, please.” Mark begs. Bambam isn’t saying anything. “You’re the only one who can still save him.”

Jaebum glances at Jackson again. He can’t make this decision for him. None of them can.

Outside, Jinyoung is still yelling angrily. Jaebum’s head hurts. He wants everything to be okay.

“Jaebum, please.” Mark is sobbing now. “I want him back. I know you want him back too.” 

He does. Jaebum wants _his_ Jackson back.

“Turn him. Turn him before it’s too late.” 

Jaebum feels his sanity tearing apart. He’s made so many decisions in his life. But nothing comes close to this.

In that moment of helplessness, Jaebum asks himself what he wants most in the world.

And it’s really so simple. The answer is so simple.

It’s just to be able to hear Jackson laugh again. To have him cacking in glee and teasing everyone. Just to have one more chance to see him alive and well again.

Jaebum closes his eyes and breathes. 

“Get out of the room.”

No one seems to be moving. Jaebum opens his eyes and looks at Mark who’s staring back at him, unsure.

“Get out of the room and don’t open the door or let anyone in until I say so. Is that clear?”

Mark nods. Bambam is still frozen in his spot.

“Hyung, are you really going to…” 

Jaebum doesn’t answer him.

Mark squeezes Jackson’s hand. Jaebum watches as he whispers something in Jackson’s ear before he leaves.

Outside, Jinyoung’s voice is thundering down the hallway. It’ll stop soon. The yelling. The hurt. He’ll make sure it’ll stop.

“Jaebum hyung,”

Jaebum looks at Mark and Bambam by the door. 

“You were never a monster.” Bambam says. 

Jaebum hopes Jackson thinks that too.

The moment they leave, Jaebum locks the door and bars the doorway with anything he can find. He sets some of the machines Jackson is hooked up to, to the doorway where it blocks anyone from entering. When he’s sure no one can come in, Jaebum turns his focus on Jackson.

He looks so still and lifeless and Jaebum is afraid he may have lost him for good. But his heart rate beeps that he’s still there, though the signs don’t look so good. 

Jaebum brushes the hair out of Jackson’s face.

_Forgive me._ Jaebum wishes there was a better choice than this. A better decision.

_I’m so sorry, Jackson._

And with that last thought, with tears in his eyes and the monster inside him roaring with glee at the chance to be fed, Jaebum takes Jackson’s wrist and sinks his teeth in his skin.

 

 

 

There’s this haze swimming in his vision. He can’t seem to focus on anything. He doesn’t know where he is or how long was he out. He’s not even sure why he’s out in the first place. But the haze… it’s making it hard for him to remember things. 

He feels his stomach rumble. His throat also feels parched. He opens his mouth and licks his lips, wondering why his throat feels so dry.

And then something hits him. That insatiable smell. He doesn’t know where it’s coming from just that it’s making his mouth water. He wants it. Whatever it is.

So he moves and opens his eyes. So he could drink. So he could quench that thirst.

And when he does so, when his eyes spring open, all Jackson sees is red.


	17. Point of View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark - Jackson - Jinyoung - Jaebum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all point of views of Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung and Jaebum in that order. You'll know which ones are theirs as you read through the chap.

Mark is glad Jackson is alive.

He’s alive and well and fully healed. Not a scratch is found on him. Not even where his attacker bit him in the first place. He’s walking around like nothing life threatening just happened to him over the weekend. 

Jackson is alive and well. And the rest of them are in trouble for it.

The amount of cover up that JYPE had to do was expensive. They made up a solid story released to the public as to what happened. It was simply a car accident. JYPE had to shell out a lot of money to keep the public from ever finding out what happened that day. Jackson’s parents flew all the way from Hongkong and were made to believe their son was fine. The doctor in charge of Jackson was told to keep mum while the interns and nurses who assisted him during that day were made to sign forms not to tell anyone either. They all knew Jackson wasn’t going to live through that. And yet, because of what Jaebum did, he’s suddenly alive.

Everyone called it a miracle. The rest of them, however, is getting punished for it.

No schedules. No going out of the dorms unless it’s on official business such as song recordings. But that’s that. Album release is pushed back and GOT7 is on hiatus until Jackson “recovers”. The company thanks Jaebum for what he did but according to them, he should’ve consulted their managers first and is mostly pinning the blame on him. Mark backed Jaebum up and told them that if he hadn’t acted fast, Jackson wouldn’t have survived. But the company is still punishing all of them.

Which turns out to be okay since they’re all keeping Jackson in check.

Not much has changed. Jackson is still Jackson. Except that he’s hungry all the time.

When Jackson woke up that day, it was only Jaebum in the room with him. Mark never knew what went down when he woke up. Jaebum never told him. Even when Mark asked again and again. Jaebum only said he took the news well. And that was it. Jackson was now… something else.

The rest of them were in a state of disbelief when Mark told them what Jaebum did. But it only lasted a couple of minutes because Mark was right, he wasn’t the only one that wanted him alive. Jinyoung, Youngjae, Bambam and Yugyeom didn’t care what Jackson turned into. Just as long as they all have him back.

But out of everyone else, Mark knows Jaebum is carrying the weight in turning Jackson into someone like him. He’s blaming himself and Mark wishes there was something he can do. Jaebum wasn’t the only one in it. Mark played a huge role in that decision too. But Jaebum won’t have it. He’s taking full responsibility for what happened.

Jaebum is the one that feeds him. He offers his own blood for Jackson to drink to keep him sated. Though Mark knows his blood isn’t probably as satisfying as that of a human, it’ll have to do. 

Jaebum feeds him regularly. And by regularly, Jaebum feeds him every hour without fail. He feeds him behind closed doors and doesn’t show anyone how it’s done. But Mark sees the bruises and marks on Jaebum’s wrist where Jackson always bites. 

The rest don’t keep their distance from Jackson. They’re more than glad he’s alive. They dote on him and make sure he’s okay. But Jaebum does have to be where he is all the time to restrain him should he goes out of control and attacks any one of them. Which he hasn’t yet, thank god.

Jackson is still Jackson. Except…

Except Jackson treats Mark differently now.

Mark’s not sure why. But right after they emerged from that room in the hospital, Jackson wouldn’t look him in the eye when he talks to him or wouldn’t hang around him when they all gather at the dorm. Jackson jokes around with the rest still and talks to them, laughs along to what they’re talking about and hangs out with them. But when Mark’s there, it’s like Jackson suddenly shuts himself out and excuses himself.

And that’s fucking Mark up. Because he thinks Jackson hates him.

And he has every right to hate him. It was Mark who convinced Jaebum to turn him. It was Mark who begged for Jaebum to bring him back to life because he knew Jaebum would never turn him if no one pushed him to do it. He of all people knew better what the consequences were if he turned him. It was Mark who damned him into this. Jackson is living his life differently now all because of him. And Mark believes he only has himself to blame. Not Jaebum. Not anyone else. Only himself.

He doesn’t have any regrets. He wanted Jackson alive. But Jackson avoiding him is a different story.

So when a rare instance happens where Mark finds Jackson alone in the kitchen with Jaebum nowhere to be found, Mark musters up the courage and asks him about it.

“Are we okay?” Mark asks. His whole being itches to touch Jackson’s hand or just have Jackson throw himself at him. Like how he’d usually do. He missed that about him. He missed Jackson being clingy.

“What do you mean by that?” Jackson replies, fixing himself a sandwhich. “Of course we’re okay.”

Jackson doesn’t need food. But he’s still trying to come to terms with who he is that old habits die hard.

And yet, he didn’t look at Mark when he answered him, a habit he usually does when he’s talking to him.

“I feel like we’re not.” Mark tells him as he stands there in the middle of the kitchen, wishing Jackson would just tip his head up and look at him, acknowledge his presence, tell a joke, anything.

“We’re fine, hyung. We always are.”

 _No,_ Mark wants to tell him. _We’re not. Look at me, Jackson. Talk to me. Smile at me._

“If this is because I told Jaebum to change you…” Mark swallows hard. “I had to make him turn you. It was the only way.”

Jackson nods, humming as he bites into his sandwich.

“I know. And it’s okay, hyung. Really.”

Mark wants Jackson to look at him.

“Then why have you been avoiding me?”

He sounds whiny now and desperate. He’s not used to this. Jackson never made him feel like shit.

Jackson chuckles at that. “Hyung, I’m here right now. I’m talking to you.”

“But you won’t look at me.”

Jackson glances at him for a moment, flashes a smile, a forced one at that, and then focuses on his sandwich again.

Mark’s heart clenches at this swift action.

“Jackson, if you’re mad at me-”

“Is that Jaebum hyung at the door?” Jackson says, picking the rest of his plate up and heading out of there fast.

Mark stands in the middle of the kitchen for a full minute, taking that in. Did Jackson just… walk out like that?

Jackson said they were fine. He said they were okay. Mark wants to make things better and he’ll have to try. He’ll have to trust him on that.

Trust. They still have that, right?

Mark hopes so. Because he’ll never forgive himself if he loses that and Jackson too.

Mark swears he’ll make things better. 

 

 

 

Jackson wishes Mark doesn’t try to make things better.

It’s not going to get better and it never will.

Not because he blames him for what happened. Jackson doesn’t blame anyone. He’s glad he’s alive. He’s glad he’s still here, walking around with the rest of them. He’s happy to see his parents relieved to have him back and is sorry for worrying them. He’s glad to still be Jackson Wang somehow.

But this thing he turned into… Jackson understands how Jaebum feels now.

It’s like containing something struggling to get out of him. It’s like holding on to something crawling from underneath his skin. He can’t sit still when he’s with the rest. He can’t think. He can’t breathe. There’s something about the human blood that’s drawing the creature out of him. Jaebum feeds him every hour to keep him sated. And though that helps, the satisfaction only lasts for a few minutes before he’s salivating again, stomach rumbling and his teeth aching to sink into skin. 

Jaebum says it’s because he has yet to taste human blood. Jaebum uses his own blood to feed himself. He said he’s keeping Jackson from tasting human blood because once he does so, he’ll want it forever. 

Jackson doesn’t want human blood. Yet whatever is inside him wants it so badly.

And Mark makes it worse. His very presence makes it worse.

The moment he woke up, he smelled everyone through the door. And Jaebum had to pin him down on the bed to keep him from getting to them. Jackson was so much stronger than Jaebum. A freshly turned monster like him was always stronger than anyone else. But Jaebum managed to contain him. Jaebum had to feed him his own blood first, just for rational thoughts to settle in.

And Jackson couldn’t believe it at first. That he wasn’t… human anymore. Though he’s grateful he’s alive, the thing he turned into is like being punished for getting a second shot in life.

It’s their scents that make living again difficult.

Every single one of them has a distinct mouth watering smell that lingers at the back of his tongue, making it harder to keep the temptation away. Whenever he takes a whiff of all of them, he starts imagining what they would all taste like in his head.

Bambam’s is like having hot guk during winter, something he’s sure will warm up his insides when he gets a taste of him. Yugyeom’s is sweet and tangy and reminds him of the food he used to eat back home when he was little. Youngjae’s is warm and sweet, just like chocolate and just thinking about it makes Jackson imagine how his blood would feel like sliding down his throat. Jinyoung’s is like that drink he was given back when they celebrated Bambam’s coming of age party. That drink that he couldn’t get enough because of how fizzy and bubbly it was which got him all drunk that night.

All their scents call out to him, enticing him and intoxicating him.

And Mark’s… Well. Mark is a different thing.

Mark’s scent doesn’t call out to him. It _sings_ to him. Mark’s scent has no taste but rather, his presence makes Jackson feel like he’s seeing an oasis in the middle of a desert. Mark’s scent gets him all light headed and he always has to sit or hold on to something lest his legs give away. 

And that’s not all. Mark’s presence makes him salivate with _lust_. He has thoughts, indecent thoughts, of doing things to him, claiming him as his, sinking his teeth in his neck and wanting him as his donor for life. His stomach clenches with anticipation and his groin tightens from wanting to taste him all over. Jackson wants to tear him apart and fuck him at the same time. It’s a horrible thought and Jackson is always disgusted to find himself thinking it.

He can’t stay in the same room with him. He can’t sit beside him. He can't throw his arms around him like he used to do. He can’t look at him straight in the eye because Jackson is ashamed. He’s ashamed because thinking about Mark like this is wrong. 

And he’s afraid that one day, Mark would know.

It came close. One day. Jackson was so close in taking him.

Jaebum stepped out for a while to talk to a manager. Jackson was safe for an hour anyway since he just fed him. He was heading to the bathroom for a shower when Youngjae and Mark were chasing Coco around the dorm and Mark just happened to crash into him in the hallway. 

Jackson still remembers that dazed feeling to have Mark’s face in his chest. Mark had smelled so good up close and Jackson had to keep his hands from clawing at Mark’s skin and pull him closer. It took every ounce of his strength not to lift his face up to his, bend down and finally tear the flesh right near his neck.

Jackson was just fed and yet, that didn’t make Mark an exception. He wanted Mark that night. Badly.

And from fear of doing so, Jackson pushed him. He told him to get off of him, saying the words through his teeth because he’s struggling not to taste the air that has Mark’s scent all over it. Jackson pretended he hadn’t seen the confused and hurt look on Mark’s face afterwards as he scrambled to get to the bathroom, where he stayed for a long time.

Jinyoung found him later all covered in blood. His blood.

Jackson bit himself just to satisfy his hunger. He bit his own wrist then stroked himself to get rid of all these thoughts about fucking Mark and feeding on him. He bit himself countless times, jacked off until his orgasm ran dry. His wrists hurt but it was nothing compared to how he felt inside of him. Jackson didn’t stop drawing out blood until he’s no longer hungry but just miserable.

He’s so so miserable and Jackson doesn’t know what to do.

Jinyoung found him crying on the floor naked and stained with his own blood. He didn’t say a word, only locked the bathroom door behind him and cleaned him up.

He’s still sobbing when Jinyoung finished changing him and cleaned the bathroom. Jinyoung pulled him to the floor where Jackson curled up in his arms. Jinyoung smelled so good to him but after all that he went through, he’s no longer hungry for more.

“If you want me to leave…” Jinyoung said to him. Jackson only clutched at him tighter.

“I wish I can tell you it gets better.” Jinyoung had sighed as he cradled him in his arms. “But it won’t. Not until…”

Until Jackson feeds on human blood. Until Jackson gets a donor.

But he knows what that would bring. And he would _never_ \- Jackson will never subject anyone to that kind of pain.

“Never.” Jackson told Jinyoung that night.

“It’s Mark, isn’t it.” Jinyoung said in reply. Jackson will never know how Jinyoung knew. And that time, Jackson found he couldn’t deny it anymore. He was just tired. So he nodded.

“If you talk to him…”

“No.” Jackson said firmly. “No one can know. He can’t know.”

Jinyoung only nodded and held him tighter afterwards.

Youngjae was nice enough to switch rooms with him. He now stays in Jaebum’s room where it’s easier for Jaebum to look after him. Mark thinks he’s avoiding him and Jackson wants to tell him he’s not. In fact, he misses him. So much. And he hates that Mark thinks he has to make all this effort to keep things all right between them. Because they’re fine. The problem lies with Jackson.

Jackson wants to have things back to the way it once did. When he didn’t have to think twice before diving at him and laughing with him. But all that has changed now.

And Jackson has to learn how to come to terms with all of it.

 

 

 

Jinyoung wants to come to terms with what he’s seeing.

He’s in one of their cars after coming home from JYPE. The manager already parked it and has gone up the dorms ahead. But Jinyoung stayed behind. Because he’s still trying to understand what he’s seeing.

Jaebum’s duffel bag is in the back seat. Jinyoung recognized it and was about to bring it with him because he thought he forgot his stuff, when he carried it and was surprised to find the whole thing weighed so heavily.

He shouldn’t have opened it. He should’ve left it there. Because when he did, when he opened it, right under all of Jaebum’s stuff, right under all those clothes, were several blood bags.

Jinyoung wondered why he had them. And then he realized it’s been so long since Jaebum has been feeding on him.

So he stared at the blood bags. And then the duffel bag filled with clothes. And then he remembers that day. That day Jackson was attacked and he kept on calling him. He wondered where he was and why he wasn’t picking up the phone. And all of it started piecing itself together, bit by bit.

But Jinyoung wouldn’t believe it. Jaebum would never… He would never…

And then Jinyoung remembered Mark was with him. He heard Jaebum’s voice on the other end of the line when Jinyoung called him. They both arrived at the same time at the hospital. If Jaebum was going to… Why would Mark be there?

So he asks Mark. The moment he arrives at the dorm, he heads to Mark’s room.

“Where were you and Jaebum hyung that day?” Jinyoung asks him, not even bothering to greet his hyung a hello. Youngjae, who was sprawled on the other side of the bed, only had to read Jinyoung’s face and notice something was going on so he excuses himself and heads to Bambam and Yugyeom’s room instead.

“Which day?” Mark asks, taking off his earphones.

“The day Jackson was attacked. Where were you and Jaebum hyung?” Jinyoung can’t help the accusatory tone in his voice. He wants Mark to prove him wrong. He wants Mark to tell him they were only at the studio or they were just out. 

But Mark only looked at him, unable to answer him. And that’s when Jinyoung knew he was right.

Jaebum was planning on leaving. And he wasn’t going to tell anyone.

“You knew, didn’t you.” Jinyoung breathes.

Mark stands up from the bed at that.

“Jinyoung, he’s here. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

No, Jinyoung thinks, backing away from him. It matters a whole lot.

Jinyoung leaves him then. He doesn’t stop to turn around even as Mark continues to call him. Jinyoung heads to Jaebum’s room and opens the door to find Jaebum just finished with feeding Jackson.

“Hey,” Jackson greets, wiping the red on his mouth with the back of his hand. “What’s up?”

“I need to speak with Jaebum hyung. Alone.” Jinyoung says. Jaebum doesn’t look at him. Jaebum never looks at him these days. Jinyoung hadn’t bothered to ask. He gave him the space he needed because he thought he was still hung up about turning Jackson. But it turns out he’s been hung up about something else too.

“Um… Okay?” Jackson looks at the both of them before heading out of there, with Mark still standing by the doorway.

The moment the door closes behind him, Jinyoung tosses the blood bag he found on the bed.

Jaebum stops bandaging the bite mark on his wrist as he stares at the blood bag.

“Now I know why you haven’t been feeding on me.” Jinyoung says to him. He wants to sound angry. Because he is angry. He’s angry at Jaebum for a lot of things.

But he can’t. He doesn’t even sound close to being angry. He only sounds hurt.

“Does that taste better than me, hyung?” Jinyoung asks. Jaebum still isn’t looking at him.

“I’m starting to think that I wasn’t enough, for you to be feeding on something else.” Jinyoung continues. “Or were youtired of the same old bland taste you’ve been getting from me? Which one is it?”

Jaebum looks at him then. “Jinyoung-ah,”

Jinyoung cuts him off. “I’m not finished. You were going to leave, weren’t you?”

Jaebum’s jaw tightens at that.

“That day.” Jinyoung accuses. “I saw the bag. I saw the clothes. All those blood bags underneath. You weren’t picking up your phone. You were going to leave. And you weren’t going to tell any of us.”

Jinyoung waits. He waits for Jaebum to deny all of this. He waits for Jaebum to tell him he has it all wrong. He was never going to leave. He could never leave. _I love you. I’d never leave you. I could never leave all of you._ Jinyoung waits for him to say all those things.

But Jaebum only stands there with guilt written all over his face and Jinyoung wants to chuck things at him, hurt him, because Jinyoung feels like he’s being punched in the gut.

“You’re not even going to deny it?” Jinyoung asks, his voice coming off small now. He hates that he feels like this.

“Jinyoung-ah-”

_“You weren’t even going to say goodbye?!”_

Jaebum is a blurry vision now with all the tears in Jinyoung’s eyes. He doesn’t want to cry. He doesn’t want Jaebum to see him like this or even hear him like this. Fuck Im Jaebum for breaking his heart. 

“Did you even think, for one second, about Bambam and Yugyeom?” Jinyoung glares at him through his tears. “Did you even think about Jackson? Or Mark hyung? Or - _god_ \- hyung, did you even think about Youngjae?”

Jaebum looks away at that but Jinyoung catches the tears in his eyes too. Jinyoung doesn’t care.

“Did you even think about _me_?” Jinyoung asks. “What I’d do if you left?”

He can’t believe Jaebum would even consider leaving all of them in the first place. 

“I could understand the blood bags. I really do.” Jinyoung breathes. “But was it so easy? To just pack up your things and go without saying so much as a goodbye?”

 _“No! It wasn’t!”_ Jaebum turns to him, eyes flaring with anger. _“I thought about every single one of you before I left! And it was so fucking hard!”_

Jinyoung shakes his head, covering his mouth as a sob escapes him. Jaebum would never hurt him on purpose. He always believed in that.

And yet, he’s hurting him now. Hurting him so much more than all those bruises he gave him.

Hands cup his face and Jaebum is there so close to him that Jinyoung wants to sink in his hold. He loves him. He loves him so much. But being with him right now hurts.

“I had to leave.” Jaebum whispers through his sobs. “I didn’t want to hurt any of you.”

Jinyoung shoves him away. Jaebum keeps his head down as Jinyoung only looks at him, betrayed.

“Too late.” Jinyoung says.

He heads for the door. But he does turn to look at him one last time.

“You know me better than anyone else.” He says. Jaebum raises his head up to look at him. And though it tugs at Jinyoung’s heart to find his eyes glistening with tears, he still stands his ground.

“I do.” Jaebum answers.

“Then you would know I’m tougher than I look.” Jinyoung says. “You wanted to leave me because you didn’t want to hurt me?” Jinyoung shakes his head. “You should’ve given me more credit, Im Jaebum.”

“I know.” Jaebum nods, looking at the ground. “I know. And that’s why I left. Because I knew you’d be okay. You’re that tough, Jinyoung-ah.”

That wasn’t what Jinyoung wanted to hear at all. But he doesn’t say anything more because being in the same room with Jaebum hurts. 

He heads out of there, wishing he hadn’t opened that duffel bag in the first place.

 

 

 

Jaebum should’ve kept that duffel bag in the first place.

He should’ve taken it out from the car. He should’ve gotten rid of it, kept it, dealt with it. Because now…

He’s hurt Jinyoung more than he ever has his whole life. 

He never wanted that to happen. He wanted to leave because he thought he was doing everyone a favor. But why does it all feel so wrong now?

Jinyoung hasn’t talked to him in days. Jaebum didn’t expect him to. He’s hurt him. That much is clear.

Jaebum isn’t even trying to fix it. Not because he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t know how or if there’s anything left to fix. He’s dealing with a lot of things at the moment. He’s still making sure Jackson is in control of himself. He’s still a leader of a group. He’s still the hyung. He’s keeping everything in check that Jaebum just doesn’t know where to start if he wanted to fix things.

More importantly, he’s not even sure if Jinyoung will ever forgive him.

The rest heard what went on that day. It’s no secret that Jaebum left them. The walls of Jaebum’s room were thin enough for everyone to hear all the yelling.

But if anyone is mad at him, they don’t show it. Bambam and Youngjae never bring it up. Yugyeom still hangs out with him. Jackson doesn’t talk to him about it but he is pissed at Jaebum for hurting Jinyoung. Jaebum can tell. He bit him too hard the other day while he was feeding him.

Mark tried talking to Jinyoung. He said it was his fault too for allowing Jaebum to leave. He told Jinyoung about the truce. He told him him had a part in it too. Mark told Jinyoung that he shouldn’t be so hard on him. But that only ended with Jinyoung angry at Mark as well because “The two of you don’t get to decide what’s best for me,” he said.

Jaebum feels like he’s a walking shell of someone else these days. He’s too tired. Keeping up with Jackson is exhausting although he doesn’t regret spending every waking moment with him. They’re still grounded and on hiatus but that doesn’t mean they’re allowed to slack off. They’re still composing and practicing and getting bombarded with deadlines.

He’s still drinking from blood bags for sustenance. But afterwards, when he’s done drinking, all he feels is guilt. He thinks of the younger ones and what they probably think of him now. He thinks of Jinyoung and the taste of someone else’s blood on his lips and it no longer feels satisfying.

It’s Youngjae who drags him out for some fresh air one afternoon.

“Will we be staying long?” Jaebum asks, checking the time on his phone as Youngjae drags him down on the bench. They’re at their dorm building’s rooftop. They can’t leave their dorm still so this is the only place they can escape to.

But Jaebum already wants to head back. He’s thinking of Jackson back in the living room hanging out with Bambam. He fed him just before they left. But Jaebum is still anxious about leaving him with the rest. He trusts Jackson. But it’s the monster inside him he doesn’t trust.

“Long enough for you to take a break.” Youngjae stretches his arms. “You look awful, hyung.”

He feels awful. Jaebum sits there silently, a million things running through his mind. Jinyoung. Jackson. The rest of them. What the group is going through right now. How long the company is going to punish them for. Will they have everything back to the way it was.

“You’re doing it again, hyung.” Youngjae speaks up, snapping Jaebum out of his thoughts.

“What?” Jaebum asks. “What am I doing?”

“Thinking.” Youngjae replies.

Jaebum doesn’t understand why Youngjae dragged him here. He gets that he needs fresh air. But he doesn’t understand why Youngjae would want to hang out with him.

“Aren’t you angry at me?” Jaebum finds himself asking. It just feels strange to him. Jinyoung isn’t talking to him. He’s sure Bambam and Yugyeom probably feel a bit differently towards him ever since he found out he was going to leave them. Surely Youngjae feels the same way?

“Angry? What for?”

What for?

“Youngjae-ah,” Jaebum starts. “I left. I left you. I left all of you.”

“But you came back.” Youngjae shrugs at how simple that is. He then smiles at him. That bright smile Jaebum misses. “That’s the only thing that matters, hyung.”

Jaebum wonders how he deserved such a friend, a younger brother, like Youngjae.

“Some people don’t seem to think so.” Jaebum replies. He thinks of Jinyoung and how betrayed he looked. He thinks of Jackson, caught in the middle of not wanting to speak his mind about things since he’s not one to take sides. 

Youngjae continues to stare at him before sitting up straight in his seat.

“Let’s play a game.” He says.

Jaebum blinks at him. “Now?”

“Yes. Now.” Youngjae insists. “It’s an easy game. My sister taught it to me.” Youngjae clears his throat. “Basically, what I’m going to do is ask you questions, and all you have to do is answer yes or no.”

Jaebum makes a face at him.

“What kind of a game is that?”

“It’s to help sort out what you’re thinking.” Youngjae explains. 

“I thought you were getting me to stop thinking.”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t seem like it’s working.” Youngjae replies. “Come on, hyung. Play with me.”

Jaebum chuckles. “Alright.”

“And you have to answer honestly.” Youngjae eyes him.

“How will you know it’s not an honest answer?”

“I trust you, hyung.”

Jaebum finds that word so foreign to him now. Trust. After everything he did, Youngjae still trusts him. 

Nevertheless, Jaebum agrees. “Okay.

“Great!” Youngjae beams. “Okay. First, are you hungry?”

Jaebum waits for him to go on. “For…?”

“Anything. Blood. Ramyeon. A burger.”

Not so much for blood, Jaebum thinks. But food… “Yes.” Jaebum answers. “I miss having ramyeon.”

“Are you tired?” Youngjae asks

“I can’t afford to be tired, Youngjae. I’m not done with the composition. I still have the first verse to write and the bridge-”

“Hyung, yes or no.” Youngjae grins.

Jaebum nods. “Yes.”

“Do you want to head back and sleep?”

Jaebum honestly thinks about this. He’s tired. But he likes spending time with Youngjae.

“No.”

“Is Jackson hyung a better roommate than me?”

Jaebum laughs. “No. He snores. And bites now too”

Youngjae’s laugh fill the rooftop and that makes Jaebum relax a little.

“Have you and Mark hyung really patched things up?”

“Yes.”

“How about you and Jinyoung hyung?”

Jaebum sighs. “No.”

“Do youwant to patch things up with him?”

“Yes. Of course I do.”

“Have you _tried_ patching things up with him?” Youngjae asks.

Jaebum thinks about Jinyoung’s hurt face. He thinks about how angry he still is. Jaebum also thinks about the amount of work he has to do and he doesn’t know where to start.

“No.”

Youngjae pauses for a while, thinking of something to ask.

“Do you want to break up with him?”

Break up with Jinyoung. The thought leaves a nasty unpleasant feeling in his stomach. They haven’t broken up yet. But that’s where all this is going. He can feel it.

“No. I don’t want to break up with him.” Jaebum answers. But if Jinyoung wants to, he’ll say yes. He has no right to keep him when he’s hurt him a lot.

Youngjae pauses again before asking him another round of questions.

“Did you ever want to leave in the first place?”

Jaebum thinks this is easy. “No.”

“Did you leave because you thought it was the right thing to do?”

“Yes.” He answers.

“Did you leave because you didn’t want to hurt any of us?

“Yes.”

“Are you going to leave again?”

Jaebum finds he can’t answer this with a yes or no.

“I… I don’t know.” Jaebum looks at him apologetic. “Youngjae, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t answer yes or no, hyung.”

Jaebum stops to think about it. He can’t leave now. Jackson still needs to be taught things. He also needs to stay for everyone’s safety.

“No.” He finally answers. “I’m not leaving… for now.”

“Fair enough. Are you staying because of Jackson hyung?”

Jaebum thinks Youngjae can read his mind. “Yes.”

“Are you staying for the rest of us too?”

“Yes.”

Youngjae taps his fingers on his thigh.

“Do you feel like you’re letting the group down?”

“Yes.” The answer slips from Jaebum’s lips. He hadn’t meant to answer that so easily. He never admitted that thought to anyone else. 

“Do you think you’re not good enough for all of us?” Youngjae asks.

Something nags at Jaebum. He wants to answer no. He doesn’t want anyone to know how he feels. But Jaebum feels so tired all of a sudden. Tired of lying. Tired of holding everything in.

“Yes.” Jaebum answers. He sees Youngjae frown at that.

“Do you honestly think that, hyung?”

“Yes.” Jaebum answers quietly this time as he stares at his feet. “I think that all of you are better off without me.”

He’s not looking for sympathy. He’s not looking for Youngjae to tell him otherwise.

Oddly enough, he’s just being honest. And saying that out loud feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

“Do you know what kind of person you are?” Youngjae asks.

Jaebum nods. “Yes.”

“Is it the bad kind?”

“Yes.”

“Is it because of the thing inside you? Is that what’s making you think you’re a bad person?”

Jaebum ponders about this for a moment. “Yes. And no… It’s just… I’ve hurt a lot of people. Not because I’m a monster but because of the decisions I make… Of who I am…

Youngjae pauses and that’s when Jaebum realizes he’s trembling. He just admitted so much to Youngjae and he’s scared and relieved at the same time.

“Hyung, do you know that Bambam and Yugyeom are glad you came back?”

Jaebum didn’t know that. “No.”

“Do you know that I’m glad you came back?”

Jaebum gives Youngjae a small smile. “No.”

“Do you know that Jackson hyung said he’s willing to get bitten all over again if you ever try to leave?”

Jaebum’s eyes widen at this. “He wasn’t serious, was he?”

Youngjae nods his head. “Dead serious. Mark hyung smacked him for it.”

Jaebum stares at the ground. “No. I didn’t know that.”

“Do you know that Mark hyung would never know how to be a hyung if you weren’t around?”

“No.” Jaebum answers, surprised at that. Mark is a great hyung. How would he have learned all that from him when he’s fucked up countless times?

“It’s true. He told me that once.” Youngjae smiles before he continues. 

“Do you know that Jinyoung hyung worries about you?”

Jaebum gives a sad smile. “After what happened, I don’t think he’d ever think of me again.”

Youngjae brushes his arm with his, making him look at him. “He still does. He dropped by the office’s clinic today-”

“Is he okay?” Jaebum asks quickly. Youngjae nods.

“He’s fine. He just dropped by to ask how much it would cost to have blood bags delivered to our dorm every month for you.”

Jaebum stares at Youngjae in disbelief. 

Why? Why would Jinyoung do that? Jinyoung hates him. Jaebum hurt hum. Why would Jinyoung still look out for him like that?

“You don’t believe me?” Youngjae chuckles. “I went with him today. Whoever’s supplying you with all those blood bags can stop now. You’re getting a regular delivery starting next month. Company’s sponsoring.”

Jaebum can’t believe this. Surely Jinyoung wouldn’t care about him anymore. Surely Jinyoung wouldn’t want anything to do with him.

“Hyung,” Youngjae places a hand atop his. “Do you know that there are a lot of people out there who wants to take care of you?”

Jaebum looks at Youngjae. “No.”

“Do you know that it’s okay for someone to take care of you? That there are people who don’t think that taking care of you, protecting you and keeping you safe, consider it a chore?”

Jaebum can’t breathe. Youngjae’s words are hitting him hard. This doesn’t feel like a game anymore.

“Do you know that you don’t have to pretend to be okay all the time?” Youngjae continues. “That you can tell us what you feel and that’s okay?”

Jaebum tries to keep his tears at bay. But he can’t and Jaebum is furiously wiping his face, only because he’s afraid of letting Youngjae see this side of him. He’s the hyung. He shouldn’t be so weak.

But Youngjae slowly takes his hands and laces his fingers with his. Jaebum looks at him and is greeted with Youngjae smiling warmly at him.

“Do you know that it’s okay to cry? Because it really is, hyung. There doesn’t have to be a reason for it.”

Jaebum can’t take it anymore as he lowers his head and lets the relief, the pain, the exhaustion, _everyhing_ he’s feeling at the moment, consume him. Youngjae is holding his hands really tightly, letting him know he’s there. And he’s glad he’s there with him. He’s so glad to have him by his side.

“Hyung, it’s okay to be afraid, or happy, or sad.” Youngjae tells him. “It’s okay to be tired and broken. What’s not okay is you bottling up all of this.”>/p>

“I don’t know how…” Jaebum breathes. “I don’t know how to be…”

“Honest?” Youngjae squeezes his hand. “It is hard. Remember when I kept on telling you I didn’t feel like I was a great singer?”

Jaebum nods.

“I still feel that way sometimes.” Youngjae shrugs. “ And then I tell my sister about it. I tell Jackson hyung about it. I tell Jinyoung hyung. I tell you.”

Jaebum smiles at him through his tears. “I wish I could be honest like that.”

“Then why don’t you try?” 

Because he’s afraid. He’s so fucking afraid of being honest, of being seen as weak. He’s the hyung. The leader. He’s Im Jaebum.

But then staring at Youngjae, smiling there, holding his hand and just sitting there with him made him realize that he’s also his friend. He has friends. Friends who genuinely care about him. Like the way Youngjae is just here right now. Like the way everyone else is taking care of him even if Jaebum did things that have hurt them.

He has friends. 

He has a family.

“I don’t know where to start.” Jaebum admits. Saying that out loud feels like he’s breathing after being underwater for so long. It feels so good to be able to breathe like this. 

“We start with the simple ones.” Youngjae stands up, pulling him up with him.

“The simple ones?” Jaebum asks.

“You said you were hungry. So let’s go get ramyeon.” Youngjae beams. “And then, when we come back, you can start by telling Jinyoung hyung you’re sorry.”

“Youngjae, he’ll never forgive-”

“Uh-uh.” Youngjae wags his finger at him. “Try, hyung.”

Jaebum finds himself genuinely smiling at that thought.

Try.

Jaebum is scared. Jinyoung might not forgive him. He might not even listen to him.

But Youngjae said to try. He’ll do that. He’ll try and take his chances.

So Jaebum starts with the simplest thing he’s capable of doing.

He breathes.


	18. Let Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling in love just... happens.

There isn’t a formula to falling in love.

It just happens. There’s no presumed time or date. It’s not like the weather one can predict although if truth be told, weather forecasts are just as inaccurate as falling in love. The difference is that there’s technology and science behind predicting the weather whereas falling in love just… happens.

And in Mark’s case, it happens.

Not instantly. In fact, it took years. Years of being blinded by someone else when all along, it had been Jackson he was in love with. Not Jinyoung.

How?

Mark buys Jinyoung stuff and they’re all in black when that’s Jackson’s favorite color. Not Jinyoung’s. Mark drags Jinyoung to dimsum or some soup place or noodle place when those are his and Jackson’s favorites. Not Jinyoung’s. Mark sometimes gets carried away and speaks in Mandarin to Jinyoung when he’s excited when that’s Jackson’s language. Not Jinyoung's. Mark introduces Jinyoung to his favorite hip hop songs when those are Jackson’s jams. Not Jinyoung’s. Mark buys everyone ice cream and picks vanilla for Jinyoung when that’s Jackson’s favorite flavor. Not Jinyoung’s.

So one can actually figure out who Mark has in his head 24/7. Definitely not Jinyoung.

But these are all such small things. One cannot say that this is already Mark in love with Jackson just from ice cream flavors to choices of songs and food. Because Mark does think Jinyoung is beautiful and handsome inside and out and he did feel a certain way for Jinyoung throughout the years.

But it has always been Jackson first. Just that Mark is a little oblivious and too slow to pick up on things.

So when did Mark finally realize it was Jackson? What was the trigger? What gave it all away?

It’s something so simple. It gradually started during one of those days. Their hiatus was lifted and they were all preparing for their album. Their comeback is in a few days and everyone was busy getting ready and at the same time, looking after Jackson because this is his first time to be exposed to so many people after being bitten. 

Their choreography is arranged in a way that has Jackson within Jaebum’s reach should he feel the need to take him out of there fast. Their positions during interviews or photoshoots has Jackson to the sides should the need for him to excuse himself rose. Fans are grateful for JYPE for assigning more bodyguards and new decent managers for the boys when in fact, it was for the fans’ safety, not for GOT7. Basically, their whole album promotions are centered to making Jackson feel as comfortable as possible and within a safe distance so as not to hurt fans and other people out there.

Obviously Jackson finds this a burden since all he wants is for everyone to enjoy this comeback. He even suggested on skipping out on this album, have the company release some statement that the “car accident” has left some trauma and he’s still recovering. But the rest of them won’t promote if one is missing. It’s not the same, they said. 7 or never. 7 or nothing. Jinyoung reminded him of his own words.

So they promote. And Jackson is always sweating buckets, always smiling consciously, always laughing a little louder or finding something to do with his hands. Because he wants to lunge at the camera man for smelling so good. He wants to tear out the MC’s skin and have her blood on his hands where he can lick it off his fingers. He wants to taste every single fan out there because their excitement is intoxicating and it’s smothering him whole.

It’s Youngjae who always has a hand on his back, ready to grab a hold of him should he step any closer towards them. It’s Yugyeom who uses his towering figure to block Jackson’s view of the fans so he doesn’t get lost in that delicious sight. It’s Bambam who talks more than he’s used to, to hide the fact that Jackson is too quiet. It’s Jaebum and Jinyoung who answer all the group’s questions and steer them away from anything related to Jackson.

As for Mark, he makes sure Jackson’s busy holding on to something. Just to distract him from curling his knuckles and digging his fingernails in his palms. Just so Jackson doesn’t draw any attention to the way he keeps on fidgeting and playing with his fingers.

Mark makes sure Jackson is holding on to his hands, where Mark always squeezes and assures him everything is going to be fine.

Jackson doesn’t like touching Mark but he has no choice. He has to touch Mark or else he’d claw out the camera man, the MC, other groups nearby or the fans. Of course, there’s also the danger of hurting Mark. But it doesn’t come to that. It never does. Somehow, Jackson has enough self control, even if he is on the tipping point of his sanity, not to hurt him.

By the end of it all though, Jackson hurriedly lets go of his hand. And if Mark is hurt by that, he doesn’t show it.

That goes on for awhile. Because Mark is stubborn and will never give up on Jackson and is adamant to have what they used to have back again. It doesn’t matter if Jackson avoids him or doesn’t look his way. It doesn’t matter that they haven’t talked to each other in a very long time. Mark trusts that whatever they used to have, it’s still there. And nothing - not even Jackson turning into something else - can make Mark look at him differently. Jackson is _his_ friend. Jackson is _his_ special person.

<>Of course Jackson warms up to him. Eventually. Keeping up this facade can be taxing on his part when all he wants to do is just go home and lock himself in his room and sleep just so he doesn’t feel so hungry and deranged. It was only a matter of time for Jackson to loosen up.

And day by day, Jackson relaxes and loosens the tight hold he has on himself. He isn’t aware of it. But gradually, Youngjae doesn’t have to hold him back anymore and Bambam doesn’t have to talk so much. Yugyeom doesn’t have to block him off from the crowd. Jackson can even wave at the fans now. Jaebum and Jinyoung don’t have to answer his questions for him either. 

And slowly, Jackson relaxes under Mark’s touch. He doesn’t sit there so stiffly with Mark’s hand in his. He even squeezed his hand back once, but Jackson wasn’t aware he did. Mark pretends that little return of affection goes unnoticed and only smiled to himself afterwards.

Jackson slowly warms up to all of them. But he’s still distant. So Mark does what he can to bring them closer without making it seem too obvious.

Mark blasts his favorite songs through the dorms so Jackson gets a bad case of Last Song Syndrome and starts singing them too. Mark then grabs the chance to sing, or rap, with him as he’s passing by. Mark always resists the urge to laugh out loud whenever he spots Jackson recollecting himself or trying his best not to sing when it’s obvious he wants to since he’s humming the tune already.

Mark brings his favorite food home. Though Jackson doesn’t need to eat them, Mark still orders in his favorites and gathers all of them for dinner. Jaebum joins in, because he’s trying this thing out to be more honest with himself and one of those is to spend more time with them, especially with Jinyoung. So they all eat in one table, with Jackson occasionally eating some of the food and just sitting there and listening and laughing to everyone else’s talks.

Mark always tells jokes. And Mark is the worst at making jokes. He’s always lame and cheesy and filled with puns that Youngjae has to tell him to stop sometimes because he’s laughing way too hard while eating. But Mark doesn’t stop. He keeps on making bad puns until he hears Jackson laughing to himself at Mark’s lame lines.

Mark calls Jackson’s parents up and talks to them loudly on the phone. Jackson has no choice now but to join him on the couch so he can talk to his parents while Mark is there. At first when the call ends, Jackson leaves Mark without a word and heads to his room. But these days, Jackson bids him a goodnight or “I’m heading in first” before he leaves. It’s not much. But Mark likes that he acknowledges his presence now.

Mark tucks Jackson in when he sees him sleeping on the couch after a day of practice. He doesn’t tell Jackson it was him who brought him pillows and blankets but Jackson finds out anyway just from Mark’s scent on his sheets. 

It’s these little things. All these things Mark does just so he can bring himself closer to Jackson again. Because he misses him. Because he truly wants him to be comfortable in his own skin again. Because he doesn’t want him to feel like a monster the way Jaebum always believes his kind to be. He misses the way Jackson spends so much time with him. He misses the things they used to do together. He misses the talks, the laughs and the comfortable quiet. He misses Jackson being himself. 

Mark misses _his_ Jackson.

Jackson misses him too. He likes the choice of songs Mark blasts throughout the dorms. He likes having his favorite food at home and even if he doesn’t eat them, he likes just having the members all gathered around every night. Jackson thinks Mark’s lame puns are the best. Jackson likes that his parents don’t seem to worry about him much because Mark keeps them up to date on what’s happening with him.

And Mark’s scent no longer consumes him as much as it did the first time he went home after he turned. It still clouds his thoughts. It still makes him lust over him. But some days, Mark’s scent is sweet. And those days, Jackson basks in it. Because that scent seems safe. That scent makes Jackson feel a little less like a monster.

Jackson misses Mark just as much too.

“You asked me once if we were okay,” Jackson says to him one night. After Jackson bids his parents a good bye and Mark waves at them before the video call ends. There isn’t anyone left in the living room since they’re all in their own bedrooms winding down after a long day.

Mark had stood up from the couch to leave the room when Jackson stopped him.

“And you said we were.” Mark replies in the quiet of the room. He’s surprised Jackson would initiate this kind of conversation with him but he’s also glad he started it.

“We were,” Jackson answers. He’s not looking at Mark but at a spot on the coffee table. “Only that I made you feel like we weren’t, haven’t I?”

And because Mark has always been honest with him, he tells him yes.

“If I said I was sorry, would you still forgive me?” Jackson asks.

“Come on, Jackson.” Mark sits back on the couch next to him and nudges him playfully on his side. “It’s you. Why wouldn’t I forgive you?”

Jackson still doesn’t look at him. But he does turn his head slightly to the side to let Mark know he’s listening.

“You’re not even going to ask why?”

Mark ponders about this for a moment. “If you’re not comfortable with telling me why, you don’t have to.”

“I want to tell you. Well, just the closest and honest answer I can give. Only because it’s you.”

Mark smiles to himself at that. Trust. They still have it.

“Then why? Why avoid me so much? Why push me away all the time?”

“Because I can’t be in the same room with you without wanting to…” Jackson doesn’t finish his sentence. But Mark thinks he knows what he means.

“Hurt me?” 

“Something like that.” Jackson sighs. 

”You’re not telling me the whole story.” Mark notices. “But is that the closest and honest answer?”

“Yes.” Jackson smiles sadly at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

Mark should’ve known that it had nothing to do with Jackson just being angry at him. He shouldn’t have entertained thoughts of Jackson just ignoring him for no reason. Whatever Jackson isn’t telling him, Mark can wait.

“Is it something I’m doing or…?” Mark asks.

“It’s more of the scent humans give off.” Jackson explains. “Human blood somehow makes us lightheaded and out of control. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”

“But you talk to Bambam, Yugyeom, Youngjae and Jinyoung just fine.”

Jackson chuckles at that, a dry choked off chuckle. “Yeah well, their scents don’t hit me as hard compared to yours.”

Mark frowns. “So it is something I’m doing then?”

“No, it’s not. It’s just me. Really.” Jackson gives a small smile. “I’m sorry I can’t look at you either. It helps.”

“Oh. So right now, i’m making you… “

Jackson nods. “Yes.”

Mark looks at his friend and wishes he can do something. He’s not scared of him. Not even close to running away from him. Mark just wants nothing more than to alleviate the pain he’s feeling. Because Jackson looks miserable. Is this what Jaebum used to feel like? Is that why he used to shut himself off all the time?

Jackson, noticing how quiet Mark has become, speaks up. “If you’re scared of me now, it’s okay. I can totally understand-”

Mark nudges him on his ribs again, making sure it’s hard enough for him to feel. Jackson winces at that.

“Ya. One more of that and I’ll really dig my elbow in.” Mark says. “Of course I’m not scared of you, Jackson. I never will be.”

Jackson smiles as he stares at the ground. “Thank you.”

Mark wishes he could hug him then. He wishes he could return all the hugs Jackson has given him in the past. Just so Jackson doesn’t have to feel so little and alone like this.

But he can’t. Because he understands now what Jackson feels. Mark’s presence makes him uncomfortable. Something to do with his scent…

An idea comes to him then. An idea so strong that Mark acts on it early the next morning. He doesn’t stop thinking about it. He even loses sleep over it. He heads to the convenience store and buys all the stuff he needs and then rushes back to the dorm hoping Jackson hasn’t woken up yet. He prepares everything then, takes a shower, gets dressed and starts acting upon his idea and waits for everyone else to wake up.

It’s Yugyeom who comments on it first.

“What is that smell?” Yugyeom wrinkles his nose as he plops himself down on one of the dining chairs for breakfast. “It’s like a bunch if flowers exploded in here.”

Mark doesn’t say anything but smiles to himself as he eats his cereal. Bambam and Youngjae follow right after, making gagging noises at how the whole dorm smells like.

_“Lavender Vanilla and Comfort?”_

Jinyoung picks up the empty can of Febreeze and throws Mark a look. “You could’ve just opened the windows if you thought the whole place stinks.”

Mark chuckles. “It’s not for you guys.” 

Jinyoung is about to ask who is it for then when Jaebum and Jackson emerge from their room.

“Morning everyone.” Jackson yawns then stops in his tracks as he sniffs the air. “What is that awful smell?”

Jaebum follows suit. “Yeah, what is that?”

“Lavender Vanilla and Comfort.” Yugyeom reads out loud as he takes the can from Jinyoung. “Mark hyung did it.”

Yugyeom points to Mark but he’s no longer in his spot as he’s already in Jackson’s face, grinning excitedly at him.

“How is it?”

Jackson steps back to blink at him. 

“Can you still smell our scents now?” Mark asks him.

Jackson takes a moment to himself and then sniffs the air around him.

“Oh.” His eyes widen. “I can but it’s not as…”

Jaebum does the same thing too. “Yeah. It’s strange. All your scents are confusing now.”

“But is it enough for you not to… You know. Go out of control?” Mark asks.

Jackson nods. “It’s… safe.”

Mark beams at that. He’s glad his little experiment worked. 

“As helpful as this is though, the whole dorm smells strongly of Febreeze and this isn’t healthy.” Jaebum says. Beside him, Youngjae’s already sneezing. Even Bambam’s eyes are watering as he tries to keep himself from sneezing too.

“Thanks.” Jackson smiles apologetically at Mark. “But Jaebum hyung’s right. It’s okay. I can manage-”

“No, wait! I have one more thing!” Mark excitedly pats his pocket and takes out the thing he bought. He then unwraps it and puts it on Jackson’s nose himself.

It’s Youngjae and Yugyeom who burst out laughing at the sight of Jackson with a bright green nose clip on. Jinyoung shakes his head in amusement and Jaebum chuckles under his breath. Bambam is already taking a few photos of how he looks and keeping it on his phone.

“There.” Mark asks, stepping back to look at him. “Can you still smell our scents?”

Jackson makes a face. “Of course I can’t. I can’t even breathe!”

“Perfect!” Mark grins and everyone around him laughs.

And that was it. That was the trigger. Jackson laughing with a nose clip on looking so ridiculous. Mark stands there, taking this strange sight in. His grin disappears very slowly on his face, because he hasn’t seen Jackson this happy in a very long while and something funny is happening inside him. Like that time a bucket of cold water was dumped on his head from one of their pool games. But at the same time, it’s like sitting in front of that bonfire during their member trainings. He feels cold and warm all over. Not to mention, there’s something fluttering in his chest.

The image and what he’s feeling just seared into his head. Jackson laughing. Jackson looking ridiculous. Jackson always does ridiculous things. But this was different. This is Mark’s doing and Jackson looks genuinely happy because of something he did.

And right then and there, Mark wants to make Jackson happy all the time. He wants to be the one to make him happy. He wants Jackson to laugh at his jokes and at all the ridiculous things Mark makes him do. Because Jackson being happy make him happy. Mark is so confused and so happy at a such a small thing that he doesn’t understand what’s going on.

After that, everything just turns strange.

Whenever Mark sees Jackson, he feels himself blush like an idiot. Whenever Jackson leans to whisper in his ear, Mark’s heart starts racing. Jackson wears the nose clips on during V Live and rehearsals and Mark finds that ridiculously sweet. When Jackson holds his hand, Mark’s palms start sweating. It’s strange. It’s a nice kind of strange but it’s still very confusing.

He realizes what it is a few weeks later. When he thinks of Jackson smiling and how he’d like to kiss him right there. And that thought just hit him and made him stay up one night, knowing full well he’s fallen for his best friend. 

But he can never tell him. Because it’s Jackson. Because he’s exactly his best friend. Because Mark would rather Jackson be his friend than someone who’d reject him and avoid him for the rest of his life.

Because Jackson is Mark’s special person and he can never risk losing his best friend over something so selfish like being in love.

But he should’ve. Mark should’ve told him.

Because Jackson’s been waiting for him all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i shouldve warned this from the start but this whole fic isn't beta-ed. I just wrote it all down without checking for grammars, typos, past tense shifting into present tense, etc. So if you find a lot of mistakes, which I know there are, it's because I didn't check.   
> \- this fic is literally my word vomit


	19. JJP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJP

Winning Jinyoung back isn’t easy. For starters, Jinyoung doesn’t even seem to want Jaebum back. Jinyoung doesn’t talk to him or look at him. Jinyoung doesn’t even stay in the same room as him unless it’s having meals or they’re rehearsing and doing interviews wherein they need to be in one room. But Jaebum just doesn’t know whether Jinyoung wants to get back together again or not.

It was always hard to read him. Even after years of being together, Jaebum still can’t figure some parts of Jinyoung out. That was the thing he loved about him. How he always managed to surprise him. But he can’t seem to appreciate not being able to read him at a time like this when he wants to know what exactly is he thinking.

He’s not rushing things. Jaebum understands the gravity of what he did. He left all of them. That wasn’t exactly forgivable. But he’s taken Youngjae’s advice to start doing the easiest bit. To be honest. To speak his mind. To do stuff he’s comfortable with and to say no when he doesn’t want things. He’s being honest and so far, it’s all taken a really nice turn. Except when it comes to Jinyoung.

There’s no perfect time or place to talk to him. Their comebacks have made them all very busy. There’s never a moment where they’re left alone. He still needs to have Jackson by his side most of the time so he can’t really leave him by himself.

But then again, he doesn’t know how to talk to Jinyoung. He gets nervous and scared. He’s talked to Youngjae about it and Youngjae said to just flat out tell him what he feels. But it’s not that easy.

He talks to Jinyoung when the need arises. Like keeping everyone up to date with work schedules. But that’s it. Jinyoung keeps things professional between them but there’s always a very clear line Jaebum feels he can’t cross.

Jaebum also knows he has to ditch the blood bags if he wants Jinyoung to forgive him.

The company provides him with blood bags every two weeks or so. The monster inside Jaebum is at peace because of Jaebum constantly feeding himself. He gets drained sometimes when Jackson feeds from him. But other than that, he’s doing fine. There hasn’t been any violent episodes and nothing is trying to break out of his skin demanding for sustenance.

But drinking from blood bags makes him feel uncomfortable. Like he’s cheating on Jinyoung for some reason. Although it shouldn’t feel that way when it was Jinyoung who provided him these blood bags in the first place.

Jaebum has no donor now. He doubts Jinyoung can even feel him anymore. But he doesn’t care about that. All he cares about is just wanting to get back together or mend whatever’s left of their relationship.

It doesn’t happen. Their comebacks make it impossible to deal with personal things at the moment. So Jaebum only looks at Jinyoung from afar, always watching over him and everyone else, always making sure they’re well taken cared of and nothing is amiss.

For now, he’s contented with that.

“You really need to talk to him.” Jackson tells him one night after rehearsals and they’re left behind to polish a few things.

“I know.” Jaebum replies. “I’m just trying to find the perfect time to do so.”

“Hyung, there is no perfect time. Just talk to him.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“If you want, I can lock you both up in a room.” Jackson suggests. Jaebum throws him a look to which Jackson only responds with a shrug. Jaebum doesn’t even doubt he’d do that.

But there’s something about waiting and just looking at Jinyoung from afar that makes Jaebum realize a lot of things. That Jinyoung can fend for himself and Jaebum doesn’t really need to protect him. That Jinyoung can stand on his own two feet and Jaebum doesn’t always have to hover around him. That Jinyoung is scared of nothing, not even the monsters luring around them and there’s a high chance he was never scared of Jaebum from the start, something Jaebum always thought about.

That Jinyoung is indeed tough. And Jaebum should’ve given him more credit.

And that makes Jaebum fall in love with him even more. To know someone as amazing as Jinyoung existed. And he knows he’ll never find someone like him ever again.

Which leads to him finally muster up the courage to talk to him. Because every waking moment is important and Jaebum really wants to fix things between them.

He grabs the opportunity one night. Everyone is in the dorm but Jinyoung is in his room alone. Everyone has pushed him over the last few weeks to talk to him and he’s finally going to do it. 

Knocking on his door sends his heart racing in dread. But before he can even think any more of it, Jinyoung calls out for him to come in.

Jinyoung just finished showering and is in his pyjamas all ready for bed. Jaebum doesn’t step inside at first. He just peeks his head in to check if it’s really alright for him to come in if Jinyoung knew who knocked.

“It’s me.” Jaebum says. Jinyoung doesn’t seem to mind that it’s him.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Can I come in?”

Jinyoung nods, motioning to the bed for him to sit while he dries his hair. Jaebum sits on the edge of it, feeling awkward even if he’s been here dozens of times.

“You needed something hyung?” Jinyoung asks, sitting beside him, pulling his legs in a cross sitting position as he starts fixing all his drama scripts all laid out by his side.

“I kind of wanted to talk to you.”

“Is it for the show tomorrow? Because Yugyeom already told me the schedule was moved an hour earlier.”

“No, I’m… I’m here to talk about us.” 

That seemed to have gotten Jinyoung’s attention as he stops gathering all the scripts in his arms. Jaebum’s heart is pounding in his chest as he tries to hold Jinyoung’s gaze. He doesn’t seem angry. He doesn’t seem pleased either. Jaebum can’t read him at all.

“I’m trying this thing out where I’m going to be honest about a lot of stuff.” Jaebum starts. “One of them is to tell you that i’m sorry.” Jaebum looks at his hands. “But I know you’ve heard that a lot of times already.”

“I have.” Jinyoung replies, putting the scripts back down on the bed. “Tell me another thing I don’t know.”

“I want to fix things with you.” Jaebum says. “I don’t know how but I want to.”

Jaebum looks at him, expecting to find him angry. But Jinyoung doesn’t look like he is. 

“It’s not so easy to fix.” He answers. “You left us. You left me.”

Jaebum feels a painful tug of guilt in his chest at that.

“I know.”

He was wrong. He shouldn’t have left any of them without a goodbye. He shouldn’t have left at all and just told someone - Jinyoung - what had been bothering him.

“Are you still going to leave?” Jinyoung asks.

Jaebum thinks about it for a moment. He should be honest. He should tell him the truth.

“I feel like I should. For everyone’s safety.” He says. “But I don’t want to. I like it here.” 

“Why did you even leave?”

“It’s not a pleasant sight to see you covered in blood.” Jaebum answers honestly. “Every single bruise. Every single cut on your lip. Every mark I leave you… It makes me feel like a…”

He doesn’t say it. Bambam said he was never one. And to use that word on himself meant that Jackson was one too. And Jackson will never be a monster in his eyes.

A hand tips his chin up to look at him and Jaebum is met with Jinyoung’s face so close to him.

“I thought we talked about this. I told you I didn’t care. I told you I could handle it.”

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum smiles sadly at him. “The point isn’t whether or not you can handle it. The point is that I’m hurting you. What matters is that if I take things too far, like what happened, I might kill you. And I don’t ever want to take you away from this world.”

Jinyoung drops his hand but it rests atop his and Jaebum turns his palm so he can at least hold his hand for just a short moment.

“I want you here.” Jaebum continues. “I like seeing you whole and happy. I like seeing you alive. You have so much to live for and I don’t want to take that away. Leaving the group was the only way I could think of. So I could just look at you from afar. Without hurting you. Without taking away your life.”

Jaebum breathes.

“I would sacrifice _us_ just to see you live.”

He would. Because Jaebum simply loves him so much.

“Hyung, do you know why it didn’t matter to me?” Jinyoung asks. “It was because I trusted you. You always came close. And yet it didn’t happen. You see yourself as a monster. But I don’t. I never have.”

“How can you have so much faith in me?” 

Jinyoung gives a small chuckle. He’s beautiful. No matter how many times Jaebum has seen him laugh, Jinyoung smiling always takes his breath away.

“That’s what love is, I guess.” Jinyoung answers. “I’m not an expert on the subject but I’d like to think that’s how it goes. And I told you. I’m tougher than I look. You can’t break or hurt me so easily Im Jaebum.”

Jaebum nods. He believes that now.

“Teach me how to be strong then.”

Jinyoung smiles sadly at him. “I don’t know how to teach you that.”

“Then tell me how to fix us.” Jaebum whispers. He tries to hide the desperation in his voice. He loves him. He misses him. And Jaebum doesn’t ever want to break up with him or leave him again.

“Jinyoung-ah…” Jaebum breathes. “Tell me how to fix us.”

Jinyoung looks at him and this time, Jaebum can read his face. He loves him back just as much too and Jaebum parts his lips for him as Jinyoung leans in and kisses him. Jaebum doesn’t move. He lets Jinyoung kiss him softly. The monster - creature - inside him stirs only because he remembers who this is. This is the man that used to offer himself to him because he trusted him and loved him. This is the man that still does even after what Jaebum did.

Jinyoung breaks the kiss, only to rest his forehead against his. Jaebum closes his eyes and relishes at the way Jinyoung is cupping his face gently.

“You give me space.” Jinyoung tells him. “Because I still can’t trust you’d stay for me or for everyone else.”

Jaebum’s heart clenches at that.

“I won’t leave.” He promises.

“I can’t seem to believe that yet.” Jinyoung runs a thumb across his cheek. “What if it happens again? Just a single scratch on me. Do you trust yourself enough not to run away?” 

Jaebum can’t promise not to hurt him. He doesn’t trust the creature inside him to treat Jinyoung gently. And the image of him bloodied and bruised still sends his insides churning. 

Jaebum nods. He’ll give Jinyoung his space.

“Alright.” Jaebum agrees. “Will you wait for me then?”

Because Jaebum truly wants to work things out. He truly wants to fix things between them.

Jinyoung smiles.

“I have never loved someone so much until I met you.” He says. “And I still do after all these years.” Jinyoung squeezes his hand. “Of I course I’d wait.”

“I’m so sorry.” Jaebum says one last time.

“I know.” He nods, pulling Jaebum in his arms.

Jaebum breathes in his scent. Jinyoung’s scent and the way his arms wrap around him make him feel like he’s home. He doesn’t have to run away ever again. Because here, he’s safe. He’s safe with him and all seven of them together. 

The creature inside him is starting to wake up but Jaebum ignores it. He can control it for now.

“I love you.” Jaebum says, voice muffled in Jinyoung’s shoulder.

“I do too.” Jinyoung replies.

They stay that way for a moment. Until Jaebum pulls back so Jinyoung can finally rest up and go to bed.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung calls out before he can leave. Jaebum turns around to look at him.

“Yeah?” 

Jinyoung looks at him for a moment and then smiles. “Being honest suits you.”

Jaebum finds himself smiling back.

He likes being honest too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- heads up. the fic is ending soon. Just a couple more chapters.  
> \- also, for some reason, the fic says part 1 of Under My Skin and I dont know how to take that out. so just putting it out here there's no part 2 if anyone was anticipating anything.


	20. Point of View II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam - Yugyeom - Youngjae

Bambam thinks the world of his hyungs.

He thinks they’re the most amazing people he’s ever had the opportunity to work with and be friends with. He thinks they’re the funniest hyungs ever and just the best because they take care of him all the time. They spoil him actually. No matter how much they roll their eyes at him and call him out for his crazy fashion sense or trends he picks up on the internet, they let him do it anyway. Bambam loves his hyungs as more than just friends. It’s like having a lot of older brothers and he likes having a huge family.

But Bambam also thinks his hyungs are quite dense. Especially Mark and Jackson.

For instance, Jackson thinks no one knows about his little crush on Mark when in fact, everyone knows. Except for Mark, of course. And maybe Jaebum just because he has a lot on his plate and doesn’t notice these things. 

Mark’s too slow to pick up on Jackson’s obvious crush. But Bambam and Yugyeom have seen Jackson look at Mark when Jackson thinks no one’s watching. They’ve seen the way his eyes sneak glances at Mark when they’re all together. They’ve seen Jackson put on his most adorable Wang Gae face for Mark when he wants something. They’ve seen him smile brighter when he’s hanging out with Mark. Really, Jackson’s so obvious it’s a mystery why Mark hasn’t noticed yet.

But then again, Jackson’s the same too. Bambam and Yugyeom can’t be entirely sure but these days, they’ve seen the same look mirrored on Mark’s face. It all started after that Febreeze incident. Mark’s gaze would linger on Jackson. Mark would fidget when he’s with Jackson when he used to be so comfortable around him. Mark also looks like he’s torn about something when he’s with Jackson. Bambam and Yugyeom always found that funny.

“Should we do something?” Bambam asked him once after they saw Mark giving that kicked puppy dog look when Jackson cancelled dinner plans with him because he had some scheduled shoot with Eric Nam. 

“Naaaah,” Yugyeom replied. “They’ll figure it out soon.”

Yugyeom was right. Because that moment comes soon enough.

This particular album promotion differed from the rest. One, because they all had a hand in it, and two, because everyone of them poured out their souls in it. Bambam knows everyone wrote a song for someone in there though nobody shared who it was for. The lyrics were deep and the arrangement was something new in this whole album. 

Another reason why it was different because the whole album was something they all worked on together despite what happened during the previous months. They all fought. There was a lot of yelling. A lot of crying. A lot of walking out on each other. And yet, they all came together for this album. It seemed like the glue in whatever broken relationship they all had.

So one could imagine the surprise and amazement and the overwhelming relief that they won first place after a week of promotions. 

Jaebum was staring at the MCs in disbelief. Jinyoung was covering his mouth in surprise. Jackson, who took on three songs, couldn’t believe his ears. Yugyeom was clapping and beaming at the fans, bowing deeply in gratitude along with Youngjae. Bambam felt like his heart was about to burst from his chest from being so happy that he didn’t even mind Mark hugging him so tight he felt like his bones would break.

They didn’t even expect they’d win. They just worked on the album because it was a mix of distraction, something they placed their heart and souls to because everyone was keeping something inside them. It was something personal. They were like little kids putting together one huge puzzle piece. Some of them were frustrated along the way as they tried fitting in a piece that obviously didn’t fit. Some of them found the right piece to put into. And eventually. they managed to finish it. They made an album. And to have one of their songs win an award was something they never even expected.

They celebrated that night. They ordered in food. Beers were passed around the table because Jackson got a congratulatory case from Cass. They all partied at the dorm to their own songs. The energy was so high even their managers relaxed a little. They all deserved it.

They only start retreating after midnight. Because the past couple of weeks was exhausting and they still have schedules the next day. Jaebum was already conked out on the couch with Mark playing with his hair. Jackson is outside the hall where he’s talking on the phone with his parents. Jinyoung already excused himself so he could head off to bed and Yugyeom followed suit.

“I’m showering first.” Youngjae calls out while Bambam heads to their room.

“Bam, could you help me with Jaebum please?” Mark calls out to him.

Bambam and Mark lugged Jaebum on their shoulders. Jaebum is so heavy compared to the both of them that it takes awhile for them to get him up. He’s also completely out that he doesn’t even wake up when they drag him to his room.

“Hyung,” Bambam grunts at Jaebum’s weight. “Can we just-” Another grunt. “Put him in your room?” Bambam shifts Jaebum’s arm around his shoulder. “It’s the closest.”

“I have a better idea.” Mark pants. 

Bambam follows where he’s leading them and his eyes widen when they stop at Jinyoung’s room and Mark knocks on the door.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” Bambam asks quietly. Mark only tells him to keep it down.

Jinyoung looks like he already dozed off when he opens the door. He stops yawning and rubbing his eyes when he sees them.

“What is this?” Jinyoung asks and Mark all but shoves Jaebum to him.

“Ah hyung,” Jinyoung grunts at Jaebum’s weight. “What am I supposed to do with him? I only have one bed.”

“That didn’t stop you guys from sleeping together before.” Mark hides his laugh with a cough.

Jinyoung rolls his eyes at him and then looks at Bambam.

“Bam-ah, help me get Jaebum hyung to his room-”

“Bam’s going to help me clean up the kitchen. Come on Bambam.” Mark takes his hand and pulls him out of there. 

They’re both laughing as soon as they’re out of Jinyoung’s sight.

“Jinyoung hyung’s going to get back at you for that.” Bambam snickers at Mark while he throws away the empty beer bottles littered around.

“Yeah well, what else is new.” Mark smiles.

Bambam leaves Mark alone in the living room after he’s done cleaning up. Mark said he wants to wait for Jackson to head in anyway before retiring. 

Living in a dorm with 6 people makes finding things a bit difficult. So it takes Bambam a while to find his sleepwear among the pile of freshly laundered clothes. In the end, he picks up the whole basket so he can get them to his room and look for his stuff.

He makes a little detour to the kitchen again to get a glass of water when he stops in his tracks to find his hyungs doing something he never expected of them.

Bambam almost drops the basket he’s holding.

He never knew they had it in them. Since, of course, his hyungs are dense and clueless. But Bambam can’t believe they finally managed to act on it.

Or more like Mark decided to take it upon himself to act on it first because Jackson’s just standing there all rigid. But it’s the real thing. Bambam is seeing both of his hyungs _kissing!_

Bambam steps back quietly and heads to his and Yugyeom’s room fast. He needs to tell someone or else he’ll combust.

Bambam can’t believe it. But Yugyeom was right. Maybe their hyungs weren’t so dense after all.

Because both of his hyungs _finally_ figured it out.

 

 

 

Yugyeom can’t figure out why Jaebum and Jinyoung just can’t get back together again.

Everything seems so easy. Yugyeom knows Jinyoung and Jaebum talked. He’s seen Jaebum knock on Jinyoung’s door one night and left minutes later so he knows something went on. Jaebum never stays that long with Jinyoung in the same room these days. So there had to be some reason other than to talk about work schedules. 

Yugyeom’s hopeful they got back together again. And it really seemed like they did. They talk to each other. But that’s it. Yugyeom still sees Jaebum drinking from blood bags, Jinyoung still talking to Jaebum about work and nothing else, Jaebum still looking longingly at Jinyoung and Jinyoung stealing glances at Jaebum from across the room.

Yugyeom doesn’t understand why it’s so complicated. He wants his hyungs back together again. Although he was angry at Jaebum for hurting Jinyoung and then leaving them at first. But he understands now why it happened and he truly does want them together again.

It’s hard to imagine one without the other. Yugyeom grew up with the both of them working together to keep the group going. He also grew up seeing them take care of the rest like they were their family. It’s just hard to accept that they’ve broken up.

“We did not break up.” Jinyoung told him once when Yugyeom asked. Because he couldn’t take it anymore. He’s worried for the both of them.

“We’re just taking a… hiatus, if you will, alright?” Jinyoung explained. “I said I wanted space. So he’s giving it to me.”

“What kind of space? For how long? Does that include seeing someone else? Does that mean you’ll never be with him again? Hyung, you can’t break up with him!” Yugyeom went on and on and Jinyoung only rolled his eyes at him.

But Yugyeom did shut up when Jinyoung said he loves Jaebum still so that part was clear to him.

But they’re still not together! And Yugyeom is honestly worried.

Although the worriness did disappear for awhile since they’re all busy with album promotions and Yugyeom is distracted with memorizing choreographies and lines for every performance. But after their first win, the anxiety knowing his hyungs still aren’t getting back together again fills him.

Not once has Yugyeom seen Jaebum and Jinyoung look at each other and congratulate the other like they used to do. Everyone started clapping each other on the backs as they all headed back stage but Jinyoung and Jaebum didn’t. Yugyeom tried pulling them all into a group hug but Jaebum and jinyoung didn’t even linger around.

Yugyeom wonders if this is how it feels to know your parents are splitting up.

He can’t even enjoy the celebration back at the dorms. Yugyeom tried to. But everytime he looks at Jaebum or Jinyoung sitting at both ends of the room, everything just sort of feels off.

What good is a group, a family, if two of them aren’t even on good terms with each other? 

Yugyeom decided to head off to bed afterwards. Because he finds that there’s really no reason for him to stick around and be a party pooper. 

He heads back to his room, but not before stopping by Jinyoung’s room to check on him.

“I’m fine.” Jinyoung says to him while fixing his bed. “You should sleep. I know you’re auditioning for a show tomorrow. You need your rest.”

Yugyeom nods.

“Hyung?”

“Yes Yugyeom-ah?”

Yugyeom stares at his feet.

“I love you, you know that right?” 

Jinyoung chuckles at this. “Yah. If you want something from me, just say it.”

Yugyeom shakes his head. “It’s not that. Just, you know, right?”

Jinyoung nods. “I do.”

“And Jackson hyung too. And Mark hyung. Youngjae hyung. Bambam.”

Jinyoung raises an eye at him. “Where are you going with this?” 

Yugyeom takes a deep breath. He knows he has no right to meddle in his hyungs affairs. But for the last time, he just wants to say it.

“Jaebum hyung loves you too.” Yugyeom says to him. “And I think you’ve punished him long enough.”

Jinyoung sighs. “Yugyeom-ah, we talked about this.”

“I know. And I won’t say it again. Just that I felt like I had to remind you or something. In case you forgot.”

Because that was the part that scared him. That this “hiatus” would go on for so long and both Jinyoung and Jaebum would forget.

To his surprise, Jinyoung gives a small smile.

“You know, I’ll forget things someday. But not that. Definitely not that.”

Yugyeom smiles back at him. Maybe there is hope down the road for the both of them.

“You’ve worked hard, hyung. Congratulations on the win.” Yugyeom says, bidding him a good night.

“You too, Yugyeom-ah. I’m always proud of you.”

Yugyeom ducks his head in and leaves Jinyoung to sleep. He goes about the stuff he needs for tomorrow and tries not to worry too much about his hyungs.

He has to trust Jinyoung on this. He trusts his hyungs will know what to do.

He’s about to doze off when he remembers he needs to tell Jinyoung he’s going to hitch a ride with him tomorrow. He can just easily text him. But Yugyeom still gets out of bed to head to his room anyway.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom whispers as he knocks on his door softly and turns the knob to just put his head in. “Can I hitch with you and manager hyung-”

He stops when he sees Jinyoung isn’t alone.

On the bed curled up next to him and sleeping soundly is a figure Yugyeom is familiar with. Yugyeom’s eyes widen in surprise to find him there when it’s been so long since he last saw them together like this. Jinyoung is lying beside him with his head propped up on his hand as he rests on his elbows. He’s brushing the sleeping figure’s hair away from his eyes and smiling serenely at him. 

Yugyeom doesn’t stick around after that. He doesn’t want to disrupt the peace. Instead, he closes the door and leaves Jinyoung and Jaebum quietly to themselves.

Yugyeom rushes back to his room. This is good news! It’s like the icing on top of everything that happened today. Everything he wished that would happen, everything he was worried about, everything he thought that wouldn’t be able to pull through, _everything!_

Giggling excitedly to himself, Yugyeom wrenches the door to his room open to find Bambam on the bed. He dives at him and tells him what just happened.

 

 

 

Youngjae can’t wait to tell his sister what just happened.

Their album won! Well, their title song did but the album has been doing well on the charts too. Youngjae knows they shouldn’t keep track of their rankings on streaming sites this early. But Youngjae can’t help it. All their songs are on the top of every site!

It’s a miracle they won, really. Considering most of them haven’t been getting along quite well. Mark and Jackson look like they’re still awkward around one another while Jinyoung and Jaebum are still on a break. This album pulled them out of a very dark place and managed to keep them all from falling apart. Youngjae’s so proud of it.

His sister isn’t answering any of his calls. She’s probably too busy with her kids anyway. Youngjae stops calling her, leaves her a message about their win and tells her he’ll call her tomorrow.

Youngjae takes his towel and clothes and heads to the bathroom. He’ll shower, play just one game on the computer and then head to bed. He knows they still have a schedule tomorrow. But that never stopped him from staying up late.

Just as he strips, the bathroom door springs open and Youngjae gives out a startled yell as Bambam and Yugyeom rush inside.

“Gaaaah! What in the world-”

Bambam and Yugyeom slap their hands over his mouth to stop him. Youngjae eyes the both of them as they start whispering excitedly all at once.

“What?” Youngjae asks as he moves both their hands away from his mouth. Bambam and Yugyeom speak at the same time again, waving their hands in the air and giggling like fools.

“Yes because I can understand both of you perfectly.” Youngjae throws them a look, picking up his pants and putting them back on again. “What is it?”

“Mark hyung kissed Jackson hyung!” Bambam half whispers and half shrieks.

“Jaebum hyung and Jinyoung hyung are sharing the same bed!” Yugyeom exclaims in the same tone too.

Youngjae isn’t surprised about Jaebum and Jinyoung. It’s about time those two got back together anyway. Youngjae is happy for the both of them and all but -

“Mark hyung did _what_?” Youngjae looks at Bambam.

“Mark hyung kissed Jackson hyung!” Bambam exclaims again.

“What? Why?” Youngjae asks. He’s honestly confused.

“What do you mean why?” Bambam asks, looking at him kind of funny.

“Well, doesn’t Mark hyung like Jinyoung hyung?” Youngjae asks, sitting on top of the closed toilet lid.

“Where were you these past few weeks?” Yugyeom asks him. “Have you not seen the way Mark hyung and Jackson hyung have been acting around each other?”

“Why? What’s been going on?” 

Youngjae doesn’t really know what’s been going on. He knew Mark and Jackson were awkward around each other for the past few months. But he never knew Mark had a thing for Jackson.

He sits there, listening to Yugyeom and Bambam filling him in on what he missed. And apparently, there were a lot. Mark blushing when Jackson so much as smiles at him. Mark fidgeting when he’s next to Jackson during photoshoots. The lingering gazes. The nervous laughters. Youngjae wonders why he hadn’t noticed Mark looking at Jackson the way Jackson looked at him before. He knew Jackson had a thing for Mark. But Mark made it obviously clear he liked Jinyoung. How much did he miss?

“Wow,” Youngjae whistles. “We should gossip about the hyungs more often.”

“Are we not going to talk about Jaebum hyung and Jinyoung hyung sharing one bed again?” Yugyeom asks excitedly.

“Yah.” Youngjae eyes him carefully. “Why were you sneaking in hyung’s room in the first place?”

“I wasn’t sneaking!” Yugyeom says defensively. “I was going to ask him about something when I saw them together.”

“I want to go look.” Bambam grins, turning around to head out of the bathroom when Youngjae stops him by grabbing the the back of his shirt.

“Yah,” Youngjae laughs. “You two need to leave them alone. If you want, you can grill them all in the morning.”

“Oooh!” Yugyeom gives off a small excited squeal. “Can we?”

“Yeah! Can we? Please?” Bambam asks

Youngjae chuckles. “What do you guys need my permission for?”

“Because you’re the hyung.” Yugyeom simply answers and Bambam nods.

It hadn’t really occured to Youngjae that Yugyeom and Bambam would see him as a hyung. Well, he tried. Back when Jaebum and Mark used to fight all the time. Back when Jackson and Jinyoung were too busy stopping the fights. Back when Jaebum specifically asked him if he could be the hyung around Yugyeom and Bambam since he can’t be one at the moment. Youngjae tried to fill the position that Jaebum and the rest left for awhile. But he always believed he was never good at it.

But staring at Yugyeom and Bambam now, looking at them and realizing that it did work. That they both looked up to him while the hyungs were “gone”. That he finally got around to sticking with Jaebum’s promise and making sure they were both well taken cared of. 

Youngjae can’t believe Yugyeom and Bambam saw him as a hyung.

“You guys can tease them all you want.” Youngjae grins. Bambam and Yugyeom jump around the tiny bathroom in excitement.

Youngjae watches as the two of them start whispering and giggling as they leave him to shower now. All four hyungs will never hear the end of their teasings tomorrow.

Youngjae hadn’t really thought much about it. But being a hyung seems kind of cool now.

Jaebum would be so proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I am a firm believer that Yugyeom is the biggest and number one JJP fan out there  
> \- I love YugBam being kids so pardon the way I wrote them like this.  
> \- Youngjae as the fun uncle really


	21. Morning After I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning After I

There’s an uncomfortable feeling in Jackson’s stomach as he lies in bed. He’s staring blankly at the ceiling, arms wrapped around himself. He wishes Jaebum was here. Just so he doesn’t have to feel so alone. Just so Jackson has someone to talk to instead of drowning in his thoughts. But Jaebum fell asleep due to exhaustion in Jinyoung’s room and Jackson doesn’t want to wake him up.

He wants to wake Jinyoung up though. He wants to talk to him and tell him what happened. Because Jinyoung has a knack of making him feel better and Jackson is in dire need of something to quell his stomachache.

But it’s not a real stomachache. It’s him being nervous that’s making him feel like this.

Mark kissed him. Mark. Kissed. _Him._

Mark shouldn’t have kissed him. Because it just doesn’t make sense. Mark doesn’t like him the way Jackson likes him. Right?

Mark also shouldn’t have hung around to wait for him in the living room because Jackson knew Mark was exhausted too. He should’ve went to bed. Jackson shouldn’t have hung around afterwards either. Mark shouldn’t have told him things because it messed with his head and now all Jackson can think about is that kiss which is just wrong. Everything is just wrong.

He also knows Mark is in love with Jinyoung. So what gives?

Jackson tried to sleep last night after that happened. But he’s only gotten around an hour of sleep and he’s been awake ever since.

“Anything good on?” He asked him as he opened another can. Mark shook his head and turned the TV’s volume down right after.

Jackson should’ve known something was up with him. Mark had been weird the past couple of weeks. Jackson hadn’t really thought much about it. It’s the pre-comeback jitters, he told himself. He always has it too.

“Congratulations on the win again, hyung.” Jackson raised his can at him.

“You too.” Mark replied.

Everything felt odd then. They sat there, not really watching TV but not really talking either. It felt odd and yet, Jackson stayed around. Mostly because he likes just hanging around with Mark anyway.

“Hey,” Mark started. “You know how Jaebum is trying out this honesty thing?”

“Yeah?” Jackson takes a swig from his drink.

“I want to try that out too.”

Jackson raised an eye at him. “You’re always honest.”

“Not with you.” Mark’s reply had surprised Jackson. “These past couple of days, I feel like I’m lying to you all the time.”

That part confused Jackson. They were okay. They managed to patch things up. So why would Mark say that?

“About what?” Jackson asked. 

It took awhile for Mark to reply. He looked really uncomfortable, something Jackson should’ve picked up on. But no. He just sat there and drank his beer, oblivious to what was about to happen.

“I don’t know how to say it. I’ve never been good at saying things.” He said.

That was true. Mark didn’t really know how to express himself. But he never had that problem with Jackson. So Jackson wondered why he was having trouble talking to him now.

“I… I can show it to you.” Mark said, looking at him. Jackson thinks he looked all sorts of nervous and excited when their eyes met. “That seems easier for me.”

Jackson only shrugged at that.

“Okay.” Mark took a deep breath then. Jackson found that weird. How nervous he seemed. 

“You can punch me if you won’t like it.” Mark said.

Jackson remembers laughing at that.

“And why would I do that?”

Mark looked at him and took another deep breath. “Just…”

And then it happened. Mark took his face in his hands and kissed him.

Everything happened so slow and so fast that Jackson barely registered anything. The last coherent thought he had was that Mark was holding him so softly, like he was afraid of something. Like Jackson can still pull away if he wanted to. His hands were trembling and they were cold. Mark looked so bold and afraid and that’s when their lips met.

And the kiss. Jackson can’t remember the kiss. Just that Mark’s lips is on his and the whole thing just made him feel like he was in a sort of daze.

Jackson has kissed someone once. He’s had one date in the past. Back when he wasn’t an idol. Back when he was still in school. But that was on the cheek and it felt nothing like this. 

Everything was just soft and light. It’s not like the kisses Jackson sees in foreign films. Where their lips move and one responds eagerly. It was just the light press of Mark’s lips against his. He knew it wasn’t that long. But the kiss seemed to last forever.

Until Mark pulled away and all Jackson saw in his face was how nervous he looked.

They both couldn’t speak. Jackson’s tongue felt all tied up. But then the realization that Mark kissed him finally caught up to him that Jackson had to say something.

“I’m…” Jackson only murmured. “I gotta…”

And Jackson did the most stupid thing. He ducked his head, bid him a goodnight and ran to his room.

Jackson feels like smacking himself.

He’s pretty sure he hurt Mark’s feelings. But how does one respond to being kissed anyway? How do you respond to someone you’ve loved for so long, someone you thought you never had a chance with, someone you know clearly doesn’t like you back, kiss you? 

It still feels like a dream. And maybe it really was. Jackson feels all sorts of delirious now. Maybe he was imagining things. Maybe he’s too deep in his one sided love that he imagined the whole thing was real.

He needs to talk to Jinyoung.

Jackson kicks the sheets off of him. It’s too early in the morning for anything but he doesn’t care. He quietly opens his door and pads towards Jinyoung’s room.

The whole dorm is quiet at this hour. Jackson is glad everyone’s asleep. Especially Mark. He won’t be able to look at Mark in the eye if he ever meets him. In fact, he won’t be able to look at Mark in the eye from now on.

Jackson opens the door to Jinyoung’s room. Jaebum is still with him. They’re both asleep in the bed with Jaebum’s arms wrapped around Jinyoung’s torso while Jinyoung has his leg swung over Jaebum’s waist. Jaebum’s head is tucked under Jinyoung’s neck and they both look so comfortable. It’s a lovely sight, considering these two have been apart for so long. 

Jackson hates that he has to wake them up but he really really needs Jinyoung right now.

It’s Jaebum who stirs the moment he climbs on the bed.

“Jackson?” Jaebum croaks, squinting at him as he turns to look at him. 

“Hey, hyung. Morning.” Jackson greets casually as he continues climbing the bed. “I need to talk to Jinyoung.”

“Jinyoung?” Jaebum looks up at the person in his arms. “Why am I in Jinyoung’s room?”

“I don’t know. Why are _you_ in Jinyoung’s room?”

Jaebum seems confused at everything. He slowly releases his hold on Jinyoung when he realizes he’s been hugging him.

“Did the three of us sleep here or something?”

Jackson shakes his head. “I just got here.”

Jaebum’s eyes widen.

“Did Jinyoung and I…?”

“No.” Jackson answers. “I came in here in the middle of the night. You guys just slept.”

Jaebum seems relieved to know that.

“Okay.”

Jackson waits for Jaebum to move when it’s apparent he’s just lying down there in a daze looking at Jinyoung.

“Uh, hyung?”

Jaebum turns to him as if he forgot Jackson is still in the room.

“I need a moment with him?”

“Right.” He carefully shifts Jinyoung’s arm and leg. Jaebum finally gets up but not before looking at Jinyoung a couple of times. Jackson hates to break them up right now but he just needs Jinyoung all to himself.

As soon as Jaebum leaves, Jackson fits himself in Jaebum’s place and starts waking him up.

“Jinyoung-ah… Jinyoung…”

It takes awhile for Jinyoung to wake up. There’s a lot of jostling and prodding until Jinyoung finally stirs. He snuggles next to Jackson and hums in his ear.

“... Missed you.” Jinyoung murmurs.

“What?” Jackson asks. Jinyoung’s eyes spring open at the sound of his voice.

“What?” Jinyoung pulls back to look at him. “Jackson? What are you doing in my bed?”

“I have to talk to you.”

Jinyoung lifts himself up to sit. He rubs his eyes and looks around the room.

“Where is Jaebum hyung?”

Jackson motions at the door.

Jinyoung doesn’t seem too pleased with that.

“What did you kick him out for?”

“I have to talk to you.” Jackson only says again.

Jinyoung throws him a look. “Ugh.” Jinyoung runs a hand through his face. “This better be worth it.”

“Mark hyung kissed me.” Jackson says at once.

Jinyoung’s hand stops halfway through his face. His eyes are the only thing exposed but Jackson can tell Jinyoung is quite shocked as well.

“What?”

“Mark hyung. He kissed me.” Jackson says again.

Jinyoung is still looking at him like he can’t believe what he just heard.

“He can’t kiss you. He likes me.” He finally says though his tone indicate he’s also confused.

“I know.” Jackson inches closer to him that their nose practically touch. “But he did.”

He did. Jackson has to accept it wasn’t a dream now. Because he’s telling Jinyoung Mark really kissed him that night and he can’t go back on his word now. Besides, every time he says it out loud, it feels even more real.

Holy shit Mark really kissed him.

“Jinyoung, what am I going to do?” Jackson groans into his neck. He feels Jinyoung’s hand rub up and down his back.

“What do you mean what are you going to do? Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, Mark hyung likes you too?”

Jackson has never thought about that. It just seems impossible.

“He can’t like me. He likes you.” Jackson pulls back to pout at him.

“People change, you know.” Jinyoung smiles.

But it still doesn’t make sense.

“Why would he like me? I’m no one.” Jackson lowers his gaze when he feels a sharp pain on his elbow. 

“Ow!” Jackson jerks away from Jinyoung who just pinched him.

“Stop that.” He says sternly. “You’re Jackson Wang. That’s why he likes you.”

Jackson pouts again as he rubs at the spot Jinyoung just pinched.

The thought of Mark liking him just because he is who he is still feels impossible to him. In fact, the whole thing just seems so absurd.

“Jinyoung-ah….” Jackson whines, throwing his arms around him and rolling on top of him. Jinyoung grunts and shoves him away at first but then sighs as he accepts the fact that Jackson will never let go of him until he’s okay.

“Do you… Do you really think that’s possible?” Jackson asks with his cheek pressed to Jinyoung’s chest. He’s so nervous just thinking about this that he can feel himself trembling. Jinyoung wraps his arms around his waist to comfort him. 

“Do you really think he could like me back?”

Jinyoung runs his fingers through the back of his hair. “What do you think?”

Jackson sits up to look at him.

“I don’t even want to think about it. My heart hurts for some reason.” Jackson wrinkles his nose. “Not that my heart got broken or anything. Just. You know. It feels like it’s being squeezed so hard and my stomach hurts from overthinking.”

“Then don’t.” Jinyoung replies.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t overthink.” Jinyoung simply answers.

“Yah,” Jackson makes a face at him. “The guy I’ve been in love with for years just kissed me. I think I’m allowed to overthink even a little bit.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widen. “For years? Seriously? How come you didn’t say anything?”

Jackson rolls his eyes. “That is not the point.”

Jinyoung holds up a finger for Jackson to pause.

“Hold on. He kissed you.”

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t feel… anything?” Jinyoung asks.

“Well, now I do. Like I said, my stomach hurts and so does my chest-”

“Not that. You weren’t… You know…” Jinyoung waits for Jackson to get it but he doesn’t. “You weren’t hungry?”

Jackson blinks down at Jinyoung. He sits there, letting that thought cross his mind. And when it does, everything starts rushing at him. The kiss. Mark’s lips against his. The feel of his hands so soft and light on his cheek.

What it would taste like to draw blood from his lips. What Mark would taste like if Jackson sucked lapped at the wound.

And just like that, Jackson’s blood starts boiling with hunger. The monster inside of him stirs at the thought of Mark’s blood and Jackson feels like he’s punched in the gut for having Mark’s lips so dangerously close to him and he didn’t do anything about it.

“Great.” Jackson sighs. “Now that you mentioned it.”

Jinyoung gives him a sheepish look.

“This is just...” Jackson takes a deep breath. The monster inside him is craving for a taste of that kiss again. A taste of Mark. A taste for human blood. “This is just- Wonderful.”

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung apologizes. “I had to ask.”

“Okay so definitely, I’m not going to tell him how I feel.” Jackson decides. As if he had the guts to tell him in the first place. But telling Mark how he feels about him would only lead him to explain the many other emotions Jackson always gets when he’s with him. And Jackson’s not yet ready for that.

“And I will be subjected to this every single day?” Jinyoung motions to him straddling him on the bed.

“I can’t just go _oh hey I’ve been in love with you my whole life but I can’t be with you because I might eat you alive. Also I might fuck you._ ” Jackson says. Jinyoung just sighs at that and Jackson plops himself back in Jinyoung’s chest.

“Jinyoung-ah, what do I do?!” He exclaims. Because he honestly doesn’t know how to deal with this. To be very honest, the one sided love thing was easier to deal with than having Mark possibly have feelings for him too. Because now, even if Jackson wants for something to come out of this, he can’t accept it. Because what kind of relationship would they have if Jackson can’t even be with him without having all these ugly thoughts about him?

“Hey,” Jinyoung tips his chin up to look at him. “How about you talk to him, huh? How does that sound?”

Not a good idea, Jackson thinks. He’s already nervous at the thought of talking to Mark.

Unless…

“Will you be there?” Jackson asks him.

“Where?”

“When I talk to him.”

“What?” Jinyoung throws him a look. “What am I going to do?”

“I don’t know. Hold my hand?”

Jinyoung presses his mouth together in a thin line before replying.

“Jackson, please. I don't really need to be there. I’m sure Mark hyung has a good explanation why he kissed you and that would just be awkward if I’m around when he confesses.”

“What if he was drunk?” Jackson sits up again. “There were a lot of beers. What if he thought I was you that’s why he kissed me? _Ow!_ ”

Jackson seethes as Jinyoung pinches him again.

“Stop. Give yourself enough credit, will you?”

“Well, what if I was the one that was drunk- _Ow!_ ”

“I’m going to pinch you harder.”

Jackson sighs.

“He cannot possibly like me, okay- _Would you stop that?!_ ”

Jackson rubs his elbow to keep the sting away.

“Then would you stop doubting yourself?” Jinyoung replies. “Like I said, I’m sure Mark hyung has a good reason why he kissed you.”

Jackson is dying to know what that reason is. 

Could Mark really like him back? It’s just… impossible.

And yet… He kissed him. Mark kissed him.

Jackson feels Jinyoung cup his face in his hands and he’s brought back to the present as he looks into Jinyoung’s eyes.

“Haven’t I told you like a dozen times you’re a wonderful person?” Jinyoung reminds him.

Jackson just throws himself at Jinyoung again and they both plop back down on the bed.

He feels better. A little bit. But Jinyoung’s right. He should really go talk to him.

Talk to him and tell him what he’s always wanted to say.

“I love him.” Jackson says quietly.

“I know.”

“What if…” Jackson pauses, long enough for him to consider things. “What if he loves me back?”

The thought scares him. But at the same time, it’s the most thrilling and exciting thing to consider.

Jinyoung squeezes him in his hold.

“Then wouldn’t that be the most amazing thing?”

It is.

“I’m scared.” Jackson whispers.

Jinyoung shifts him so he can look at him.

“You shouldn’t be. This is Mark hyung. He knows you better than I do.”

“No.” Jackson replies. “You know me better than anyone else.”

Jinyoung laughs at that. “I don’t. But hey, if you say so.”

Jackson ends up laughing as well.

“I’m so happy for you, you know that?” Jinyoung smiles at him.

Jackson rolls his eyes. “Mark hyung and I haven’t even talked yet.”

“Still. I love seeing you happy.” Jinyoung shrugs.

It’s insane. But underneath all the confusion and anxiety and fear, Jackson’s really really happy.

“I am. I mean aside from being nervous and scared.” Jackson hugs Jinyoung tight. “I’m so happy.”

Jinyoung chuckles and continues to rub his back.

They stay that way for awhile. Until Jinyoung starts shifting in bed so Jackson can move. But Jackson stays where he is.

“I hate to break this up but I really need to get out of bed.”

Jackson doesn’t budge. The thought of facing Mark makes him all nervous again.

“No, no. Let’s just stay here. Forever.”

“Jackson, my dick is so hard this early in the morning and I really need to pee.”

“Can I come with you?

“No.”

“Please?”

“Ugh.” Jinyoung grumbles. But he does allow Jackson in the bathroom with him while he pees.

The rest of the morning is a flurry of activity. Some of them missed their alarms that they’re all late. Jackson thinks it’s a good thing they’re all rushing here and there to get ready because Mark doesn’t have a chance to talk to him at all.

He does meet his gaze more than once. And Jackson always ends up running away or hiding. Like that time they boarded the vans and Jackson had to push Bambam out of the way so he can sit in the front next to the driver and Mark can’t sit beside him. Or that time they’re doing their make up and Jackson drags the whole of Bangtan in their dressing room so it’s all loud and noisy and Mark can’t talk to him.

He’s being ridiculous. But he’s just not ready to talk to him yet.

Jackson has long ditched his idol image so he doesn’t really care if he wears the nose clips on stage. He has to wear them. Because for some reason, the monster inside him is excited at seeing Mark. Jackson has to feed on Jaebum twice within the hour just to keep himself sated. Now he’s so full he feels like throwing up. But Jackson would rather feel so full and bloated. It’s better than being hungry for Mark.

By the end of the day, Jackson’s just exhausted. He’s been running and hiding and dancing and singing and breathing through his mouth. He wants to sleep. He hasn’t slept very well last night and everything is taking it’s toll on him.

And just when he has his guard down, Mark finally corners him.

They’re in their dance practice rooms and everyone has gone home. Jackson stayed behind, for the very purpose of avoiding Mark at the dorm. Mark apparently knew he was going to do just that and stayed behind as well.

Jackson pretends his heart isn’t banging against his chest from being cornered like this.

“Are you alright?” Mark asks him.

“Uh, yeah.” Jackson replies as casually as he can. He’s on the couch and playing with the cap he was wearing earlier. Mark sits next to him and Jackson resists the urge not to move away.

“Why are you wearing that?” Mark motions at the nose clip. It’s been awhile since Jackson’s been wearing it again.

“The fans… They were around today.” Jackson lies.

Mark sighs.

“You know, you could’ve just punched me in the face if you didn’t like that kiss so much.” Mark instantly says that Jackson chokes on his own saliva. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you avoiding me the whole day.”

Jackson gives him an apologetic look. He guesses there’s no running away now. Who was he kidding that Mark didn’t figure that out earlier.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… I didn’t really know what to say.” Jackson replies. It’s the truth. He has no idea what to say to him. Even until now. He’s a stammering mess.

“You could’ve just told me you didn’t like it.” Mark says. He looks hurt and Jackson is so so sorry. They never had any trouble talking to each other. And now everything just feels so hard.

“Hyung, I…” Jackson pulls himself together. “I liked it.” He says, his voice so small he hopes Mark didn’t hear it.

But he did. Mark looks at him, surprised. Jackson feels like killing himself for admitting that.

“You… did?” Mark’s eyes are so wide now. “Then why did you run away?

“I… “ Jackson swallows hard. “You know, I realized last night I’m actually not the most well versed person I thought I was. I ran away just because I didn’t know what to say to you.”

“Jackson, I’m sorry.”

Jackson doesn’t know what Mark is sorry for.

“Are you sorry for the kiss?” He asks, afraid of his answer. Is Mark going to take it back? Will he finally tell him he didn’t mean for that to happen? That it was all a mistake?

“No. Not that. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

Oh. Jackson never thought of it that way.

“No. I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was… Hyung, I was just confused.” Jackson doesn’t look at him this time. “You like Jinyoung hyung. Why did you kiss me?”

“I used to like Jinyoung.” Mark admits. “But then Jinyoung made it clear a while back that he can never look at me the same way I looked at him. He loves Jaebum and well, Jaebum obviously loves him back.”

“So… You just happened to look at me?” Jackson says in a small voice again.

“No. I realized it wasn’t actually Jinyoung I was looking at this whole time. It was you.”

Jackson can’t breathe. Well, with a nose clip on, he obviously can’t. But Mark’s words makes him feel like his lungs just stopped working. Did he hear that right? Did Mark just say what he thought he just said?

Jackson finds the courage to look at Mark and he sees him smiling.

“All the smallest things, it’s always you. Everything reminds me of you. Do you have any idea how much I think about you all the time?”

Jackson can’t believe he’s hearing this right now. Never in his whole life did he dream of this moment.

“Jackson, I like you. I’ve liked you for so long that I can’t even remember when it all started.”

Jackson feels like the universe is playing tricks on him

“And I’m sorry for not telling you. I should’ve.”

“Why?” Jackson had to ask. “Why do you like me?”

Jackson doesn’t know why that matters to him. But it does. He honestly wants to know what is it about him that Mark likes. 

Mark seems taken aback by this question. He blinks at Jackson for a moment, probably wondering what to say.

<0H“I- Why? It’s you, Jackson. I just like you.” Mark simply answers. There’s no other reason. Just you being you made me like _you_.”

Jackson can practically see Jinyoung smirking at him for this. He can’t believe Jinyoung was right.

Mark sighs and shakes his head.

“This sounds strange doesn’t it. Telling you out of the blue how I feel. You probably don’t even look at me the same way-”

“Hyung, I like you too.”

Jackson’s not sure where this burst of confidence came from but he says it out loud lest the moment passes again.

Mark looks at him in disbelief.

“I like you.” Jackson confesses. “Way _way_ longer than you ever have.”

Mark looks like he doesn’t believe him.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes.” Jackson nods.

“I never…” Mark looks like he’s thinking too hard, probably wondering when did Jackson liked him. Jackson honestly doesn’t know when anymore. Just that he’s carried this unrequited love for so long.

Mark suddenly laughs. “Why are we like this?”

Jackson chuckles. “I don’t know.”

Mark looks at him with a smile. “We wasted so much time, didn’t we?”

Jackson shakes his head. “I don’t believe in that, hyung. I think this is pretty much the perfect time.”

Mark laughs. His laughter is so contagious that Jackson laughs as well.

Mark reaches for his hand and Jackson stares at their fingers intertwined. His heart starts racing then. He’s always held Mark’s hand. But this time, it feels different.

And then Jackson remembers the other thing he needs to deal with and his happiness go right down the drain.

“Are we really…” Jackson asks. He can’t help but sound nervous. But he might as well get on with it. “Are we really going to try this out?”

Mark rubs the back of his hand. “Try what out?”

“Us. I… It’s nice, knowing we both feel the same way but…” Jackson can’t go on.

“But what?” Mark is looking at him now, concerned.

“I’m not… I’m not entirely… Jackson anymore, so…” Jackson swallows hard. “You can unlike me now.” He laughs trying to lighten the mood up. But his laughter sounds awkward and forced that Mark frowns.

“If you’re talking about you being turned into something else, that doesn’t matter to me.”

Jackson doesn’t think Mark gets it. 

“Hyung, if you only knew the things that goes on in my head when I think of you, you’d think of me as a monster-”

Mark inches closer to him so he can look at him straight in the eye. “Jackson, i’ve never thought of you as one. So don’t say that.”

“Hyung, I’m serious. It’s not easy being with you.”

Mark squeezes his hand. “We’ll work on it.”

“Hyung,”

“I’m not giving up on you if that’s what you’re worried about.” Mark says.

Jackson doesn’t know what to say. This is Mark’s life on the line. Is this how Jaebum felt? Was Jinyoung also this stubborn?

“Give us a shot.” Mark says to him and Jackson finds that he does want to give the both of them a chance.

For now. He’ll give them a chance. Besides, isn’t this everything he ever wished for?

Doesn’t being in love with Mark make him happy? 

“Alright,” Jackson finally nods. He’ll worry about the consequences later. Right now, he’s just happy and he wants it to last.

Mark beams at him for that. And without saying anything else, he leans forward and kisses him.

Jackson’s not ready again for that so he sits there, crosseyed and rigid as Mark kisses him. It’s not like the last time where Mark was careful and shy. He kisses him boldly and pulls away, smiling at him.

He slowly drops the smile he’s holding though when he sees Jackson frozen.

“Jackson? Are you alright?”

Jackson nods. “Fine. Just. I keep blacking out whenever you kiss me.”

Mark chuckles.

“I might think this was all a dream again in the morning.”

Mark cups his face in his hands.

“It’s not.”

Jackson’s ready for him when Mark leans in to kiss him again.

And this time, Jackson finally kisses him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- couldnt pass off the chance to write jinson bffery


	22. Morning After II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka Something good

“Has anyone seen Jaebum hyung?” Jinyoung doesn’t know how many people he’s asked where Jaebum is. There’s just so much going on in the dorm and he can’t seem to keep track of anyone.

Jinyoung is missing a sock and a shoe. His hair is still wet, something the hairstylist noona will call him out later for not drying it before meeting her. He hasn’t had any breakfast yet. And he’s also late, along with everyone else who seemed to miss their alarms.

They have a schedule and they’re supposed to be at the studio for hair and makeup fifteen minutes ago. Managers are already calling them to head downstairs and board the vans. They’re going to be in trouble for being this late. But Jinyoung is too busy looking for Jaebum among the crowd of people rushing in and out of their dorm.

“Youngjae, have you seen Jaebum hyung?” Jinyoung asks a harassed looking Youngjae who overslept as usual. He has a mouthful of leftover piece of kimbap while holding his pants in one hand to rush to his room to change.

“Outside!” He manages to yell as he zooms past him.

Jinyoung hasn’t spoken to him yet. After what happened last night, Jinyoung thinks he should talk to him as soon as possible. He knows Jaebum is already aware he slept over in his room. He’s also probably wondering why he woke up in his bed. Jinyoung wants to talk to him about it. Not the we-slept-together-in-one-bed-when-we-were-on-a-break part but something else he wants him to know. Something he realized last night and wants to talk to him about before the moment ends and all he’s left with are thoughts of being too late.

Although he knows he shouldn’t worry about that at all. Jaebum told him he’d wait for him. But Jinyoung’s not going to test that.

Jinyoung picks up a clean pair of socks from the laundry basket. He’s not sure who they belong to but he’s in a hurry. He plunges his feet down on a pair of sandals and heads outside the hall.

Jaebum isn’t there.

“Jinyoung, if you’re done, would you please head downstairs?” One of their managers tell him as she passes by.

Jinyoung nods. “Noona, have you seen Jaebum hyung?”

“He’s in the bathroom!” She exclaims.

Jinyoung shucks off his sandals again as he heads back inside. Bambam rushes past him, yelling at the rest that he’ll ride shotgun. Jinyoung heads to the bathroom when he finds it empty.

“Yugyeom-ah! Have you seen Jaebum hyung?” Jinyoung calls out. Yugyeom’s and Bambam’s room is nearby so he knows he can hear him.

“No! Have you seen my underwear?!” Yugyeom responds. Jinyoung tells him he hasn’t.

It’s insane how Jinyoung can’t even find Jaebum in this tiny dorm. He should just be around here somewhere. Unless of course he’s already in the vans downstairs.

Jinyoung puts on his sandals again and heads downstairs to the parking lot. Jackson is in the front seat while Bambam is in the back grumbling about wanting to sit there first.

“Has anyone seen Jaebum hyung?” Jinyoung asks the both of them, already sounding exasperated.

“I’m right here.”

Jinyoung turns around in surprise. His breath catches in his throat to see him standing there. Jaebum looks like his usual self. He’s wearing his favorite oversized shirt and pants and sneakers. His fringe is down and has yet to be styled. But Jinyoung thinks he looks handsome like this.

“Hey.” Jinyoung breathes. 

Jaebum smiles at him. “Hi.”

It’s ridiculous how he’s been looking for him the entire morning and now that he’s found him, Jinyoung’s all tongue tied.

“Oh, before I forget,” Jaebum hands him a granola bar from the paper bag he’s holding “Breakfast. I know all of you didn’t have anything this morning.” 

Jaebum tosses one at Bambam and Jackson.

“I know I used to say I hate Jackson’s health bars but they do come in handy.”

Jinyoung swallows hard. Why is it so difficult to talk to him now? Why does it feel so awkward?

“Why are you late?” Jackson asks him. “You didn’t oversleep.”

Bambam peeks at them from the back seat with a smirk on his face.

“Yeah. Why were you late, hyung? Did something great happen last night-”

Jinyoung slides the van doors close with Bambam leaning his head back in just in time.

Jackson laughs. “That was mean.”

“Yeah!” Bambam yells from inside.

“Close your window.” Jinyoung just tells him. Jackson pouts at them.

“Can’t I listen to this?”

Jinyoung just throws him a look. Jackson surrenders and closes his windows to give them their privacy but not before Jinyoung catches Bambam going, “You know, Jaebum hyung and Jinyoung hyung weren’t the only ones who had a great time last night.”

Jinyoung supposes Jackson can deal with that on his own.

Jaebum chuckles at the whole exchange. Jinyoung looks at him and feels his cheeks redden. He’s really cute. Which is just silly because he sees him everyday. What the fuck is wrong with him?

“Hyung,” He starts. “About last night…”

“Yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about too.” Jaebum says, scratching the back of his head, a move Jinyoung knows he does when he’s nervous. Glad to know he’s not the only one.

“Um,” Jinyoung doesn’t know what to say really.

The sound of the elevator arriving makes the both of them look up. Jinyoung sees Mark, Youngjae and Yugyeom and their managers approaching them now.

“Later then?” Jaebum turns to him again. He looks apologetically at him as if this was his fault.

Jinyoung just nods. “Yeah. Later.”

Jaebum smiles at him before boarding the other van. Jinyoung sighs heavily as he boards the one with Jackson and Bambam.

Later. They’ll talk later.

They get to their schedule and it’s all a blur again as they’re made up and styled and placed in suits. Jinyoung isn’t paying attention to the whole event. Mark has to nudge him on the side a couple of times to get him to answer the reporter.

His mind is filled with Jaebum. Jaebum sleeping in his bed last night. Jaebum who fell asleep by his side. Jaebum who Jinyoung stared at until he fell asleep too. And Jinyoung hasn’t had the most comfortable sleep in months until last night.

He missed him. And he can’t believe they’ve been on a break - a hiatus - for so long. It’s funny how a few months away from each other can make him feel like this again. Giddy. Excited. Nervous.

In-love.

He’s still very much in-love with him. Despite everything. True, he found he couldn’t trust him after what happened. But slowly, he’s been healing. Not entirely. Jaebum leaving all of them still makes him feel angry sometimes. But it’s so tiring to just be angry that Jinyoung wants to let it all go. He’s slowly healing. And he only wishes Jaebum has been healing too.

He wants him back again. But that would be unfair if Jaebum wasn’t ready as well. He’s not sure if Jaebum is brave enough or honest enough to tell him things or accept people in again. He’s not sure if Jaebum has come to terms with who he is and the thing that continue to live inside him. Jinyoung will give him all the time he needs. But he wants Jaebum to know he’s ready now. 

Sleeping next to him last night made him realize that. As he stared at him while he slept, Jinyoung had no other thought in his mind than just thinking about Jaebum and how he wants to take care of him for the rest of his life. Maybe he was lacking in some parts and that’s why Jaebum left. He hadn’t let Jaebum see how strong he can be for the both of them. Jaebum thought he was doing him a favor by leaving. But really, Jinyoung can fend for himself. And he would very much like to take care of Jaebum too and let him know he can always turn to him when it gets too much. They’ll handle things. Together.

He doesn’t realize he’s staring at Jaebum while thinking all of that. Jaebum laughs at a reporter’s remark about them being handsome. The way his face just breaks out into a smile fills Jinyoung’s own chest with warmth. Jaebum looks at the group at that because the rest of them know they’ve always had trouble accepting compliments. Well, except for Bambam.

Jaebum’s eyes catch his among the rest and Jinyoung’s breath is taken away again at how beautiful he is. He’s all dolled up for today’s interview and once again, Jinyoung thinks he’s handsome. It doesn’t matter really if Jaebum is in his sleep wear or in a suit. He’s Im Jaebum, the man Jinyoung finds himself continuously falling in love with.

Right after the schedule ends and the many bows they make for being late, they head backstage to change. Jinyoung knows they still have a few minutes until they leave so he musters up the courage to talk to Jaebum

“Hey,” Jinyoung rushes up to him.

Jaebum walks slowly for him to catch up.

“Hey, you alright?”

Jinyoung nods. “Yeah. I’m okay. Is now a good time?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum looks up as a manager calls his name. “Oh hold on.”

Jinyoung waits for Jaebum to finish, all the while just standing there and observing him.

Jaebum has been the leader for years and Jinyoung is quite proud of him. He’s managed to set the members straight and ingrained respect and discipline. And yet he hangs out with them like they’re all just the same age.

Jaebum isn’t human. Jinyoung is aware of that. And Jinyoung feels even more proud of him dealing with it and still maintaining who he is. Standing there and dealing with whatever it is the manager is talking to him about has Jinyoung feel so much pride at the way Jaebum has grown up to be, human or not.

Jaebum rushes back to him when he’s done and leads him to their dressing room.

“Something just came up. I have to round all of you to get to the next venue fast. They moved our next schedule an hour ahead.”

Jinyoung nods. He feels Jaebum’s hand hovering around his shoulder as they pass by a crowd of staff.

“I’m so sorry. We’ll talk later?” Jaebum says to him. Jinyoung nods.

“Later.” He agrees, although he does feel a little disappointed to have this prolonged even further.

Their next schedule is at a talk show. They won’t do much but just sit there among the rest of the groups. Jinyoung finds himself sitting next to Yugyeom while Jaebum sits at the far end with Jackson and answering the MC when asked.

“So,” Yugyeom nudges his knee.

“So… what?” Jinyoung asks, careful not to let their voices be so loud.

“How did it go with Jaebum hyung last night?” Yugyeom grins at him.

Jinyoung wonders about that.

“Bambam teased Jaebum hyung with the same thing. How do you both know that?” Jinyoung throws him a look. “Did you guys come in without knocking again?”

“Oh I knocked. You were the one making googly eyes at Jaebum hyung while he slept.”

Yugyeom cackles while Jinyoung pinches him in his side to shut up. This has Yugyeom give out a small yelp making everyone stare at them.

“Uh…” Jinyoung points at Yugyeom. “He said he’ll volunteer!”

Yugyeom throws Jinyoung a look that says 

I’ll get back at you for this but Jinyoung just smirks at him. He laughs when apparently, what Yugyeom volunteered for was to sing some trot song in front of the crowd.

It took a while but finally, the show ended and they head backstage to change again. Jinyoung sighs. They’ve already spent half a day and yet, he still hasn’t dealt with this thing with Jaebum. 

They still have another event to attend to and he looks around for Jaebum before they can leave. But Jinyoung doesn’t find him anywhere. In fact, he can’t find the rest of the members. Some of their friends from different groups are here and he knows they’ve mingled with the others.

The only member he sees is Mark. He’s knocking and poking his head in several dressing rooms and Jinyoung asks him what he’s doing.

“Have you seen Jackson?” Mark looks around the hall.

“No. Why?” Jinyoung asks.

“I need to talk to him about… something.” Mark seems worried all of a sudden.

“Is it because you kissed him?”

Mark looks at Jinyoung. “He told you, didn’t he.”

“Of course he did.” Jinyoung replies. “And now he’s avoiding you.”

“He told you that too?” Mark runs a hand down his face. He looks miserable and Jinyoung feels sorry for him.

“No. But I can tell.”

Mark sighs.

“Jinyoung-ah, please tell me where he is.”

“I don’t know, hyung.” Jinyoung answers honestly. “I saw Jooheon around earlier. He could be in Monsta X’s dressing room.”

“Thanks. I’ll check over there.”

Mark is about to leave when Jinyoung stops him.

“Hyung,” Mark turns to him. “This thing with Jackson. Is it serious?”

He has to know. Jackson honestly looked really really happy and though he trusts Mark would never hurt him, Jinyoung just wants to hear it coming from him.

“Yes.” Mark says and Jinyoung likes how determined he sounds and not at all apprehensive. “Does it not look like that at all?”

“Hyung, he knows you liked me. Everyone does. If I was in his place and knew you were in love with someone else, I’d want to know if you still are.”

Mark smiles at him. “I’m serious. With him. And I have been for a while. Only that… I kind of mistook it for you.”

Jinyoung likes the smile on Mark’s face. He seems happy too.

“I don’t think he likes me back but I can hope, right?” Mark asks.

Jinyoung resists the urge to tell him he has nothing to worry about and that Jackson has been in love with him for years.

“You should just go find him first.” Jinyoung replies. Mark nods and thanks him as he leaves.

Jinyoung continues to look for Jaebum. But they’re all ushered to their next schedule and Jinyoung finds himself in a van with Bambam and Youngjae. He finds out Jaebum had to rush to the next event earlier to represent the group as this is another show with many other idol groups. Jinyoung decides to talk to him later.

But it doesn’t come. Later turns into much later as they suddenly have a fansign and then a radio show. They’re always so near yet so far and there isn’t a perfect time for them to talk. It’s like they’re just not meant to talk about this at all.

Jinyoung knows they can talk tomorrow. But he doesn’t want to waste another day. 

The day finally ends and they’re all allowed to go home. Jinyoung got held up when a director of a past drama he did spotted him in the hallways and engaged him in small talk. Jinyoung didn’t want to be rude so he let the conversation drag on until the director bid him a goodbye.

And by the time he got home, Jaebum is still nowhere to be seen.

“Where is he?” Jinyoung can’t help but sound demanding. Bambam, Youngjae and Yugyeom are already in their pyjamas on the couch looking at him standing there still in his clothes for the last two schedules.

“Back at the studio. PD-nim had to call him over and redo a recording for JYP Nation.” Youngjae explains.

“For how long?” Jinyoung asks. He’s really trying to keep the whine off his voice.

“I don’t know. Could be all night.” Yugyeom shrugs. Bambam nods beside him.

In his annoyance with things that are beyond his control, Jinyoung doesn’t linger around after that and heads to the bathroom to shower and change. 

Fine. Maybe today isn’t the perfect day for them to talk. Maybe tomorrow. Although Jinyoung knows tomorrow would be different. But that’s all he has at the moment so he tries to look forward to that instead.

He wants to talk to Jackson. He wants to know if he’s overreacting about this Jaebum thing. But after he showered and went to look for him, Bambam said he was out and so is Mark so Jinyoung supposes they’re together and there’s just no way Jinyoung would want to interrupt them both.

He could stay up and wait for Jaebum. This thought passes Jinyoung's mind. But he’ll also probably be too exhausted so it wouldn’t be a good idea to talk to him then.

Tomorrow, Jinyoung sighs, closing his eyes and lying flat on his back on his bed.

A knock on his door sounds. Jinyoung doesn’t bother getting up.

“Yugyeom-ah, I’m fine.” Jinyoung starts before Yugyeom can ask. Yugyeom has started this habit of checking in on him before bed. It’s sweet and Jinyoung lets him slip under the covers with him sometimes to talk about anything. But tonight, he’s kind of exhausted for that. 

“It’s me.”

Jinyoung’s eyes spring open when he recognizes Jaebum’s voice. He sits up so fast he gets a case of vertigo and Jinyoung has to focus and blink a couple of times at the door to set his vision straight.

“Come in.” Jinyoung says when he manages to find his voice.

The door opens and Jaebum enters in his sleepwear with a pillow tucked under his arm. He looks like he just finished showering. Jinyoung wonders when he got back.

“You’re… home?” Jinyoung says, still not quite believing he’s here.

“Yeah. Chansung hyung couldn’t make it tonight so they just made us sing a few lines and scheduled the whole thing tomorrow.” Jaebum explains.

“Okay.” Jinyoung looks at him, still carrying his pillow.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Jaebum asks. He looks shy for asking. Jinyoung answers by scooting over and making room for him in his small bed.

Jaebum places his pillow beside him. Jinyoung lets him climb up the bed and share his blanket. They both lie there face to face, just staring at each other. Jinyoung, who was sleepy earlier, can’t find it in himself to fall asleep anymore. He’s too mesmerized with Jaebum’s presence in the room and finally having him all to himself.

“We never got around to talking earlier.” Jaebum says softly.

“I know.” Jinyoung replies. His heart quickens at that. That Jaebum would have that talk first thing on his mind. 

“I figured you’d want to talk now?”

Jinyoung nods. Tonight. Now. He has to tell him.

“Last night was wonderful.” Jinyoung starts.

“Jinyoung, we didn’t do anything last night.” Jaebum says, reminding him they just slept.

“I know. I just liked having you around.”

Jaebum smiles. The lamp on his bedside table which is behind Jaebum is the only light in the room and it casts beautiful shadows on him. Jaebum looks so soft and pretty and handsome all at the same time.

“That was the best sleep I had in a long while.” Jaebum says.

Jinyoung can’t help it but he reaches to brush the fringe off of Jaebum’s eyes. His hair is getting longer, which reminds Jinyoung how much time they’ve spent away from each other. He does it lightly, not really touching anywhere but his hair. But then Jaebum closes his eyes as if he’s just feeling his presence and Jinyoung ends up giving in and lightly dragging his forefinger to stroke down his cheek.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung speaks up. His voice is shaking for some reason.

“Yeah?” Jaebum opens his eyes to look at him.

Jinyoung takes a deep breath.

“I… I don’t think I need so much space anymore.”

It takes a few seconds for that to sink in. Jaebum’s gaze is no longer soft. He’s suddenly nervous and anticipating what he’s about to say.

“It’s too big. And it gets kind of lonely.” Jinyoung adds. 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum breathes, as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Are you sure?”

“I am.” He really is. 

But then…

“And… And you?” Jinyoung asks. 

He’d understand if Jaebum still needs the space. He won’t rush him at all.

“You were right.” Jaebum answers. “The space helped. I didn’t actually know I needed it until it happened.”

There’s a lump in Jinyoung’s throat as he prepares for the worst. “That’s great.”

He’s really glad to hear that. He likes seeing Jaebum do well these days. He’s more relaxed in his own skin. If Jaebum needs more time, Jinyoung will give it to him.

“You’re also right about the other thing.” Jaebum continues. “It’s too big. I don’t need that much space. Well, not anymore.”

Jinyoung’s breath hitch at that. His heart feels like it’s beating so much faster than he’s used to.

Jinyoung still has his hand resting against his cheek. Jaebum turns to it and plants a soft kiss on his palm.

“I made you wait for so long. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Jinyoung smiles. “We both needed it.”

Jaebum nods. “We did.”

Jinyoung’s hand that’s still on his cheek moves to cup his face.

“I missed you.”

He breathes in relief.

Jaebum seems to feel the same way too for he sighs. “I do too.”

He feels like a dam had burst inside the two of them. Jinyoung pulls him in and Jaebum rolls on top of him and wraps his arms around him. Jinyoung holds him tight, burying his face in his neck. He breathes deeply, letting it all sink in. That Jaebum is here. That they’re both going to be okay again. 

That no matter how much space they put between themselves, it’s always going to be like this in the end. Here. In each other’s arms.

Jinyoung doesn’t let go of him. He missed him. He missed having Jaebum in his arms just like this.

“How many times have we started over?” Jaebum mutters against his neck.

“I’ve lost count.” Jinyoung replies.

“It’s not like it matters.” Jaebum lifts himself up to look at him. His eyes are glistening and Jinyoung swears he can see the stars in them. “For me, I mean. I’d start everything all over again with you.”

Jinyoung chuckles.

“Hyung, not all over.”

He lowers his gaze to Jaebum’s lips. Jaebum seems to have gotten the message as he slowly dips his head and captures his lips in a kiss.

They’ve been together for years. _Years_. And yet, kissing him always feels like this. Sweet. Intoxicating. To have Jaebum in his arms and kiss him like this again makes him feel like he woke up from a very bad dream.

Maybe it really was all a bad dream. And here is Jaebum, waking him up, and telling him it’s going to be all right.

Jaebum pulls back and Jinyoung stares dreamily at him. Jaebum smiles and kisses his forehead before rolling off of him.

“I have to go.” He says, getting up from the bed.

What? Why? Jinyoung blinks at the empty space Jaebum left before sitting up. 

“I thought you were sleeping over.” Jinyoung asks as he watches Jaebum head to the door. Jaebum turns to give him a sheepish look.

“Raincheck?”

Jinyoung frowns. “Hyung.”

There’s something he’s not telling him again. But Jinyoung waits.

Jaebum looks at him for a moment and then sighs.

“I was starting to get kind of… hungry. And I haven’t… today.” Jaebum explains. “We were rushing around the whole day and I forgot. I didn’t want to risk it with you, so…”

Jaebum motions back to the door and opens it.

“I hate those blood bags.”

Jinyoung says to him before he can step outside his room. Jaebum pauses and turns to him at that.

“I hated them ever since I saw them.” Jinyoung continues. Jaebum slowly closes the door and faces him.

“Weren’t you the one who arranged to have it delivered?”

“I know.” Jinyoung admits. “But I still hate them. It makes me feel…”

He doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to tell him that he feels jealous about it. Because it’s ridiculous. They’re blood bags. It’s not like Jaebum has been sucking on other people’s necks for it. But still. It makes Jinyoung feel jealous and he doesn’t like it. Jealousy is an ugly thing and he doesn’t like feeling it at all. 

“If it helps, I’ve tasted dozens of other people’s blood.” Jaebum says, walking back to him. “And they still taste nothing compared to yours.”

“That’s not helping.” Jinyoung pouts making Jaebum chuckle. Dozens. Jaebum has had dozens of people’s blood on his lips.

”I’m sorry. But it’s the truth. They taste nothing to me. 

”Really now.”

“Really.” Jaebum nods with a smile.

“Why, what does mine taste like?” Jinyoung smiles as he looks up at him. Jaebum stands there with a finger hooked under his chin and he bends down to look at him.

“Like you. Sweet. Sometimes spicy.” Jaebum inches closer to him and a shudder runs through Jinyoung to have him this close. “Sometimes it doesn’t even taste like anything. Rather, it makes me feel things. Like that first drop of water after singing and dancing for hours. Like that time I went home after being away for so long.” Jaebum’s eyes are fixated on his. “Like that first time we kissed and I couldn’t get enough of it.” Jaebum releases his hold on him and Jinyoung resists the urge to lean forward again. “You taste like a lot of things, Jinyoung-ah. Euphoria. Nostalgia.” Jaebum smiles as he straightens up. “You taste like home.”

“You make me sound like I’m some kind of drug.” Jinyoung teases.

“Maybe you are.” Jaebum chuckles. He bends down and plants a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jaebum turns around again.

“Hyung, I said I hate those blood bags.”

Jinyoung looks up all hopeful at him. 

Jaebum turns around with a sad look on his face.

“Jinyoung, there’s nothing I can do.”

Jinyoung doesn’t hesitate to tug at his shirt’s neckline and reveal a patch of skin for him.

This has Jaebum frowns. “You know what that means.”

“I do.” Jinyoung answers.

Jaebum continues to look sadly at him. “You’re willing to do it all over again?”

Jinyoung doesn’t think long and hard for his answer. “Hyung, it’s you. I’d do it all over again because it’s you.

Jaebum stares at him. Not at his neck. Not at the patch of skin revealed for him. Just at Jinyoung.

The moment of hesitation goes on for too long that something else flits through Jinyoung’s mind.

“Do you not… want me?” He asks.

“Don’t ever ask that again.” Jaebum says with a frown, like he’s angry Jinyoung would even consider that.

“Hyung, I’d want it to be me. No one else.” Jinyoung says.

Jaebum holds his gaze. This time, it’s softer. More honest.

“Then… Then let me do this properly.

Jaebum walks back towards him. Just as he reaches the edge of the bed, Jaebum gets down on both his knees. It’s Jinyoung who’s staring down at him now, grinning as Jaebum smiles at him.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum says softly yet his voice fills his ears loud and clear. “Park Jinyoung,” Jaebum laces their fingers together. “Will you be my donor?”

Jinyoung nods, smiling and not even caring how he’s usually so conscious about the wide smiles he makes.

“Yes.”

Jinyoung laughs as Jaebum starts laughing too. He feels so giddy all over and so in love and Jinyoung knows no other man will make him feel the way Jaebum makes him feel.

“You’re one hell of a guy, Im Jaebum.” Jinyoung cups his face in his hands. “Look at me falling all over again for you.”

Jinyoung pulls him up the bed and Jaebum doesn’t hesitate to join him this time. He kisses Jinyoung back with fervor and want and so much love. 

Jinyoung drags him down with him, continuously laughing into the kiss. Jaebum presses himself on top of him and Jinyoung grabs a hold of the back of his shirt. Jaebum leaves his lips to kiss his jaw and then the space below his ear. Jinyoung’s laughter turns into small gasps as he arches his head back, giving him better access to his neck.

Jaebum has fed off of him countless times and yet Jinyoung feels this nervous excitement run down his spine as he anticipates his bite.

To his surprise, Jaebum moves further downwards. He kisses him on his neck, on his collar, on his shoulder. Jinyoung lowers his head to look at him as Jaebum kisses his arm and then his elbow and then the back of his hand where he finally stops.

”Hyung?” Jinyoung asks. 

Jaebum sits up, holding his hand gently.

”We’re starting all over again. We’re taking things slow.”

Jinyoung lets him set the pace. Jaebum rubs his thumb over his wrist, takes a deep breath and finally brings it to his lips.

Jinyoung has forgotten how much a bite hurts. It stings so badly and the pain makes him want to wrench his hand away. But he holds it in. He bites down hard and keeps himself from screaming. Because it will go away. In a second, the pain will numb him.

Jaebum drinks and Jinyoung watches him feed wholeheartedly. He’s not holding himself back and Jinyoung feels proud of him for allowing himself to return to this. To return to something he once was scared of. Jinyoung doesn’t doubt that Jaebum is still scared of hurting him. He can tell with the way he holds his hand like he's afraid any more pressure applied will break him. But it seems as if Jaebum has learned to trust himself as well since he doesn’t stop but continues to drink. 

Jaebum drinks and drinks and when he’s had his fill, he slowly pulls away. 

Blood runs down Jinyoung’s arm and Jaebum licks it all the way back up to the mark he made. Jinyoung’s heart quickens at the sensation, at the feel of his tongue dragging along his skin. He watches as Jaebum laps up at the wound, making sure it doesn’t bleed and drip on the sheets.

Jaebum looks at him when he’s done. His eyes are hooded and filled with some sort of hunger. It’s not because of the monster inside of him taking over. He wants Jinyoung, that much is evident. And Jinyoung wants him too.

Jinyoung pulls at his shirt to bring him back and kiss him but Jaebum leans backwards instead.

”You’re not going to like it-”

Jinyoung doesn’t let him continue. He kisses him, tasting himself and doesn’t stop until he needs to breathe.

”I don’t really understand what you were going on about nostalgia and euphoria earlier.” Jinyoung wrinkles his nose. “It just tastes like blood to me.”

Jaebum pounces at him for that making Jinyoung laugh as they both fall back down the bed. Jaebum chuckles as he continues to kiss him and Jinyoung sighs in pure bliss when Jaebum doesn’t pull away.

The playing turns a different course though when Jaebum pins him on the bed and noses his way down Jinyoung’s neck. He doesn’t bite. But he does leave a trail of kisses that Jinyoung starts feeling breathless and weak for him.

He hasn’t had sex in so long. He hasn’t jacked off either. He wasn’t looking for it. There was never the time or the need for it. But tonight seems to hit him hard with Jaebum on top of him kissing him like this.

Jinyoung rolls his hips upward making Jaebum hiss. Jinyoung doesn’t stop though. He continues to do it, alleviating the throbbing feeling between his legs.

”Hyung,” Jinyoung pleads.

“Slow, Jinyoung-ah.” Jaebum reminds him as he pants.

”Ah fuck taking things slow-”

Jaebum growls at him for being impatient and Jinyoung feels his stomach lurch at that. Jaebum being all dominant like this isn’t helping. 

Jaebum shifts him so he’s lying on his side and spooning him from behind.

”Let me.” He says in his ear, voice breathless. Jinyoung feels him wrap an arm around his waist, hand slipping underneath his pants.

Jinyoung moans softly in the pillows as Jaebum strokes him. Jaebum always knew what to do to him. Suck him off. Fuck him. Make love to him. He finds it sweet that Jaebum knows all these ways to pleasure him without using his dick. Although he really would’ve wanted Jaebum inside him.

Nevertheless, Jaebum makes it worthwhile. He strokes him nice and slow and builds him up. Jinyoung is heaving, toes curled as he feels his release coming so soon from Jaebum’s ministrations. But whenever he does so, he feels Jaebum stop and hold him at the base until he calms down again.

”Hyung,” Jinyoung whimpers. He knows Jaebum’s hard too judging from the hardness poking him from behind. Jinyoung grinds his ass against his erection, making Jaebum bury his own moan in the back of his neck.

His hand starts moving again. And this time, the stroke and the pressure hits him just right that Jinyoung comes. Jaebum makes sure he milks all of him, moving his hand up and squeezing until Jinyoung is coming down from his high, a little dazed at what Jaebum did.

Jaebum kisses his neck and Jinyoung shudders. They’re both heaving and panting and Jinyoung looks over his shoulder to meet his lips. Jaebum kisses him softly, gently, and it feels so perfect, making Jinyoung smiles.

”Your turn.” Jinyoung says. But Jaebum only holds him tighter.

”I’m done.”Jaebum mutters against his skin.

Jinyoung breaks free from his hold to look at him. “How?”

Jaebum gives a tired amused laugh.

“Your ass does many wonders, do you know that?”

Jinyoung hits him playfully at that.

They’re both sweaty. And dirty. Jaebum will have to change and wash his hands. But both of them don’t move for a moment as they lie there together.

”I love you.” Jaebum breathes by his side. He says it, honest and sure.

Jinyoung looks at him and smiles. ”I love you.” He says back at him, wholeheartedly and unafraid.

They’re both going to start again. They’re both going to learn from this. Everything is going to be okay. Something good is going to come out of this.

Jinyoung is sure of it.


	23. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End

There’s no conventional way to end this story. Because this story doesn’t really end. Not yet. Not when all of them are still out there, mingling amongst other idol groups, blending in a sea of humans and whatever it is some of them have turned into. 

But the fighting does end. The yelling. The harsh words thrown at each other. The tension. What replaces it is a friendship tighter and closer than what they all started off with.

Mark and Jaebum don’t really talk about what happened all those months ago. But they know. They know that they’ve thrown angry words at each other. They know that one of them physically hurt the other. They know that one made the other leave. They know and they’ll never forget. And maybe that’s why Mark holds Jaebum’s hands longer whenever they’re on stage or why Jaebum listens to Mark intently when he speaks. They’re making up for all those fights and those yells. They’re making up for hurting each other when they shouldn’t have. They’re making up for not talking and listening to the other or holding on to each other. Because they’re friends. They’re brothers. They’re family. They both truly love each other and were blinded by their own selfish reasons.

They both already said their sorrys and made their peace. But they’ll always regret ever fighting back then. And never again. Never again will they fight or hurt the other. Mark loves him as family and so does Jaebum and that’s worth so much more than anything else in this world.

Youngjae’s proud of both of his hyungs. From the start, he always looked up to them. He never really knew what it took to become a hyung. But Jaebum and Mark taught him. Unknowingly. With all the fighting and Youngjae being left to take care of Bambam and Yugyeom. They both taught him it was hard work being a hyung. And that made Youngjae appreciate them even more.

He may not be the hyung now. And Youngjae finds that a relief. But he still takes care of Bambam and Yugyeom. Because he’s learned that being their hyung was something he wanted. Not because he’s compelled to be their hyung. Not because it was a responsibility he had to take. But because he truly likes taking care of them.

Yugyeom and Bambam likes how things have turned out now. They like that they wake up to loud bickering and laughter on the dining table rather than angry shouts. They like that Mark laughs and talks more and Jaebum and Jackson look comfortable in their own skin now. They like that Youngjae is closer with them than before, talking to them rather than hide stuff from them to protect them. They like that Jinyoung doesn’t have bruises on his skin the way he used to have all the time. Bambam and Yugyeom are happy because their hyungs are happy and that’s what matters to them the most.

As for Mark and Jackson, they continue to work things out. And eventually, Mark does become Jackson’s donor. Eventually. It doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, it almost took a year of talking about it, thinking about it and finally deciding on it. Mark is Jackson’s first taste of human blood and he’ll be his last. The bond they share afterwards is even deeper than trust. In the end, it wasn’t human blood Jackson needed. It was just Mark. Surrendering himself to him. Trusting him. Leaning on him. He was all he needed to get past the monster inside him and finally realize he will always be more human than he thought he was.

And they’ll have Jaebum to thank for that. Jaebum found a way to deal with the monstrous condition they have. The entertainment scene is linked to one group in one way or another. And though Jaebum isn’t close with senior groups in the industry who have the condition far longer than they all have, he’s managed to find a way to talk to one of them. He’s had a sunbae help him get to another sunbae until Jaebum finds himself talking to Shinhwa’s Eric and asking him about it. How to control it. How to not hurt the people he loves. And though there’s no cure (there will never be a cure) Eric teaches him how to deal with it.

“Don’t starve yourself.” He said. And that’s it. Jaebum makes sure he doesn’t go hungry or overfeed on Jinyoung. He makes sure to tell him when he needs to feed and true enough, being honest works because they’ve never had an incident since. Jaebum stays sane while he feeds on him and makes love to him. Jinyoung hasn’t had a bruise since (except when Jaebum leaves rough marks on him during sex but only because Jinyoung taunts him to do so).

They still fight. That never goes away. Jinyoung is petty and Jaebum is stubborn. But they both make up in the end. Jaebum still feeds on blood bags when Jinyoung has to be away for weeks to film (because he’d never allow Jinyoung to extract so much blood) and Jinyoung always gets jealous. But they always make up. Always. 

There are moments of vulnerability in the group. But one thing’s for sure. Never again will they fight or yell at each other. Never again will they hurt one another. They’ll stick together. As a group. As a family. Seven or never. Seven or nothing.

This still isn’t the end. This isn’t truly happily ever after. But it’s the closest thing.

People still call Jaebum a monster. But underneath his skin is someone who learned what it took to be human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- okay so the original plan was to have two chapters before this but I couldn't do it anymore since the boys are coming back and i'm so so distracted I can't write. So I'm posting this instead.  
> \- This is the last chapter in the story. I will post two bonus chapters in this section (to make it all 25 chaps bec I'm OC like that)  
> \- Bonus chapters happens before The End. It's just basically things I wrote but ended up in drafts. Heads up, it's Jinson/JJP and MarkSon.  
> \- I ENJOYED THIS AU SO MUCH YALL HAVE NO IDEA. Thank you for coming to read it and comment. I appreciate it so so much.  
> \- Just, thank you for reading all 20+ chaps. You guys are crazy.


	24. Bonus Chapter 1: Someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someday, maybe they’ll have what Jaebum and Jinyoung have

It can't be helped that Jackson has to be active in variety shows. Because that's what his role is in the group. For years, the public knows who GOT7 is because of Jackson’s help. And though the group has made a name for themselves by now what with their new album that has become a hit, Jackson still has to go on variety shows because he's actually great at it and people want to see him on TV again. 

Only that Jackson doesn't want to be on variety shows. Not yet. Not when he's still trying to fit in. 

He's tried to desensitize himself now. He still wears the nose clips. He still keeps a good distance from Mark and the rest when he knows he won't be able to control himself. Jaebum still keeps an eye out for him when they're attending fanmeets. But he only feeds him just once a week now than the usual three times a day. For a newly turned _something_

But there have been pitches and requests. And the company really can't ignore all these requests so they sign Jackson up for one short variety show just to start him off. 

"Celebrity Bromance?" Jinyoung looks at Jackson after reading the company's pitch. 

"It's only for 6 episodes. It can't be that bad, right?" Jackson chews on his bottom lip nervously to which Mark reaches out to tug at his chin. 

"Stop that." He says. Jackson gives him a small apologetic smile. "And are you sure you're okay with this?" 

"It's Jooheon. He wouldn't mind me being all weird. He's used to it." Jackson answers. No one knows except for a select few he's not human anymore. Jooheon doesn't know. And it's a risk but this is the only short variety show Jackson can sign up for.

"He'll be okay." Jaebum shares his thoughts on the matter. "I can be there. I mean, I could feed him in between takes if it gets too much." 

So it's settled then. Jackson is up for Celebrity Bromance with Jooheon. 

Mark and Jaebum accompany Jackson to his first shoot. The rest wanted to be there. But since Yugyeom is busy rehearsing for his first solo performance on a show and Bambam, Youngjae and Jinyoung have their own scheduled filming and recording, they can't make it. Jackson is a bunch of nerves and Mark has to tell him a couple of times he'll do great. 

"What if I've lost it? What if I don't know how to be Jackson anymore?" Jackson paces behind the entrance of the company's building. Outside are a bunch of fans and cameras ready to follow him for tonight's filming. 

"What are you talking about? You're a natural at this." Mark tries to calm him down. 

Jaebum says the same thing. "Don't try hard so much. You're still you." 

Jackson isn't entirely convinced. Mark can tell. But the pep talk sort of worked. 

They both watch as Jackson is finally up. Mark starts getting nervous when he sees Jackson leave. It’s like seeing a little kid off to his first day at school. They're set to accompany him later and pick him up afterwards. Both his and Jaebum's phone numbers are on speed dial in Jackson's phone in case anything happens to him.

But Mark really hopes nothing bad happens to him. 

A hand slips in his own, squeezing out the anxieties away. Mark looks at Jaebum at that.

"He'll be fine." Jaebum smiles though Mark can see he’s kind of nervous as well. "I fed him before he left." 

Mark nods. "Thanks." 

Mark always worries about Jackson these days. Jackson doesn't really tell him anything about his condition if Mark doesn't ask. And Mark doesn't pry too much so he only asks the necessary things: Are you hungry? Is sitting together too much? Is kissing okay? Do you want some air? Stuff like that. 

And they're okay. Dating each other has never been better. Mark's family were happy for them when they found out and Jackson's family were too. Mark likes how everything is going great and slow and neither of them aren’t rushing into things too much.

In fact, everything’s okay. Mark always thought it would be weird and awkward to date your best friend. But it isn’t. Everything with Jackson is comfortable and fun. With Jinyoung, there used to be a need to impress him. To always get his attention. To make an effort to get him to like him. But with Jackson, there’s no struggle. Mark likes him and it’s so simple. Everything with Jackson feels just right.

Except for the feeding part. It's Jaebum who still does that. 

Mark is interested. In being the one to feed Jackson. In being his donor. He wants to take care of him. Mark thinks that’s the only thing left that he’d like to bridge between them. Because as much as he’d like to admit that they’re both okay, there’s still some sort of gap. Sometimes, Jackson wouldn’t sit too close to him. Sometimes he’d stiffen up and would only relax when Jaebum is in the room with them. Sometimes he won’t look at Mark and even though Mark doesn’t ask, he knows it has to do with that other side of him again.

He’s not offended. They did talk about this. It’s his scent that drives him insane. So Mark wants to be his donor. So Jackson can get past being so careful with him. So he doesn’t make Jackson feel uncomfortable.

Jaebum said that the only way Jackson can be comfortable in his own skin again is to finally have human blood in his system. But Jaebum won’t let him drink, not if Jackson decides on a donor himself and not even the blood bags lest he becomes addicted. And Jackson doesn’t want that to happen either.

But Mark really wants to be his donor. He’s raised that question once and it ended with them fighting. Their first fight. Jackson raised his voice and Mark stopped when he saw the look in his eyes at how dead set he was about this. Jackson clearly doesn’t want him to be his donor. He said he’ll never have one. And though they both made up and they’re okay, the thought looms in Mark’s head.

How could he take care of Jackson if he doesn’t even want to be his donor? How can he be there for him during the times Jackson feels vulnerable? Mark knows the consequences. He’s seen it from Jinyoung. He’s not new to it. But still, taking care of Jackson comes first.

“You okay?” Jaebum asks him as they get to one of the studios to hang out until they get the go signal to follow Jackson.

“Yeah.” Mark nods his head as he settles on the couch. “Just thinking about him.”

“Who knew Jackson going on variety shows would make us worry,” Jaebum chuckles. “That’s gotta be the first.”

Mark smiles to himself at that.

“But are you really okay?” Jaebum asks again. There’s a wrinkle in his brow. Mark can tell he’s worried about him. That’s probably why Mark can never be the leader even if he’s the oldest. Jaebum does it better than him. He’s too perceptive of things, something they all appreciate and a talent they can never have.

“Yeah. Don’t worry about me.” Mark assures him.

Jaebum gives an amused laugh. “Not gonna happen.”

“I know.” Mark smiles. “I am fine though.”

“Okay. Just… Let me know if you ever need anything…” Jaebum sits back to lean on the couch. He takes his phone out to play a game when Mark decides to hell with hiding his worries from Jaebum.

He scoots closer and leans his head on Jaebum’s shoulder. One genuinely deep sigh from him and Jaebum is wrapping an arm around him to bring him close.

If anyone saw them now, they probably would never imagine what happened to them all those months ago. The both of them fighting. The both of them yelling. Mark can’t even understand what made him do it. Going up against Jaebum when he has nothing but love and respect for him. 

He can’t imagine a life without him. Mark sees Jaebum as his rock. He’s probably a floating piece of plank at sea, forever drifting without Jaebum by his side.

Jaebum squeezes his shoulder as if he read Mark’s thoughts. Mark smiles to himself at that. Jaebum really is very perceptive.

“How do I get Jackson to convince him to take me as his donor?” Mark asks him quietly after a while. There. He told him what was bothering him.

“He’ll have to trust himself first.” Jaebum answers.

Mark thinks Jackson will never learn how to do that at the way he’s dealing with things.

“Well, how do I get him to learn that?” Mark asks.

“You don’t.” Jaebum sighs. “I’m sorry. I sound like I’m not helping at all. But I’m just telling you the truth. It really is difficult to contain it.”

That worries Mark even more. He wants to help him. He wants to help make things easier for Jackson.

“How can I help then?” He asks.

“Well,” Jaebum pauses to think. “Just be there for him. Let him set the pace. He’ll know what to do someday.” Jaebum moves to look at him. “You don’t have to worry about him. He loves you. So much. So he’s trying.”

Mark gives an amused laugh. “How do you know that?”

“Let’s just say he spends most of his nights in between me and Jinyoung and right before he goes to sleep, he talks about you all the time.”

Mark feels his cheeks go red at that. He’s embarrassed Jackson would even interrupt Jaebum and Jinyoung’s time at night but he’s also amused at what he’s doing.

“I hope he’s not causing the both of you any trouble.” Mark responds.

Jaebum chuckles. “Never.”

So that’s it then. Mark resigns at the thought of just leaving Jackson alone. To let him deal with this at his own pace like what Jaebum said. He feels hopeless. But then again, if this is what Jackson wants, he understands.

“I’m glad we had this conversation.” Jaebum says. “We haven’t really hung out together after…”

Mark nods. He knows what he means. “Things have changed.” Mark smiles. “And I’m glad it did.”

“Me too.” Jaebum smiles back.

They leave when they finally get a call from Jackson to come pick him up. Mark couldn’t stop fidgeting and Jaebum has to tell him a couple of times he’s okay. Jackson wouldn’t sound so calm over the phone if he was freaking out.

Jackson and Jooheon wave at them when they arrive. Mark lets out the air he’s holding when he sees him. He’s only able to breathe comfortably when Jackson approaches them and he’s standing by his side.

Jackson drags both Jaebum and Mark to Jooheon who greets them politely.

“And this,” Jackson pulls Mark closer to him. “This is Mark. My boyfriend.”

Mark hits Jackson across his chest lightly as he fights to keep the blush on his cheeks. Jaebum chuckles at that and Jooheon laughs.

“He wouldn’t shut up about you, you know.” Jooheon tells Mark. He doesn’t look annoyed at that. Jooheon looks amused. 

“I’m sorry. He does that a lot these days.” Mark apologizes.

He’s embarrassed. Jackson has been introducing him to everyone as his boyfriend and although that’s sweet and all, Mark just finds that information might not be welcomed in some circles. He’s come to be overprotective of Jackson. So even if they’re foreigners and exposed to these things, some who still live strictly by the Korean culture might find two men going out with each other rather scandalous. Mark would never want Jackson to hear such harsh comments from the others.

“Nah, it’s fine. You two look great together.” Jooheon replies.

Jackson gives off a squeal at that making them all laugh.

The three of them leave after they’re sure Jackson is done filming. They drop Jaebum off at Jinyoung’s drama site while Mark and Jackson grab something to eat before heading home.

Mark listens to Jackson as he goes on and on about his date with Jooheon. Mark is amused and in love with the way Jackson talks about his day. He tells him about hiding from Jooheon in the parking lot and buying him a gift before meeting him. Mark’s not jealous and he knows Jackson isn’t telling him this to make him jealous. He likes listening to how happy Jackson is at enjoying a normal day out without having his other side of him bothering him today. 

Although he did notice Jackson putting on the nose clip the moment filming ended earlier when they picked him up.

“I’m taking him out for a meal soon. Where do you think I should take him?” Jackson asks as they arrive home.

“Hmm, Korean food is always the safest.” Mark suggests.

The dorm is empty when they arrive. Everyone is still out. Jackson goes about fixing his stuff around the dorm while Mark checks any mails he might have missed from his parents.

When he’s done, he goes to look for Jackson. He’s in his and Jaebum’s room still choosing what to wear for tomorrow’s filming. Mark smiles to himself. He likes looking at Jackson like this. Being comfortable in his skin. Being busy with something else.

Mark approaches him from behind and wraps his arms around him. He then presses his cheek in his back and just takes in the feeling of having Jackson in his arms. Jackson stiffens for a moment but only because he’s surprised, not because he’s controlling himself. Mark can tell this by now.

“I was just gone for a few hours.” Jackson jokes. “You missed me that much?”

“Yes.” Mark doesn’t even lie about that. “Jaebum and I were really worried when you left.”

Jackson unwraps his arms around him so he can move.

“Hey now,” He turns to look at him and chuckles. “I’m supposed to be the one that’s worried about doing shows again.”

“Well, that makes all of us. But it turns out we didn’t really need to. You did great.” Mark smiles at him.

“I did.” Jackson says, beaming.

The smile on his face makes Mark want to kiss him. Jackson is so handsome but moreso when he’s happy. So Mark does exactly that. He leans forward and kisses him.

Jackson responds softly to his kisses and Mark hums in appreciation at that. His heart quickens when Jackson wraps an arm around his waist to pull him in. Mark likes being this close to him. It makes him feel like Jackson’s special person for allowing him to be this close to him. 

Jackson stops kissing him to take in air. Mark doesn’t pull back though, as he opts to let their foreheads rest against the other.

“I can’t breathe.” Jackson says under his breath.

Mark knows the feeling. Kissing Jackson takes his breath away too.

“I know.”

“No, I meant, I really can’t breathe.” Jackson pulls back to point at the nose clip. Mark gives a small “Oh” before they both break out into a fit of laughter.

“We can stop. You still have stuff to do.” Mark points at his pile of clothes on the bed.

Jackson pouts. “I like kissing you.”

Mark laughs. “Then how about we take the nose clip off.” He teases.

Jackson stiffens at that. Mark immediately takes back what he said.

“Or you know what, we can just leave it on. It’s no big deal.” 

“I’ll take it off.”

Mark raises an eye at Jackson. Not once has Jackson taken the nose clip off when it’s just the two of them. He said he wasn’t ready.

“I… Just to try. I said I’d try taking it off when I’m with you.” Jackson says. Mark squeezes his hand.

“There’s no need to rush. It doesn’t matter to me if you leave it on or not.”

“Well it does. To me,” Jackson swallows hard at that. “I’m not hungry. Jaebum hyung fed me earlier. I just want to try. With you.”

Jackson really doesn’t have to try anything. Mark can wait until he’s ready. But Jaebum did say to just let him set the pace. He can help him with that.

Jackson sits there all rigid. Mark waits for him to make his move. He then slowly takes off his nose clip but doesn’t breathe.

“Whenever you’re ready.” Mark tells him.

He takes a few seconds and then slowly breathes in. Mark watches as Jackson takes in slow breaths, inhaling and exhaling. He’s so tense that Mark doesn’t dare touch him. But slowly, slowly, he relaxes.

“Okay?” Mark asks. Jackson nods.

“I think I’m okay.”

Mark smiles at him. Jackson grins back proudly before leaning in close to kiss him again. 

It starts off so slow and soft, nothing they’re not used to. Mark doesn’t do anything except softly kiss Jackson back. He’s being careful and Mark appreciates that from him. 

Jackson’s thumb strokes his cheek, making him shiver from the touch. He’s a little lightheaded from Jackson’s slow soft kisses and light caress. Mark never expected Jackson to have this effect on him. 

Jackson leans back to take a breather and Mark resists the urge to chase his lips. It’s going to be Jackson’s pace. Not his. So he waits. He looks at Jackson. And when their eyes meet, Mark knows that the next kiss won’t be that slow.

Their lips meet once more in a frenzied rush. Jackson has Mark’s face in his hands as his lips move urgently against his. Mark opens up to him, holding on to his waist tight to bring him closer. There’s a fluttering in his stomach that he knows is Jackson’s doing and he quietly lets out a soft moan when Jackson’s fingers brush his neck.

It happens so fast. One minute Jackson is kissing him and then the next, Mark finds himself on his back with Jackson pinning him down the bed. His hold on him is painfully tight. Jackson is no longer kissing him but his face is still so close to his, nose grazing against his collarbone. 

Mark’s heart is banging against his chest. He can hear Jackson snarling. A low rumble that’s not Jackson at all. Mark stays still, keeping calm. He knows what this is. This is no longer simply making out.

Mark doesn’t dare breathe. Jackson isn’t leaving his neck. He’s too fixated on it as he breathes down on him. Mark can feel the small puffs of air on his neck from where he is.

If Jackson wants to bite, he’ll let him. Mark would want it to be himself anyway rather than someone else. He’s ready for him. This is Jackson. Someone he loves. He’ll let him take if he wants to.

Mark swallows and that’s when Jackson snaps his head up to look at him. Mark sees his eyes dilated and red and there’s nothing but a feral look in his gaze.

“It’s okay.” Mark breathes. This is still Jackson. Whatever has taken hold of him, it’s still Jackson. “Jackson, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Mark reaches out to cup his cheek when Jackson snarls again. But that doesn’t stop him. He touches him, lets him know he’s here with him and he can do what he wants to him.

Jackson then blinks and his eyes gradually return to normal. Mark watches as he looks down at him, confused for a second when reality and horror sinks in.

Jackson is off of him so fast.

“Jackson-” Mark sits up to reach for him but Jackson is already off the bed and out the door leaving Mark alone in the room. Mark scrambles to leave the bed to get to him when he finds he can’t even open the door. Jackson is keeping it closed from the other side.

“Jackson,” Mark rattles the doorknob. “Jackson, let me see you.”

Mark continues pulling at the door but it won’t budge.

“Jackson?” Mark calls. “I know you’re out there. Open the door.”

“Hyung,” Jackson sounds so breathless and pained that Mark just wants to get to him. “Hyung, lock the door.”

“Jackson, I’m fine. You didn’t do anything to me. Let me see you.”

“Hyung, please.” Jackson’s voice is so small. “Just… Just lock the door.”

Mark will not do that. He’s not afraid of him.

“Jackson, you barely did anything to me. Just open the door and let me see you.”

“Call Jaebum hyung.” Is Jackson’s only response. “Hyung, hurry.”

Mark hates this. He hates that he’s the one causing him this much pain, enough for Jackson to want to call Jaebum. Nevertheless, Mark does so. Only because he needs Jackson to calm down and get him to see some sense.

Jaebum answers on the third ring.

“Hyung?” Jaebum asks. Mark can hear Jinyoung talking in the background. “What’s up?”

“Can you come home? Jackson’s…” Mark doesn’t know what to tell him. That Jackson is being ridiculous? He can’t say that. Because Jackson is honestly scared. He’s scared and he needs Jaebum and Mark can’t help him.

It’s a good thing Jaebum’s can already tell what’s wrong. He doesn’t even ask. He quickly tells him he’ll be there and ends the call.

“Jackson?” Mark pulls at the door again but Jackson is still holding on to it. “Jackson, Jaebum’s coming. You’re going to be alright.”

There isn’t any response. Mark knows Jackson is still out there but he needs to hear his voice and know he’s okay.

“Jackson?”

“Yes, hyung. I hear you.” Jackson responds. Mark gives a deep sigh in relief.

“Can I see you?” Mark asks.

“I don’t want you to see me.” Jackson replies.

“Jackson, I’m okay. You didn’t do anything to me.”

“I almost did.”

Mark slides to the ground with his back against the door. Nothing he’ll say will convince Jackson of anything.

“Just… talk to me. How are you holding up?” Mark asks instead.

“I’m… I’m okay.” Jackson replies. His voice sounds shaky. Mark leans his head against the door.

“You don’t sound okay.” Mark says.

Jackson takes a while to respond.

“I’m… I’m scared.”

There’s a tug of pain in his chest upon hearing that.

“Jackson, let me see you. Please.” Mark breathes.

“Hyung... I wanted you.” Jackson says quietly. 

“I know.” Mark responds. “And it’s okay-”

“I wanted my teeth in your neck.” Jackson continues. Mark sits there, listening to him. This is the first time Jackson is describing how he feels.

“I wanted to bite. I wanted your blood. I wanted to hurt you.” Jackson sounds like he’s struggling to say all this. “Hyung, how can you still want to see me after that?”

“Jackson,” Mark replies. “I knew what I was getting myself into when I said that I liked you. If you’re scared, it’s alright. I understand. I do. But what just happened didn’t make me look at you any differently.”

“Hyung, that’s… That’s not the point… What if I did something… more?”

Mark doesn’t understand this bit. What other thing could possibly scare him aside from feeding on him?

“Hyung, what if we just stop?” Jackson is sort of whimpering. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Mark takes a deep breath. Jackson sounds like he’s giving up.

“Do you… Do you want to?” Mark asks him, afraid of hearing his answer.

It takes a while for Jackson to reply.

“If this goes on for long…”

The sound of the front door opening has Mark breathe in relief.

“Jackson?” Jaebum calls out loudly.

“Here.” Jackson replies. There’s a shuffling sound and Mark hears the doorknob rattling. He knows Jackson has let go of the door and he opens it to find Jackson with his back to him already in Jaebum’s hold and feeding on his wrist.

Jinyoung is suddenly in his face, blocking him from the view and cupping his cheek. He looks alarmed as he tips his face from side to side.

“You okay? Did he…”

Mark steps back so Jinyoung stops fussing over him.

“I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me.”

“Hyung, are you sure-”

“He would never hurt me.” Mark glares at him.

He doesn’t understand why they look worried. Why they don’t trust Jackson enough. He’s sure Jackson would never hurt him. Yes, he’s not himself when the thirst and the hunger take over. But Jackson would never kill him.

Jinyoung doesn’t seem fazed by the look Mark is giving him. This has Mark look away first. “I’m fine. Okay?”

“Can I talk to you alone?” Jinyoung motions inside the room. Mark peers over his shoulder to see Jaebum rubbing Jackson’s back as Jackson continues to feed on him. 

He doesn’t want to leave but Jinyoung doesn’t look like he’d take no for an answer. Mark returns to the room and only turns around when he hears Jinyoung close the door behind him.

“Don’t ask me that next time.” Mark says to him. “ _Am I okay?_ Of course I’m okay. It’s Jackson.”

Mark plops himself down on the bed.

“He’s scared enough as it is and you had to ask me in front of him if he hurt me. How do you think that makes him feel?”

Jinyoung looks at him for awhile before saying something.

“He will hurt you.”

Mark glares at him again. “He won’t-”

“He will.” Jinyoung presses firmly. “He’s going to hurt you. In more ways than one. He’ll hurt you until you can’t breathe and you’re sore for days and you’ll have bruises the size of his palms.”

“Stop that.”

“He’ll hurt you. And fuck you up. Until you pass out and the next thing you know it’s been a day since you haven’t woken up.”

“Jinyoung-ah,” Mark warns.

“And that’s not the worst case scenario. Do you know what is, hyung?” Jinyoung continues. “The worst part is that Jackson doesn’t control himself and bites you the wrong way. He’ll bite, and it won’t be because he wants to feed. He’ll _think_ he’s feeding. But he’s actually turning you and it’s too late. He turned you into one of him and that, hyung, that is what Jackson is afraid of.” Jinyoung takes a deep breath. “That’s what we’re all afraid of.”

Mark sits there in disbelief.

_What if I did something… more?”_

How could he have missed that? Mark should’ve known what that meant. He didn’t realize that might happen. That he could be turned too from a bite.

He feels a hand cup his face and he looks at Jinyoung.

“Now tell me, hyung. Honestly. Are you okay? Did he bite you?”

Mark shakes his head. “No. He came close. But no.”

Jinyoung sighs and sits beside him.

“Look, I’m sorry hyung. But I needed you to understand that.”

Mark nods. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”

“He’s only looking out for you. We’re all looking out for the both of you.”

Mark feels so helpless again. He really wants to help.

“Will he be able to control that?” Mark asks him. “That thirst? Will he learn how to feed properly then?”

Jinyoung nods. “He will. But it’s going to take a lot of time.”

Mark thinks that’s not a problem. He’ll wait. For as long as it takes.

They leave Jackson and Jaebum alone for the rest of the night. Mark stays in the living room even until the rest of them arrive and head to bed. Jinyoung stays with him and they talk about nothing in particular. Mark knows Jinyoung's only trying to accompany him and he appreciates it. But Mark spends the night thinking about what else he might have missed only because he never wants this to happen again.

It isn’t until midnight that he hears the door to Jaebum’s room opening. He looks up from the couch expecting Jaebum himself when he sees Jackson.

Jackson looks miserable. He has his nose clip on and he looks so small. They both look at each other, both sorry for having things go like this for the both of them.

Mark opens his arms and Jackson seems to sigh in relief as he makes his way over to him. He climbs over the couch and settles his head on Mark’s lap where Mark runs a hand along his hair.

“I’m sorry.” Jackson says quietly. “I didn’t mean for that to happen earlier.”

“I know. I’m sorry I still can’t seem to understand these things too.” Mark whispers.

He’s glad Jackson came back and allowed himself to come back to him. His pace, that’s what Mark promised.

“I lied earlier.” Jackson murmurs. “I don’t want this to stop.”

Mark smiles at that. “I wouldn’t want us to stop either. We just started. That and,” Mark looks longingly down at him. “I don’t want to give up on you.”

Jackson stops his hand from moving and holds on to it instead.

“I love you.”

Mark’s heart quickens at that. The way he said it sounded so sad. Mark wishes that someday, Jackson would find it in himself to say those words happily.

Mark bends down to kiss him on the forehead. “I do too.”

Someday, maybe they’ll have what Jaebum and Jinyoung have. Maybe they’ll get to do things that doesn’t have the other worrying about what happens. Maybe someday, Jackson will smile wider while he’s with him and he’ll let Mark hold him and kiss him and love him better.

Maybe they’ll get to that. Someday.


	25. Bonus Chapter 2: Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss kiss

“Jinyoung-ah, let’s kiss.”

The first time Jackson said that, Jaebum had to stop what he was doing and observe them from the far side of the room. Jackson was making pouty faces at Jinyoung beside him on the couch while Jinyoung kept swatting at him to go away while he reads his lines from a script. Jaebum was by the dining area, composing lyrics and keeping an eye on them.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jackson whined again. “Let’s kiss.”

That didn’t bother Jaebum at all. Not really. He’s used to Jackson kissing everyone. He’s lost count of the number of times Jackson kissed his cheek. Or the number of times he showered the young ones with kisses all over their faces. Of course this time, it’s different. Jackson is a changed something. A slight press of his lips can turn out to be something harmful. So Jaebum keeps watch.

Not that Jackson would bite Jinyoung. Jaebum’s sure of it. Jinyoung doesn’t have the effect that Mark brings to him. So he’s safe. And besides, Jaebum fed him just a few minutes ago. He’s full.

“I’m busy.” Is Jinyoung’s reply. “Go kiss Mark hyung.”

But that’s the thing. Jackson can’t kiss Mark hyung. And Jaebum knows why Jackson is asking Jinyoung. He wants to practice. Because the last time he kissed Mark, he almost bit him.

“Just one kiss.” Jackson continued to whine.

Jaebum had laughed quietly to himself at that. Jackson won’t stop whining and he knows Jinyoung will have to give in sooner or later.

Right on cue, Jinyoung sighs and Jaebum, who has turned back to his compositions, hears a rustling of papers as Jinyoung probably placed his scripts down.

“Fine. Just one.”

Jaebum hears Jackson squeal at that.

“No tongue.” Jinyoung warns. “I swear to God if you stick your tongue in-”

“I won’t! Now hold still…”

Jaebum can’t help but sneak a glance as Jackson cups Jinyoung’s face in his hands and presses his lips to his. He sits there, amused at his best friend and boyfriend kissing in front of him.

The kiss lasted for a mere five seconds. Jackson pulls away afterwards with an amazed expression on his face at pulling that off.

“Jaebum hyung’s right. You do taste good.”

Jinyoung rolls his eyes at that while Jaebum chuckles.

“Now would you get off of me?” Jinyoung gathers his scripts. “I need to work.”

“Wait. Let’s try that with tongue.”

Jaebum only hears Jackson give an “oof” as Jinyoung pushes him off the couch in reply.

The second time Jaebum hears Jackson asking to kiss Jinyoung, it’s in the bathroom. Jinyoung is brushing his teeth and Jackson is sitting on the counter, pleading at him to kiss him again. 

Of course Jaebum doesn’t mind. Again. So he continues on his way and stays in his room.

It does irk him though that when Jinyoung cuddles up next to him that night and Jaebum gives him a goodnight kiss, Jinyoung tastes like Jackson.

The third time, and the many times Jinyoung and Jackson kiss, Jaebum’s patience wears out. Because Jinyoung is starting to smell like Jackson, starting to taste like Jackson, that Jaebum is annoyed. Because he likes his Jinyoung to smell and taste like Jinyoung. Not Jackson.

At first he thought it was only temporary. Until they’re both kissing each other whenever and wherever. They kiss and laugh and giggle and Jaebum’s eye twitches at that.

“Doesn’t that bother you at all?” Jaebum asked Mark once when they both see Jackson wrestling Jinyoung on the couch so he can get at his lips.

“What? That?” Mark shrugs. “Jackson does that to everyone.”

“No.” Jaebum grunts as they ignore them. “They kiss. Just the two of them. Everywhere.”

Mark laughs. He _laughs._ “Jaebum, they’re just fooling around.”

But no matter how hard Jaebum tries to ignore them, the _fooling around_ only escalates.

Jaebum cracks of course. He cracks and tells Jinyoung one night in the privacy of his donor’s room to stop fooling around.

“What?” Jinyoung laughs. “Jackson’s only practicing.”

“Yeah? And what if he bit you, huh?” Jaebum says in reply.

Jinyoung narrows his eyes at him. “Are you… jealous?”

Jealous is such an ugly word. And for the record, no, he’s not jealous. Jackson is a friend. He’ll never be jealous of him.

But it does annoy him that Jinyoung no longer spends time with him. It annoys him that he doesn’t kiss him the way he kisses Jackson. That he doesn’t open his arms to him when he comes home the way he welcomes Jackson. That Jinyoung smells nothing like Jinyoung and tastes nothing like himself anymore.

Okay, maybe he is jealous. A little.

“Me? Jealous?” Jaebum denies though his tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth at that last word.

Maybe it’s because they’ve been together for so long that Jinyoung actually sees right through him. Jinyoung smirks at his answer and steps towards him.

“You are, aren’t you.” Jinyoung says. “You’re jealous.”

Jaebum only eyes him warily. Jinyoung is like a cat as he moves towards him.

“Right.” Jaebum rolls his eyes at him.

“Jackson and I are friends.”

“I know that.”

“I don’t kiss him the way I kiss you.”

“How would I know that? We barely even kissed these past few weeks.”

Jinyoung raises an eye at him and Jaebum wishes he could take that back.

“Is that it?” Jinyoung chuckles. “You’re jealous!” 

Jaebum groans as Jinyoung throws his arms around his neck.

“Jinyoung, I’m not in the mood-”

“Oh shut up.” Jinyoung says before he kisses him.

He does kiss him differently than the way he kisses Jackson. Jinyoung kisses Jackson soft and careful. He kisses him light and quick. There’s no tongue and no urgency and Jaebum is kind of glad he doesn’t kiss him the way he kisses him like this.

There’s a lot of tongue. And a lot of urgency. And hands touching him all over. There are bites (from Jaebum) and nips (from Jinyoung) and when they’re done, Jaebum grins stupidly at him.

“So tell me again why you were jealous?” Jinyoung teases and Jaebum only buries his head under his pillow.

Jackson and Jinyoung still continue to practice. And Jaebum knows better by now not to get jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this marks the end of Under My Skin  
> \- I have this headcanon that Jinyoung and Jackson fool around a lot and none of them mind. Really.


End file.
